Parent/grandparent moving in with your family

[LazyDazy]

We are considering having my fil move in with us to help him (and us) to cut expenses. We are looking at buying a house and as we were beginning our search my fil approached dh about finding something that would be big enough to include him. He works nights and sleeps days. My biggest concern is that we are home doing school during the day and we aren't exactly quiet.

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation? What are your thoughts?

[black_midori]

We have my FIL & MIL living with us, and I love it!

 

That being said - I have known multiple people over the years who have loved ones doing night schedules, and it is a big complaint from all of them about how difficult it is to keep the kids quiet & out of the hair of the sleeping "beast"! :) If I were going to have someone move in with us that I KNEW had an odd schedule, I'd go out of my way to make sure that was as little of an issue as possible.

 

The two ways I can think of to do this in your situation would be to either get a piece of land with a main house and an in-laws extra house/apt or to get a big enough house that you can put the FIL way far away in his own section (upstairs or one one leg of an L or something).

 

I can think of few things more difficult in living arrangements than learning how to live with your FIL at the same time you learn how to live with someone who sleeps during the day... both potentially difficult situations!

 

My in-laws have a fairly normal sleeping schedule (although early to bed and early to rise!), but I STILL end up having them come out to see "what's going on" with various noises during the day (especially sobs - my MIL can't bear to hear the boys cry, even when it is something ridiculous like "Mom wouldn't let me have a snack" or something!).

[Jryanbass]

We love it! We live upstairs and my MIL lives in the finished basement. She has her own bedroom/bath/living room and kitchen. The floor isn't insulated well, but she says she rarely hears us, and she works from home so quiet is a must for her phone calls.

[Impish]

Completely depends on the personalities of the ppl involved.

 

Setting out clear expectations/boundaries is probably the place to start.

[HSMom2One]

My 80 yo mother has lived with us for several years now, and it has had its pros and cons. Overall, it has been very positive and we would make the same decision again if we went back in time knowing what we know now. I would say that it's important to understand in advance that some challenges will come up with older parents living with their adult children that have to do with role reversals, and also the issues of aging as it relates to grief and emotions, health needs, etc. Expect it and prepare if you go into a long-term living situation together.

 

I think that the majority of issues that we have found to be difficult in our home would have been solved by Mom having more private quarters in the house. She has her own bedroom, sewing area and computer alcove, but we share a bathroom, kitchen and our dining space. The living room is really for her too, but she mostly watches tv in her bedroom and only comes out to sit in the living room occasionally. We've set up a portable greenhouse near the patio and containers for her flowers and plants right on the patio so they are easy for her to reach. She seems content on the most part, but for her to have had a contained apartment would have been ideal for both her and me. (Sharing a kitchen with my dear mother has been quite frustrating.) I think it would be especially important to have more privacy for a fil that works and sleeps on a different schedule. So when you start looking for a home, do keep these things in mind.

 

The real key in going into a situation like this is honest communication up front before making any commitments. Allow your fil as much independence as possible and for as long as possible. Give him his space, and establish your own need for space. Set boundaries. Explain clearly that the children's home education is vital to the family and needs to be respected in the same way as any other school or home business with as few interruptions as possible -- especially when it comes to an elderly parent relying on you for transportation. My mom is on oxygen 24/7 and gave up driving a few years back. We have an understanding that all medical appointments she needs to make will only be on certain days of the week, and only in the mid to late afternoon. This way her needs are met and our school day is not chopped up any more than necessary. I also arranged for Mom to have other transportation to a weekly meeting to seniors at church, and it has worked out well.

 

One last caution is regarding personal privacy. Without meaning to in any way, older parents and their grown children that live together can become more involved in each other's personal business more than they would have otherwise. It can happen very subtly over a period of time without you even realizing it. Make intentional efforts to respect and/or set boundaries when it comes to marital issues especially and also child rearing. Having open, honest discussions about this in a loving way at the start makes a big difference.

 

Despite what I've said here, I believe that having multiple generations in the house is a wonderful thing and that it should be encouraged. There should be fewer people sent to live in assisted living centers in this country! It is possible to take care of our dearly beloved elderly folks, as they are our family. It's just that we need to be prepared and be smart about it! Planning ahead for these things makes all the difference in the world.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda