Help me stop being a yeller

[Mommy22alyns]

Thanks for being honest.

I remember being very angry when I was a young mother, and one day I was pushing the stroller and letting my 3 year old walk beside me for one of our walks. I put his kid tape player on top of the Stroller and listened to a FOF tape: "God Uses Cracked Pots"

by Patsy Clairmont. This was what helped me realize that I needed help, and fast.

 

I found a wonderful group and worked through a workbook/ reading book. It related to my problems deeply. Still I needed more, because I was physically and sexually abused as a child and teen. I had alot of hatred of self, anger at God, and anger at my abusers. Resentment was eating me up.

 

Healing can come, in spurts, or much at one time. Still, wounds remain. Only the final healing of DEATH, will wipe it all away.

For me, I know I have to have a daily plan. Sometimes it is minute by minute.

 

One book that helped me too is : "She's Gonna Blow!"

 

 

 

Oh my gosh, I JUST found that book on CBD hours before reading this! That just reinforces that I should try it.

[Amy in NH]

Some ideas:

1. Become convinced that yelling is not simply a "communication style" or "family culture". Yelling is hitting with words. It is an assault. Or, at minimum, look for and stop using any justifying language about yelling.
    
   
2. Identify your triggers. Common ones are mess, noise, unexpected disruptions/changes, lack of sleep, blood sugar issues.
    
   
3. Once you identify your triggers, make specific plans to minimize them. That would be specific to your life and your triggers, but (if you were my client, for example), you can get help and ideas to make that happen.
    
   
4. Evaluate yourself and life for excellent, balanced self care.
    
   
5. Identify what makes you the most centered, including knowledge of yourself on the extrovert/introvert scale.
    
   
6. Evaluate yourself and DH for depression and/or screen addiction (or, for that matter, other addiction).
    
   
7. Increase joy, playfulness, and affection in your home. This accomplishes 2 complementary things - it helps you feel more loving and helps your kids act better. You will probably have to make it an intentional, on purpose program.
    
   
8. Know that learning to live happily with kids and family is a skill; it does not necessarily come naturally to people. You may need some help, support and guidance.
    
   
9. Be bold enough to give your kids some power and say through the use of a "code word". They can use that word when they feel yelled at, disrespected, and violated. The code word is code for "Mommy, I love you and I will try to be compliant, but I need you to talk to me in a different way first."
   

 

 

I especially agree with #s 2 & 3.

 

Tell the kids up front that you don't like yelling at them, and you want to try to communicate better. Then, when you notice the trigger being pulled and feel yourself starting to heat up, let them know that you are losing your cool. It helped tremendously for me to be able to say to my kids, "I am starting to feel overstimulated and I'm going start yelling soon if you don't _. (take the wrestling outside, stop making that repetitive noise, etc.)." They knew I was serious, and they really didn't like the yelling either, so they would comply immediately. By doing this over time I developed better communication skills with them, and they understood what my boundaries are. I almost never raise my voice anymore, and we are all happier.

 

Also, google Nonviolent Communication.