Advice for helping kids deal with their anger, please!

[PinkTulip]

My 8 yo ds doesn't deal very well with his anger. For example, if he mis-spells a spelling word and I ask him to write it out three times, he has a big tantrum that he doesn't want to. I gently explain to him that he can either write it out, or tell me the correct spelling, but either way, he needs to learn. Another big tantrum, this time, running out of the room saying he hates spelling.

 

Another situation is that a friend was wearing my son's coat because he was cold. My son was going outside and asked the friend to take it off, please, and the friend refused. My son went off the handle, grabbing the friend my the front of his shirt, and said something like, "do it now." I think this scared his friend, because the friend said "I'll never be your friend again." When my son got home, he was very upset and after much coaxing, I found out what happened. I had my son write his friend a note of apology, and the friend called today for a playdate, so I know things are fine now.

 

My point in all this rambling is that I'm seeing a pattern where my son gets upset by a situation and doesn't know how to deal with his anger appropriately. He usually just reserves his emotional displays (tantrums) for home, but now it seems to be branching out with his peers. What is some advice or resources anyone could recommend to help me help my son deal with his anger more appropriately?

 

Thanks!

Suzanne

[Meliss]

Hi

 

I don't know if you are interested in Christian content, but The Heart of Anger is a book with biblical counseling on dealing with anger.

[Kay in Cal]

My ds6 needs lots of coaching with anger. We're trying to teach that it's OK to be angry, but there are appropriate and inappropriate ways of demonstrating our anger.

 

We've been working on a collection of skills, and a pattern to help remember how to resolve anger:

First of all, we say "I'm feeling very angry!" (or however you want to say that). If we are so angry that we can't help ourselves from acting out, then it is time to walk away and have some alone time. In the past we've had to walk ds to his room, now he'll go on his own. Then we've introduced some "cool down" skills--counting, blowing fingers (you count down from ten, and blow on the tip of each finger like it's a candle on a cake), deep breathing, even hitting the pillow if you must have physical action. If we're not THAT angry, then the cool down skills can be used "on site" (just take a breath and count down from ten).

 

Once you are calm, you can return and resolve the conflict with calm, kind and quiet voices.

 

It is a challenge to have a volatile child, but we want our ds to learn to cope with his feelings before he's a grown up, you know?

[Adrianne]

My ds6 needs lots of coaching with anger. We're trying to teach that it's OK to be angry, but there are appropriate and inappropriate ways of demonstrating our anger.

 

We've been working on a collection of skills, and a pattern to help remember how to resolve anger:

First of all, we say "I'm feeling very angry!" (or however you want to say that). If we are so angry that we can't help ourselves from acting out, then it is time to walk away and have some alone time. In the past we've had to walk ds to his room, now he'll go on his own. Then we've introduced some "cool down" skills--counting, blowing fingers (you count down from ten, and blow on the tip of each finger like it's a candle on a cake), deep breathing, even hitting the pillow if you must have physical action. If we're not THAT angry, then the cool down skills can be used "on site" (just take a breath and count down from ten).

 

Once you are calm, you can return and resolve the conflict with calm, kind and quiet voices.

 

It is a challenge to have a volatile child, but we want our ds to learn to cope with his feelings before he's a grown up, you know?

 

:iagree:

 

I have also found with my boys that the anger comes from frustration and not being able to communicate their feelings with words. My boys will cry, hit, and scream at each other instead of solving the problems calmly.

 

Right now, my ds5 just hits when he is angry. Unfortunately, my ds9 does not immediately act this way, but after being hit by his brother a war usually breaks out. We are working on teaching them the words to use and the options they have when they are these situations.

 

It takes time, constant coaching and correction but it does get better. In every situation I see them get angry and act out in the wrong way, I try to stop what is going on, calm them down (like Kay suggested counting to 10 ten, walking away) and help them to solve the fight or situation in a positive way. But I find I must give them the right words and actions to use. I use questions like, what did you do wrong? How can you handle it in a positive way?

 

With my ds9, we just started talking to him about letting anger and his emotions control him and how this effects his life choices.

 

If I see them handle the situation correctly, then I praise, praise, praise, and point out what they did right.

 

I try not punish in these situations (only if I see direct defiance). Only time outs to calm down and such. I really try to focus on teaching the right way to handle their anger.

 

Hang in there! You are doing the right thing!