5LittleMonkeys Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 (edited) We have been doing writing across the curriculum using what I've learned from IEW TWSS. This assignment was part of her geography lesson as was to be a brief report on the Galapagos Islands. Here are the guidelines she was to follow: *One paragraph. *Paragraph needs to stay true to those topics introduced in the topic sentence. *Closing sentence needs to reflect the topic sentence. *Varying sentence structure. *Use of various stylistic techniques but not required to use all of them. ("-ly" word, strong verb, quality adjective, who or which clause, because clause, adverb clause) *Check for spelling, and grammar. I think she did a pretty good job but I'd really like to get some feedback. I'm not sure why but I'm wondering if the paragraph should have been about the geography OR the animals?? I didn't tell her that she should only pick one topic...I said for her to write about what she found the most interesting about the islands. She read from several different sources and created key word outlines from each then fused them together to create one outline that was the basis for this paragraph. Tomorrow we will work on siting her resources. Galapagos Islands From the warm ocean coasts to scorching hot deserts, in addition to the diversity of animal life, the Galapagos islands are very unique. The Galapagos Islands are located in the eastern Pacific Ocean off the west coast of South America. The largest island is named Isabela and can be found directly on the equator. The chain of islands contains fifteen main islands, three small islands, and one hundred and seven rocks and islets. Oppressive deserts dominate the landscape of these islands, which were created by volcanoes. The islands are thought to be between 8 million to 90 million years old. The landmasses of Isabela and Fernandina are still forming today from volcanic eruptions, one of which was as recent as 2009. Due to the uniqueness of the islands, in 1959 97.5% of the area was declared a national park. Within the borders of Galapagos National Park many animals reside. Giant tortoises, crabs, iguanas, and sea lions, among many other diverse mammals, amphibians, and birds can be found living on and around this rocky terrain. Interestingly, there are no large predatory mammals. Due to this situation, most of the animals on the islands have lost their fear instincts. This fact makes visiting the islands a distinctive experience. Thanks to the efforts of environmental conservationist and wildlife enthusiasts alike, the world still has this one of a kind wilderness to explore and learn about. Edited February 29, 2012 by 5LittleMonkeys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 I don't feel I know enough to critique, but I'm bumping this for you, and I'll share it with my 6th grader, hoping to inspire him! :D It is certainly better than what he is writing right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 I don't feel I know enough to critique, but I'm bumping this for you, and I'll share it with my 6th grader, hoping to inspire him! :D It is certainly better than what he is writing right now. Thanks! Don't be too hard on him...this level of writing has been a recent event. It took half the year to get here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create Your Ritual Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Hey there Aime .. I also know squat about critiquing ... hopefully Lewelma or someone can chime in for you. The only awkward sentence to me was the very first one. One thing I am learning through WWS is there are A LOT of ways to write science or history reports. If your ds likes this sort of writing .. about real events .. then I would suggest you try the first 10 weeks free of WWS that Peace Hill Press offers. They have several assignments like this and she really walks you through how to construct it. I feel very empowered after using it with the kids! We are working on Week 23 or 24 now .. literary analysis of The Necklace by Guy de Moupassant and they are doing great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 then I would suggest you try the first 10 weeks free of WWS that Peace Hill Press offers. I like WWS and we actually went through week 14, but she begged me to go back to IEW. I might re-visit it at some point but right now I'm getting more cooperation with writing across the curriculum and following the IEW methods. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewelma Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 (edited) I think that her paragraph is excellent for 6th grade, especially if she did it by herself. You should be pleased. The paragraph is clearly arranged (including a nice segue between the 2 topics in the paragraph) and the style is flowing (with very nice transitions between sentences). Her clincher is excellent, really really excellent. I think from the point of view of the IEW rubric she has met the objectives in structure and style. Here is a more detailed analysis, if you want to guide her in a few places. Please, please do not discourage her with this information. It may be only for you to think about to help guide her in her next paper. As I said above, her work meets the requirements, so more editing may be inappropriate. 1) Her paragraph can be outlined like this: I. Unique place A. Geology/geography B. Animal Life Having 2 parts in a paragraph is definitely acceptable as long as they support the topic sentence. In this case, I am not sure they quite do. If her topic sentence is about being "unique", then all of the facts that she puts in the paragraph need to support this. "The largest island is named Isabela and can be found directly on the equator." -- unique? not really. "Oppressive deserts dominate the landscape of these islands, which were created by volcanoes." Unique? definitely. I would have her think about each idea from this context. 2. Topic sentence: Style aside, her topic sentence is weak. Unique? hummm. kind of in the eye of the beholder. I would have her use parts of her clincher as the topic sentence. Perhaps focusing on wilderness experience, conservation, etc. 3. Style: Her first sentence doesn't work is for 2 reasons. a) the subject is too far from the beginning of the sentence especially for a topic sentence. b) "in addition to the diversity of animal life" refers to unique before it has been mentioned, so the reader is left confused. I personally would not muck around with any more of her style than this because she is "getting it." My approach is to pick the worst sentence in each assignment and analyze why it does not work. Hope this helps. And thanks for the vote of confidence, Sadanna. However, I am not the expert and learning as I go just like the rest of you!:001_smile: Ruth in NZ Edited March 1, 2012 by lewelma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 Here is a more detailed analysis, if you want to guide her in a few places. Please, please do not discourage her with this information. It may be only for you to think about to help guide her in her next paper. As I said above, her work meets the requirements, so more editing may be inappropriate. 1) Her paragraph can be outlined like this: I. Unique place A. Geology/geography B. Animal Life Having 2 parts in a paragraph is definitely acceptable as long as they support the topic sentence. In this case, I am not sure they quite do. If her topic sentence is about being "unique", then all of the facts that she puts in the paragraph need to support this. "The largest island is named Isabela and can be found directly on the equator." -- unique? not really. "Oppressive deserts dominate the landscape of these islands, which were created by volcanoes." Unique? definitely. I would have her think about each idea from this context. 2. Topic sentence: Style aside, her topic sentence is weak. Unique? hummm. kind of in the eye of the beholder. I would have her use parts of her clincher as the topic sentence. Perhaps focusing on wilderness experience, conservation, etc. 3. Style: Her first sentence doesn't work is for 2 reasons. a) the subject is too far from the beginning of the sentence especially for a topic sentence. b) "in addition to the diversity of animal life" refers to unique before it has been mentioned, so the reader is left confused. I personally would not muck around with any more of her style than this because she is "getting it." My approach is to pick the worst sentence in each assignment and analyze why it does not work. Hope this helps. And thanks for the vote of confidence, Sadanna. However, I am not the expert and learning as I go just like the rest of you!:001_smile: Ruth in NZ Thank you so much. I have to say that the opening sentence was really the only one I had the most problem with too. I wasn't quite sure what was wrong with it though other than it being worded awkwardly. What you are saying about the details not really supporting the mention of 'unique' is spot on. I can see that now. Her clincher is much better than her opener. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sagira Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 Well done! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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