Temper/behavioral problems from being together so much

[angiemama]

Hello,

 

I was wondering if any of you have had similar concerns.

 

My 7 y/o has lots of fits. He gets angry and has temper tantrums still. He will blow up at some of the slightest hints of aggravation from my 10 y/o.

 

My concern is that they are constantly together and that he may be "feeling "small'. After all, he is always seeing his older bro draw better, throw harder, jump further, run faster, and know more 24/7. I am hoping this is not overwhelming for him and that being at home together all the time is exacerbating his feeling like the "under dog".

 

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[eternalknot]

Mine have more years between them (five) so it's not as big an issue for my younger to be around -and to know- that the older sibling will tend to be more advanced at certain skills; it's no different for my 10 year old to be around me ... and I'm an active, involved mother who proves quite frequently that I draw better, throw more accurately, jump further, run faster, and know more than he (the 10 year old). I think some of that boils down to presentation (many skills develop over time, of which an older child will have an unqualified advantage) but some of it will also come down to personality - among other things, like the aforementioned age spread.

 

Nearly all skills come more easily and well to my 10 year old. That said, my five year old still has areas where she is "better" or more naturally inclined to perform at a higher capacity than can my 10 year old. And both outperform me on electronics (they load my iPod for me, set the DVR, etc.) despite my clear age advantage over them. Is there nothing your younger son does that is unique to his skill set and talents? Do you unwittingly encourage competition between the two in other areas - or do you perhaps over-emphasize fairness, and it's manifesting itself here, too? Is your 7 year old just that certain type of personality that is a bit more stubborn and determined to perform on par to or better than others, particularly those he imagines to be his most serious competition? (If yes to the latter, I don't imagine there is much you can do until he matures out of this stage.)

 

If my concern was that my 7 year old felt "small" I would probably begin with a live, in the flesh example of how I hope he'd handle the frustration of learning a new skill and/or being the less talented one performing said skill. I'd model the behavor I wanted him to show, with the end goal of teaching him how to mold that frustration into something constructive - whether that became determination, or just acceptance at one's limitations. Maybe I'd ask him to show me how to skateboard ... let him see me struggle, get frustrated, fall down, be embarassed, get upset, and so on ... and let him see me model how he should handle those emotions.

 

Maybe I'd have to do this with a few different scenarios over the course of weeks, months, years, before the lesson hit home. I'd have to hope that even if I didn't see an immediate change in his own behavior, that perhaps he was taking mental notes that would all come to successful fruition one day down the road when his emotional maturation met his chronological maturation. You don't mention your eldest, but I guess I'd make sure that he did his part in encouraging his younger sibling and use his talents for good instead of evil (;)) by passing on the knowledge and tips to the 7 year old, where applicable. My 10 year old loves to mentor my 5 year old; again, that could be because their age spread is so much greater, or because they're different genders, or because those are just their general personalities ... but maybe you could work with your older child to help you mentor the younger one. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

[dcjlkplus3]

I was wondering if any of you have had similar concerns.

 

My 7 y/o has lots of fits. He gets angry and has temper tantrums still. He will blow up at some of the slightest hints of aggravation from my 10 y/o.

 

My concern is that they are constantly together and that he may be "feeling "small'. After all, he is always seeing his older bro draw better, throw harder, jump further, run faster, and know more 24/7. I am hoping this is not overwhelming for him and that being at home together all the time is exacerbating his feeling like the "under dog".

 

 

 

 

To deal with the fighting that togetherness can cause here, we have quiet time daily (sometimes Mommy needs it the most). My girls sometimes want to go back to sharing a room, and I have told them that they will still have to have quiet time separately. We all need a little downtime in our days.

 

I wouldn't assume that he is feeling small unless there are reasons that you think that. I hear it the other way (why do I have to do more work than little sister? Because you are in 4th grade and she is in 2nd) more often.