How did you tell your child he has Aspergers?

[Faithr]

My 14 yo son was just diagnosed with this, this summer. My dh and I are still in denial about it, I know. We feel like we've got this big secret that we've got to hide from. I think this is the reason ds suffers so from depression and anxiety. He just doesn't know how to cope. The more I read about Aspergers the more I'm convinced that he is but he doesn't have many of the outward mannerisms. So I guess that makes him mild? But he does definitely struggle with some things and those things make him feel very lonely and lost. And make him odd and quirky.

 

So how did you break the news? How do you handle things in day to day life? Do you chat openly about it or not really?

 

I'd love some feedback and advice.

 

Thanks.

[prairiewindmomma]

We had the discussion a few years ago, around age 8, when we started a lot of testing. We have had a lot of discussions about how everybody is made differently. Nearly everybody in this house has "something" so we talked about sensory issues first....how his body tells him some touches are painful even though to other people they aren't. He had noticed that other kids could ride bicycles so we talked about how that was still challenging for him. We talked about a different ds who has more severe fine motor issues and how his brain and hands don't "talk together" as well as for other people. We talked about other people we know who have aspergers, and I pointed out those aspects of those kids who match up with his issues. We mentioned that sometimes people use labels to try to understand something....and that he might hear the label "aspergers" used with him.

 

Ds has become more self-aware as time has gone on. He still struggles with shampooing his hair and still can't ride a bike, and unfortunately he is aware that other kids do these things with ease. In some ways life was easier when he was oblivious.

 

I'm not embarrassed that my kid is quirky. He has no control over it. It's not something we chose for him. We just find ways to cope and move on. He's the same kid he was pre-label, you know, and now we better understand and can help him.

[Crimson Wife]

Maybe give him some books to read on Asperger's? I don't have any personal experience with any of them, but these books get decent reviews on Amazon:

 

The Aspie Teen's Survival Guide

Take Control of Asperger's Syndrome: The Official Strategy Guide for Teens

Freaks, Geeks, and Asperger's Syndrome: A User Guide to Adolescence

 

GL!

[NittanyJen]

He may be very relieved to have the discussion. First get your own head as right as you can (I say this a a parent who has been there/done that with a diagnosis that won't simply vanish one day, an had to get to a place where I understood my kid did not need to be fixed... Because he is not broken). He likely already knows he is atypical, and may be worried about anything from being sick to disappointing you to thinking it is his fault, and finding out that none of the above is true (once you are mentally here) will likely be a huge relief.

 

I would focus on finding out, at this age, what he thinks and feels first, and meet him where he is. Bring up the testing and tell him the testing supplies some answers about his differences/challenges/roadblocks (it may be helpful to use his terminology here, or if he uses negative self-identifying language, start there but slowly replace it with gentler, kinder terms to refer to whatever challenges he faces).

 

When he is ready to continue the conversation (he may or may not need to stop and absorb) you can then bring up any recommendations that were made by the tester for how to help him meet these challenges, emphasizing that you will be there to not change or fix him, but help him navigate around any roadblocks that slow him down from doing his best (we do neuro and occupational stuff for my son's dysgraphia, used Earobics for his APD, and physical therapy, gymnastics, and swimming fo some physical issues, and got him a Strider Bike to help him learn to ride a bike without a nervous breakdown). Repeat as needed that he has done nothing wrong, is not a disappointment, and is not 'ill' or in need of fixing. He is, in the case of your son, still the same child he was before his dx, that is, he is a boy who happens to have Asperger's, and not an Asperger's boy.

 

I would have the conversation sooner rather than later. I suspect it will do a world of good. If the depression continues, get or continue therapy-- never discount the severity of depression in young feelings.

 

Good luck. May this conversation lift a weight from your shoulders.