Renaissance Mom Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) This is 8th grade dd's 1st persuasive essay. (I do not intend to offend anyone by the topic -- we're just trying to master essay-writing skills here.) This is her final assignment from The Elegant Essay, byw. I'm not even sure any more if I can be objective. I want to prep her well to write essays well -- so I need someone else to tell me if we're on track here or not. :confused: TIA. “Rrinnngg!” “Hello, this is ShopRite, how may we help you?” “Yes, this is Mrs. Campbell, and I’d like to place an order for a birthday cake for my son.” “All right, ma’am. What would you like on his cake?” “Happy Birthday, Adolf Hitler.” “Ummm... I think you better talk to my supervisor, ma’am.” “Oh, okay—hello, is this the supervisor?” “Yes, it is, but we can’t make that cake for you, ma’am.” “But...” “Sorry, ma’am, but we won’t make that cake for you because we believe that writing a birthday wish to Adolf Hitler is inappropriate.” (Gary) “Well, really! But if that’s the way you feel, then I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.” “Goodbye, ma’am.” Much more than making it difficult to buy a birthday cake, naming a child after Adolf Hitler paves a very thorny life for that child. Adolf Hitler actually said that he would make his name his epitaph, which he certainly accomplished, but in a way no one wishes to emulate. Hitler’s name is a curse that no feeling parents would wish to bestow upon their child. Giving a child Adolf Hitler as a namesake abuses that child, endorsing Hitler’s atrocious bias to him or her. Adolf Hitler made his race hatred known to the world, and encouraged others to hate Non-Aryans, also. In his book, Mein Kampf, Hitler displayed openly his view that Jews are the enemy of mankind. He also stated, “I set the Aryan and the Jew over against each other; and if I call one of them a human being, I must call the other something else. The two are as widely separated as man and beast. Not that I would call the Jew a beast... He is a creature outside nature and alien to nature.” (Axelrod) This passage demonstrates that he overtly and without compunction hated Jews. Because a child might see his or her namesake as someone to look up to, naming a child after Adolf Hitler would encourage that child to imitate Hitler’s bias. This in turn would cause the child to live a miserable life of hatred. Humane parents wouldn’t want to give their child this man, with an obviously morally twisted bias, as a role model. Humane parents wouldn’t want to attach a child to Hitler so closely as to share a name. Any parents who commend race hatred by naming their child Adolf Hitler risk ruining that child’s life. In the same manner, Hitler’s egotistical and brutal ambitions should not be recommended to a child. Ambitions aren’t always corrupt, but Hitler’s ambitions violated even the most basic Biblical principles. He desired nothing less than to conquer the world. In fact, he declared, “Today Germany; tomorrow, the world.”(Axelrod) Jesus warns us against this in Luke 9:25, “‘What does it profit them if they gain the whole world, but lose or forfeit themselves?’” (“Lutheran Study”) To name a child after Adolf Hitler would give that child permission to admire him. Hitler’s craving for power at least partly caused him to ignore the truth of Jesus’ gift of salvation. A child who follows Adolf Hitler’s example would probably share his fate. That would deprive the child of eternal life with Jesus, not to mention that it would render his or her earthly life void of meaning. In fact, the child’s life would be full of chasing after vain ambitions, running after whatever they fancy, hoping to satisfy themselves. No parents should curse their child like that. No parents should instruct their child to follow selfish ambitions by naming their child after Adolf Hitler. Parents should not advocate Hitler’s policies to their children by naming them after him, either. Adolf Hitler seemed to strive to find the most harsh, ruthless, and horrific policy to use, as displayed by his actions and words. The eve before Hitler’s Blitzkrieg on Poland in 1939 he addressed his generals. “Close your hearts to pity,” he commanded. “Act brutally. Whatever we find in the shape of an upper class in Poland is to be liquidated...” (Dowswell) Within a week, Poland would be crushed. Several years later, Heinrich Himmler, head of the Nazi SS, announced to the future commandant of the German death camp, Auschwitz, “The Fuhrer has ordered that the Jewish question be settled once and for all... Every Jew that we lay our hands on has to be destroyed.” (Dowswell) These instances demonstrate the callous policies that Hitler used commonly. They are simply too much. Decent parents would be the last people to promote these policies to their child. Moreover, any feeling parent would do anything but advocate Hitler’s policies. The dialogue at the beginning of this essay, while imagined, is based on a true story. (“’Nein’ Cake”) The almost three-year-old Adolf did get his cake eventually, only from a different store. But that didn’t solve the true problem. What about when he gets older? Will he choose to follow the example of his namesake? Will he learn to be ashamed of, or, what’s worse, proud of his name? Whatever happens, his parents forced him to be “Adolf Hitler Campbell” for the rest of his life. Edited February 1, 2012 by Renaissance Mom Separate paragraphs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) Your DD's command of English is good, and she shows creativity with her dialog - but she needs to work on the format of the persuasive essay. In a persuasive essay, I would definitely omit the cutesy introductory dialogue story and begin by stating a clear thesis: Parents should not allowed to name their child Adolf Hitler. She needs to begin with an introduction that lists her main arguments, and then discuss each of her arguments in favor of her thesis in the subsequent paragraphs. To me, the distinction between her paragraphs seemed quiet muddy. Endorsing Hitler's bias, his brutality and his politics would, to me, be one package and essentially a single argument. The paper reads more like a discussion of Hitler than like a persuasive essay. The extensive citations about Hitler would have their place in a historical, expository essay - in this context, they strike me as superfluous. The argument that a child would emulate his namesake is far fetched and not supported; it is equally likely that the child may develop self hatred. A claim like this should be supported with citations, not the generally accepted fact that Hitler was an antisemit. A thought that is missing and that, IMO needs to be there is the perception of others - to me, a huge problem of a name like this would be the perceptions the outside world has of the child and the parents; bullying and judgment are probably inevitably. The conclusion paragraph is too journalistic - it is nice writing, but feels out of place in the persuasive essay. Restate the thesis and summarize your argument. I would begin working on persuasive essays by choosing an easier thesis: one that is arguable enough. Something that is really debatable because there are strong arguments for either point of view. A thesis with which everybody would agree does not, in most cases, make the best essay topic. Edited February 1, 2012 by regentrude Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renaissance Mom Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) Thank you for your suggestions. You actually articulated several of the things which concerned me. I have been unable to clearly identify why I had these nagging concerns. But I do feel I am not performing very well as the teacher. Working on essay writing this year has weakened my confidence in my ability to teach this subject in high school. I am a confident and capable writer myself, but I struggle mightily with teaching HOW to do it. IEW-type curricula worked very well for us for elementary level techniques. I have absolutely hated the Elegant Essay, which we just completed. So does anyone have any suggestions for me on where to turn? Or do I throw in the towel and find someone else to teach her? If so, where do I look? We just can't shell out $400-500 for an online class. Our local co-op stinks at continuity of any subject and is a considerably worse choice than keeping me as the teacher. Help? Edited February 1, 2012 by Renaissance Mom spelling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I think you should post on the main curriculum forum where more people will see your question. What was the original subject your daughter was supposed to be writing about? Hitler? Names? And this was from an IEW exercise? (I don't know what the Elegant Essay is.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renaissance Mom Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 The Elegant Essay is a product from IEW on how to write essays. For some odd reason, it didn't resonate with me --- I thought the content of the lessons was good while the approach to teaching it left me frustrated. The topic of her essay was to show why parents shouldn't name their child after Adolf Hitler. Dd did focus too much on Hitler's attributes and not on the reasons/pitfalls/etc. for naming their children after anyone in particular. What concerns me is that while she was working on the essay, it really didn't occur to me in a clear way that her paragraph topics weren't directly supporting her thesis. She was so excitied to be collecting evidence from her sources and then putting it all together that I didn't look too critically at it. This process has not been easy for her so I erred on the side of encouragement rather than critique at this stage. After she finished the paper, I was uncomfortable but couldn't quite articulate why. Regentrude's answer sums it up very nicely -- those were many of the things that were nagging at me but I couldn't quite name them. It still bothers me that I didn't see these issues until after the fact. THAT is what I want to change (me as the teacher). Thanks for "listenting." You're right. I would get more responses on the logic stage or high school board. Maybe I'll re-post when I find the energy -- right now I am really too discouraged. Blessings, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Monica, I do not think you need to be discouraged. Your DD's writing looks fine, it is really just mastering the format and structure. It might help your DD if she started with a clear outline: thesis, list three supporting facts, list examples/things you want to say for each of these. That will help her see the structure of her essay clearer. I would really suggest that she practice with a topic she has thought about, and feels passionate about, so she can work the persuasion part. My son's first persuasive essay topic was to defend homeschooling, LOL. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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