Please critique this essay by Dd(13)

[SuperDad]

This is the revised version of an essay I posted a while (maybe a month?) ago. She loves writing novels but isn't great at essays/shorter pieces of writing, so please keep that in mind when commenting. Thanks in advance!

 

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I believe that sarcasm is a positive force in the world. Yes, you heard that right. I should know better than anyone, because sarcasm is who I am. I couldn’t avoid using it even if I tried. In my short life, I have quickly discovered that sarcasm can be harnessed and used for good.

 

Amid today’s flood of anti-bullying campaigns, many of which criticize sarcasm as cruel, disrespectful, and rude, I believe that sarcasm is essential. Bullying is generally crass and driven by cruel intentions, whereas sarcasm is refined, artistic, and, when used appropriately, a far cry from cruelty. True, it can be tricky to master the fine distinction between “hilarious†and “hurtfulâ€, but sarcasm used correctly is sly, surreptitious, and amusing. In my opinion, being skilled at subtle wordplay and wit is one of the most effective benchmarks of intelligence.

 

Truly, sarcasm is part of what shapes my worldview. To be successful, you’ve got to be eloquent, witty, and sharp on your feet. You have to embrace the bizarre and understand the intricacies of social environments. Sarcasm is all of these things and more. I have a deep sarcastic essence within my personality, and absolutely no desire to stifle it.

 

In actuality, sarcasm is all over the place. It’s the difference between a bone-dry lecture and an engaging presentation. It’s the distinction between a hilarious comedy routine and one that falls flat. It’s the separation between being culturally up-to-date and being behind on the times. Sarcasm is especially popular with teenagers and young adults, so adults who work with those age groups can employ sarcasm to help understand their students and give the impression of being more approachable.

 

For these reasons and more, I stand tall as an advocate for sarcasm. Sure, it can be exploited for evil when employed irresponsibly. But just like chocolate, when it’s reined in and used for good, it is simply exquisite. Sarcasm is an art, a skill, a personality trait, and a way of looking at the world. What’s not to love about such a complex and multifaceted concept?

[SuperDad]

:bigear:

[Cosmos]

I don't post very much here, nor do I consider myself much of an writing authority. But I'll give it a shot.

 

First off, I love the sound of your daughter's voice. Her personality really shines through. She sounds very articulate and witty, and I bet she has a great sense of humor.

 

I did not see the original version of the essay to which you refer. Perhaps you could post a link. Because I haven't read that, I don't know what aspects she was working on improving.

 

There are two big things that jumped out at me when I read her essay. First, the paragraphs seem to be a jumble of different arguments. Consider this paragraph, for example:

 

Amid today’s flood of anti-bullying campaigns, many of which criticize sarcasm as cruel, disrespectful, and rude, I believe that sarcasm is essential. Bullying is generally crass and driven by cruel intentions, whereas sarcasm is refined, artistic, and, when used appropriately, a far cry from cruelty. True, it can be tricky to master the fine distinction between “hilarious†and “hurtfulâ€, but sarcasm used correctly is sly, surreptitious, and amusing. In my opinion, being skilled at subtle wordplay and wit is one of the most effective benchmarks of intelligence.

 

I love that she started out addressing an argument against her thesis. That's a fantastic rhetorical technique. She can shoot it down and then move on to the points in her favor. I would like to see a clear argument here that refutes the claim that sarcasm is cruel. An example or two would be great. She concedes later in her conclusion that sarcasm *can* be used irresponsibly. This paragraph is the place to develop that angle.

 

Then I see two other arguments mixed into this paragraph. I have bolded them. She claims that "sarcasm is essential" and that it is a "benchmark of intelligence". Wow! I would love to see these ideas broken off and developed into main points. Why is sarcasm essential? What is an example in which sarcasm can be used as a benchmark of intelligence?

 

She may not want to develop those points, if she feels they are not essential arguments for her thesis. But they should not be included in this paragraph, because they do not contribute to the argument against the claim that sarcasm is always cruel.

 

Okay, so that's the first thing -- separate the arguments. I wonder if she made an outline of her essay. I think that might help her clearly distinguish the different ideas and decide which ones to develop fully and which potentially to drop. Something like this --

 

I. Introduction

II. Refute the claim that Sarcasm is Cruel

____A. Yes, it can be cruel when used irresponsibly (example)

____B. No, it is not always irresponsible

____C. How to tell the difference

III. Sarcasm is Essential in Communication

.

.

.

 

Or something like that. Of course it doesn't have to be a formal outline.

 

The second thing I noticed is that she has a LOT of ideas to support her thesis. Sarcasm is essential, sarcasm is part of my personality, sarcasm is popular, sarcasm is a skill. But I see very few examples. It's not enough, in my opinion, to simply state these arguments. She needs to develop them and convince the reader. Show us what sarcasm contributes to communication. In this paragraph she came close --

 

In actuality, sarcasm is all over the place. It’s the difference between a bone-dry lecture and an engaging presentation. It’s the distinction between a hilarious comedy routine and one that falls flat. It’s the separation between being culturally up-to-date and being behind on the times. Sarcasm is especially popular with teenagers and young adults, so adults who work with those age groups can employ sarcasm to help understand their students and give the impression of being more approachable.

In this paragraph I would say she is arguing that sarcasm is effective and in fact more effective than communication without sarcarm. (By the way, it would help to see that idea stated outright.) That's probably her strongest argument, and I'm glad to see that she developed it to the fullest degree. She also made a great choice in putting it at the end. Close strong!

 

But I would like to see the argument developed even more fully! Show us a specific example of a joke that doesn't work without the sarcasm. Or a lecturer who used sarcasm to capture her interest. She is writing in first person, so she can draw examples from her own experience.

 

The other arguments similarly need infusions of examples or explanations, instead of being baldly stated. That may mean eliminating some of the arguments, but her overall essay would be strong.

 

I hope that helps a bit. Are you familiar with the book The Lively Art of Writing? It's a fine tutorial in writing essays. The first several chapters, in particular, are incredibly helpful in how to develop a thesis statement and how to organize one's arguments. My guess is that it's appropriate for roughly 9th grade.

[SuperDad]

I don't post very much here, nor do I consider myself much of an writing authority. But I'll give it a shot.

 

First off, I love the sound of your daughter's voice. Her personality really shines through. She sounds very articulate and witty, and I bet she has a great sense of humor.

 

I did not see the original version of the essay to which you refer. Perhaps you could post a link. Because I haven't read that, I don't know what aspects she was working on improving.

 

There are two big things that jumped out at me when I read her essay. First, the paragraphs seem to be a jumble of different arguments. Consider this paragraph, for example:

 

 

 

I love that she started out addressing an argument against her thesis. That's a fantastic rhetorical technique. She can shoot it down and then move on to the points in her favor. I would like to see a clear argument here that refutes the claim that sarcasm is cruel. An example or two would be great. She concedes later in her conclusion that sarcasm *can* be used irresponsibly. This paragraph is the place to develop that angle.

 

Then I see two other arguments mixed into this paragraph. I have bolded them. She claims that "sarcasm is essential" and that it is a "benchmark of intelligence". Wow! I would love to see these ideas broken off and developed into main points. Why is sarcasm essential? What is an example in which sarcasm can be used as a benchmark of intelligence?

 

She may not want to develop those points, if she feels they are not essential arguments for her thesis. But they should not be included in this paragraph, because they do not contribute to the argument against the claim that sarcasm is always cruel.

 

Okay, so that's the first thing -- separate the arguments. I wonder if she made an outline of her essay. I think that might help her clearly distinguish the different ideas and decide which ones to develop fully and which potentially to drop. Something like this --

 

I. Introduction

II. Refute the claim that Sarcasm is Cruel

____A. Yes, it can be cruel when used irresponsibly (example)

____B. No, it is not always irresponsible

____C. How to tell the difference

III. Sarcasm is Essential in Communication

.

.

.

 

Or something like that. Of course it doesn't have to be a formal outline.

 

The second thing I noticed is that she has a LOT of ideas to support her thesis. Sarcasm is essential, sarcasm is part of my personality, sarcasm is popular, sarcasm is a skill. But I see very few examples. It's not enough, in my opinion, to simply state these arguments. She needs to develop them and convince the reader. Show us what sarcasm contributes to communication. In this paragraph she came close --

 

In this paragraph I would say she is arguing that sarcasm is effective and in fact more effective than communication without sarcarm. (By the way, it would help to see that idea stated outright.) That's probably her strongest argument, and I'm glad to see that she developed it to the fullest degree. She also made a great choice in putting it at the end. Close strong!

 

But I would like to see the argument developed even more fully! Show us a specific example of a joke that doesn't work without the sarcasm. Or a lecturer who used sarcasm to capture her interest. She is writing in first person, so she can draw examples from her own experience.

 

The other arguments similarly need infusions of examples or explanations, instead of

being baldly stated. That may mean eliminating some of the arguments, but her overall essay would be strong.

 

I hope that helps a bit. Are you familiar with the book The Lively Art of Writing? It's a fine tutorial in writing essays. The first several chapters, in particular, are incredibly helpful in how to develop a thesis statement and how to organize one's arguments. My guess is that it's appropriate for roughly 9th grade.

 

Thank you SO much.

[Pen]

I was wondering what ever happened with that essay. It was good enough for me to remember and wonder. I like it much better now!

 

I'd still like some fantastic examples of well done, "hilarious" or at least funny, not "hurtful" sarcasm!

 

Excellent points from Cosmos, also I thought, all worth taking into consideration for revised, revised draft!

 

Hope she is up for draft number next. :)

Edited March 20, 2012 by Pen