How would you help a shy teen make friends?

[Shawn On the Border]

Ds15 has always been shy. Now that he's older he seems aloof with people he doesn't know. He has learned to be polite with adults, but he hasn't learned to open up with kids his own age (unless he already knows them). We've tried to help him over the years- he has been in many activities from sports to AWANA. In most activities, he keeps to himself. The sad thing is that he really wants friends now, but doesn't know how to go about it. He does have a couple friends, but he really needs some good, close friends. Lately he has been acting out at home, and I think it is because he is just not happy being a loner. Is there anything that we can do to help him?

[Susan in TN]

I was/am like this, and my 15yo son is also. I remember finding it difficult to form any kind of relationship with people that I didn't come in contact with on almost a daily basis, or at least regularly for a very long period of time. For me, that was public school and youth symphony, college, etc.

 

I also remember having to read in some of those stupid teen magazines about how to "break the ice" and engage in small talk (and why that is an important skill). I'm sure it never occurred to my parents that that was something I needed to be taught - it comes naturally to many people, but not me.

 

So learning to do those things, learning to remember people's names, ask about their lives (how is your sick grandfather, did you have a good camping trip, do you like ______/I'm trying to decide what to get....), and then how to follow up with people that he thinks he might get along with (even nominally).

 

For my son, I find that being in a small high school Sunday School class has been good for him - he's participating in projects and social events that I really didn't expect. He hasn't developed any close friendships yet, but that may take time. On the other hand, he's been with the same Boy Scouts for years now, and hasn't developed any close friendships there. Dh and I try to keep our "eyes out" for potential friendships with our kids and try to develop relationshisp with their families, and that seems to help, also.

[ChristusG]

I was like this as a teen and I'm still like this today.

 

Honestly, I'm not really sure that much can be done. You can try giving him opportunities to talk with other teens one on one, rather than in a group. Sometimes that helps. But when I was a teen, I didn't really want my parents helping me make friends. Some people are just really shy.

 

Today, I don't really have friends. I'm just not comfortable talking to people unless I know them very, very well. And it's hard to know them very, very well if it's difficult to initiate conversations with them LOL.