Really Need HELP!!

[thowell]

Dd12 is coming to the end of 7th grade. We have spent this year concentrating on writing and I am afraid I do not see much improvement. We decided to use EIW so we would have the extra instruction. Below is this week's assignment to right about and embarrassing event in your life. I helped her with basic editing and this is now her final draft she has turned in for a grade. Please be honest and tell me all you see. As a side note, she really hates to write! Not just the thought of writing but the actually physical act of writing. I have to let her type most things to get anything out of her. She still seems really weak to me in the basic skills and I have no idea how to help her!!

 

It was a warm and bright Sunday. I had already eaten breakfast and I was getting dressed. First, I put on my yellow sun dress. Then, I put on my first pair of heels. I was so nervous and shaky as I strapped on the 2 inch, yellow and pink poke-a-dotted heels. Just as I was standing up mom yelled "let's go we're late for church"! I then panicked as I took my first wobbly steps towards the door.

 

We were so late for church that they had already started singing the hymns. I didn't care all I was worried about was sitting down and taking the heels off, they were killing my ankles! Just as I sat down in the pew and got comfortable Brother Mike said "everyone when the music starts come and bring your offering to the communion table." I was terrified! Because that meant I had to get up and take the money to the communion table which was 6 pews away! So I stood up and started to walk down the isle, when it happened. I tripped and fell in front of the whole church! I was so embarrassed, and everyone was staring at me! I then got up and returned to my seat in the pew. On the way home daddy and my sister teased me and called me clums-alot. So I made a vow right then and there that I would never wear those yellow and pink poke-a-dotted heels again.

 

Ok final thought, this story did not actually happened. She created the story.

[msjones]

Dd12 is coming to the end of 7th grade. We have spent this year concentrating on writing and I am afraid I do not see much improvement. We decided to use EIW so we would have the extra instruction. Below is this week's assignment to right about and embarrassing event in your life. I helped her with basic editing and this is now her final draft she has turned in for a grade. Please be honest and tell me all you see. As a side note, she really hates to write! Not just the thought of writing but the actually physical act of writing. I have to let her type most things to get anything out of her. She still seems really weak to me in the basic skills and I have no idea how to help her!!

 

It was a warm and bright Sunday. I had already eaten breakfast and I was getting dressed. First, I put on my yellow sun dress. Then, I put on my first pair of heels. I was so nervous and shaky as I strapped on the 2 inch, yellow and pink poke-a-dotted heels. Just as I was standing up mom yelled "let's go we're late for church"! I then panicked as I took my first wobbly steps towards the door.

 

We were so late for church that they had already started singing the hymns. I didn't care all I was worried about was sitting down and taking the heels off, they were killing my ankles! Just as I sat down in the pew and got comfortable Brother Mike said "everyone when the music starts come and bring your offering to the communion table." I was terrified! Because that meant I had to get up and take the money to the communion table which was 6 pews away! So I stood up and started to walk down the isle, when it happened. I tripped and fell in front of the whole church! I was so embarrassed, and everyone was staring at me! I then got up and returned to my seat in the pew. On the way home daddy and my sister teased me and called me clums-alot. So I made a vow right then and there that I would never wear those yellow and pink poke-a-dotted heels again.

 

Ok final thought, this story did not actually happened. She created the story.

 

I like it! I like your daughter just from reading this.

 

I think she sounds authentic and invested in telling the story. It really made me remember my first pair of heels -- I actually wore them to church. They were a pair of those Famolare wedge sandals and I had forgotten about them until I read this. :)

 

She has a few punctuation things to work on, but nothing major. There is a clear beginning, middle and end of the story. I get the setting, the conflict, the climax, the resolution. I sense the fear as she realizes she has to walk in those shoes to the front of the church. Some of the word choice is a bit young-ish, but so is the theme of the story. I think it works.

 

Also, I think learning to write well just takes a looooooong time for most people. If you're happy enough with the curriculum, I'd just stick with it.

[thowell]

Thank you for the encouragement! I guess I am just unsure where she should be. I too, feel she tends to have a bit of "babyish" language but honestly, she is a bit on the immature side for her age. She is very different from most typical preteen girls. Maybe I am just expecting to much too fast. Thank you again. Other opinions welcome, I can take it!

[Jean in Newcastle]

With the exception of the misspelling of" polka dotted", it looked just fine to me! Yes, she did have a couple of run-on sentences but as MsJones said, the story itself flows well. I don't think it matters that the story was made up. It sounds like she thought up what would be extremely embarrassing to her and wrote about that. The tone is casual but the subject matter encourages that because this kind of anecdote is going to be casual. Using more difficult vocabulary would make the piece sound stilted.