caring for an aging parent while homeschooling....

[Julie in MO]

Hi,

This board has been so helpful to me over the years as I've navigated all the nuances of homeschooling. I have been thrust into a new world overnight and thought I'd see if anyone else has successfully navigated this.

 

My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly nearly two weeks ago. In those two weeks I've cared for my 82 year old dad, facilitated family members coming together (some who haven't communicated for over 35 years), planned a funeral, planned a huge estate sale for summer, packed, and brought my dad to MO from KS for a long visit to explore his options for living with or near us. I believe it's best that he lives with us. He has slight confusion/forgetfulness, has never cooked, didn't do anything with the finances, and has rheumatoid arthritis that limits his activities to some degree. My family is supportive of him living with us. We've contacted contractors about remodeling our home to make a private space for him.

 

Fortunately, my girls are old enough to be quite independent in their school and my 16 year old got her driver's license two weeks before all this happened. I thought my summer would be more about college planning but my priorities have changed.

 

Does anyone else balance these unique demands and, if so, how?????? I'm trying really hard to stay balanced and keep people as priority over stuff. I'd appreciate your thoughts and advice.

 

Blessings,

Julie

[Michelle in AL]

:grouphug: Hugs to you! :grouphug:

 

caring for an aged parent while homeschooling is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

 

We did make it though, it was very doable, I just had to stay organized. Here's some suggestions for when everything settles:

~Plan school out for a few weeks at a time.

~Let him be involved in the house if at all possible (chores, helping with kids etc).

~Don't feel guilty for taking time to do school. It might be hard because you may feel like you have to entertain him, but he's a family member and may live there, so don't feel guitly if you spend the whole am with the kids.

~Use any time with hospitalizations for planning etc.

~Above all take time for yourself.

 

Your kids will learn a lot of compassion from this. For me, it was easier to have him live with us, than to have him live separately and have to get out to drive him to appts, but the one I took care of was my FIL and my dh doesn't get along with him and he ended up moving to assisted living 4 mos later.

[HSMom2One]

My elderly mom has lived with us for nearly a decade, and over half of that time we've been hs'ing. Granted we have one dd, but the hs lifestyle has worked well for us while also caring for Grandma.

 

The biggest challenge for us has been dealing with my mom's (very innocent) interruptions of our study time. It took her awhile to understand that she couldn't just walk up to us and start chatting or asking questions while dd and I were doing lessons, or that it would be okay to plan a routine doctor appointment or shopping trip anytime she wanted during the week, etc. We learned after the first couple of years that moving school to our upstairs was quite helpful; not perfect, but still better than the dining room table. I also gave Mom specific time slots that would be best to schedule her medical appointments and errands during the week. The times I've given for those are days that are more flexible for us to pick up and leave the house, taking school books along for subjects that can more easily be done in the car or away from home.

 

I've also asked for a little help during the week in getting Mom out of the house to do something she enjoys. One of her friends that belongs to the church's group of seniors comes and picks her up on Thursday mornings to go to their weekly gathering. Sometimes they stop for lunch on the way home. This gives Mom an outlet that belongs to her, and a time where she isn't reliant on the family for every single thing.

 

Caring for someone in addition to hs'ing can be done. My main suggestions would be to:

 

1. Have a designated school area and set boundaries that protect your time with the dc. (With the exception of illness or emergency of course.) To balance that out, sometimes it's nice to pull the grandparent into certain lessons for input. Have lunch together during a break. Maybe have the grandparent listen to memorizations, student reading, etc. In other words, set boundaries, but don't completely exclude them.

 

2. Plan outside appointments on specific days that work best for everyone, or arrange for outside transportation.

 

3. Don't hesitate to get help from other family members and/or friends. If you try to do it all yourself, you will burn out. Be sure to spread out the responsibilities, delegate them to those in your circle.

 

4. Set aside specific times to have lunch, coffee, an outing or a time for conversation with your parent at which time they have you all to themselves for a short time. This makes them feel honored and special.

 

5. Set aside some time for yourself!! Please don't forget to nourish your body, soul and spirit on a regular basis. Being a hs parent AND caregiver can be demanding. You'll be better at taking care of others if you remember to take care of yourself regularly.

 

Having a multi-generational home is both challenging and wonderful all at the same time. I personally believe that it benefits everyone, and is the way family life should be.

 

Bless you as you embark on this journey!

 

Lucinda

Edited April 15, 2012 by HSMom2One

[Alphabetika]

We cared for my mom for five years after my dad died and she was unable to live alone. She died last September after an extremely grueling year, though the previous four years were not nearly as difficult and were very enjoyable. I have tried to gather my thoughts on all of this and haven't done a very good job, so I will probably post multiple times as I collect my thoughts. Also, I haven't read other replies, so I may be repeating others. But here is what comes to mind at the moment:

 

First, this will be a very hard journey but you will not regret it.

 

Second, you are teaching your kids about a level of care and sacrifice that it would be impossible for them to learn in another educational setting.

 

Third, when people outside your family offer help, TAKE IT. Meals, events for your kids, caring for your dad while you get a break....say YES to anyone you trust.

 

Many blessings to you, and :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

ETA: I'm so sorry for your loss. Extra hugs.

Edited April 15, 2012 by Alphabetika

[frugalmama]

First, this will be a very hard journey but you will not regret it.

 

Second, you are teaching your kids about a level of care and sacrifice that it would be impossible for them to learn in another educational setting.

 

Third, when people outside your family offer help, TAKE IT. Meals, events for your kids, caring for your dad while you get a break....say YES to anyone you trust.

 

Many blessings to you, and :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

ETA: I'm so sorry for your loss. Extra hugs.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

We have cared for my parents since before dd was born, Dad passed away last August so now we are just caring for my mom.

 

Take any and all decent help you can, and if you can get home health or respite do it, even if it's another family member coming to sit with parent. Schedule time to spend with just your kids regularly - it's easy to let that go by the wayside when caring for a parent. And take time for just yourself too.

[zookeeper]

My mom was diagnosed with brain cancer 2 weeks before I had #7. My parents lived across the street from us at the time. Due to work issues, my dad wasn't able to do much of the daily care. After her surgery, she needed someone to be with her during the day for several weeks. This wasn't entertaining time either. She slept a lot but someone needed to make sure she had food and drink when she was awake. And then the daily treatment appts began. My oldest at the time was 14. He's always been very independent and was able to keep up with pretty much all he needed to. My littlest ones (baby, 2yo, 4yo) didn't do anything but play all day. The three middles were just doing bare bones school - math, handwriting and reading. I tried to make sure they were reading good stuff, but wasn't always up on it.

 

Honestly, a lot went undone for that year but I don't regret any of it and I don't think you'd be able to tell by interacting with any of my kids. They got some great life lessons for that year. If it were going to be a long term thing, I might have to reevaluate some of that.

[mariposa]

I don't care for a parent, I actually care for my brother, who is severely disabled. I would think that it's very similar, though. He is nonverbal for the most part (he actually has yelling outbursts, in which case he gets sent to a room as far from where I'm teaching for a little while!), needs to be fed every meal, he's immobile, and he's incontinent.

 

That probably sounds like a lot to manage, but he's way easier to deal with than my toddler!

 

I think there's a lot of great advice here (in fact, going to copy some of these ideas down for myself!). I have actually found that my brother really enjoys being around us while we are doing school and seems to benefit from hearing the kids doing their lessons. I think it's been good for both him and the kids to be in this situation.

 

There are days where it's tough, but I just remind myself to take it one day at a time. I also only care for him 2 days a week (he lives with my parents the rest of the week) so my situation is different. I hope that it works out for you to be able to at least try it. You may find it to be rewarding more than you expect!

Sarah

[Julie in MO]

thank you all and I welcome more "been there done that advice." I will be printing this thread off and using it for encouragement!

Blessings,

Julie