ELITEANDLOVINGIT Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Looking for feedback on my daughter's writing. Please feel free to edit at will. Its an adventure novel...I guess? Prologue Knights verged upon the tree in which came to be the Vate’s house. The knights ignited the base of the tree and the flames elevated. Declan was babysitting Chloe, for her parents were not there the night of the annihilation. Chloe screamed in abhorrence as smoke filled her lungs in distressing manner that caused her to cough consistently .Declan ran shouting, “Chloe!†fearful that she was harmed. Then he too sensed the smoke and yelled “Chloe get over her†he peeked out the window to assure position of the enemies. Suddenly their level caught flame. An ignited piece of wood hovered over Chloe ;she covered her head and screamed before Declan shoved his hand in front of the wood and shouted higheige. He moved his hand shifting the blazed wood toward the window, with the movement of his hand he shattered the window.as the flaring wood went through he clenched his hand into a fist and the spell broke;the wood doped and ignited two knights they screamed in agony. Once he was aware of the guards’ position he instructed, “go through the back door and find mom. Then exhort her of the house†“But where will you beâ€, Chloe questioned “All be fineâ€, he insisted with a kind voice. â€now go†Chloe absconded as instructed,but a knight ensnared her and tried to put killing curse to her. the knight ensorcelled “intridaâ€, instead Declan knocked her out of the way and became bewitched of curse instead he faded and vanished. Chloe's mother,Kelly came to Chloe and took her in her arms but Chloe showed no joy and she pointed to the shadow figure that killed Declan. “He killed duckyâ€, she sobbed and pointed You could feel the fierce emotion just by looking at her eyes she shaped in to a unicorn and such force came of her horn that you could see blue waves repeating to strike the knights. The knights denigrated and Kelly returned to her human form once more. She then realized that the queen’s army was too strong and Chloe was not safe anymore, so she sent her to a place where mists were safe the willow valley. Suddenly, a miracle stroke and Declan started to reform. This is after a first minor edit, typically Sarah will require several edits before getting a final copy. We consider the first edit still sloppy copy. We send our documents back and forth using google docs comments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ELITEANDLOVINGIT Posted December 1, 2012 Author Share Posted December 1, 2012 Am I doing something wrong related to posting my daughter's work? Does she have to be using WWS, Brave Writer, or IEW to receive feedback? :bored: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 What kind of feedback are you looking for? She has a very strong vocabulary! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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