Teaching kids to take responsibility

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I know this is probably still in the normal age range, and it doesn't help that ds also has some issues (currently; PDD-NOS, ADHD, ODD, etc.).

 

DS, 6, is forever yelling at other people when HE does something. For example, when playing his nintendo ds, or the wii, he'll yell at his sister if he loses. It's "her fault" he lost because she was making noises, dancing, or even in her room! He gets beyond frustrated and freaks out. Rage freak out, like someone who needs anger managment. He leaves cups and bowls on the floor where his oblivious sister will accidently kick them, and then he'll yell at her. It could also be the computer's fault, the car's fault, my fault, etc. I could give a ton of examples.

 

I do send him to his room to calm down, but it doesn't help. Then he gets mad that his sister did x and got him sent to his room. When he comes back down, he doesn't let it go. He doesn't have the language to sit and have a "conversation" about this. He has language, uses language, but when he's mad, he can't do much more than growl or scream. Talking to him after he's calmed down will get him angry again, and he'll still refuse to see that his sister did not do anything.

 

Advice?

[Peela]

I have a son who used to be similar, but he does seem to have grown out of it now (he is 15 now).

 

When you say he is deliberately refusing to see that its not his sister's fault- I would say that that is not a conscious act on his part. He is reacting from somewhere that is not reasonable but emotional, and he has no access to reason at that time.

 

I dont really know the answer. We did hold our son accountable and just patiently, without getting upset with him (because getting upset with someone who is upset doesn't help at all), take him to his room (where he might kick the door until he calmed down) or sometimes just stay with him and stay connecting and communicating until he calmed down.

 

I think all those years of being reasonable with him, as much as possible, even though he couldnt be reasonable back, did go deep in him. Hes not too bad nowadays and if he does "go off like a firecracker" which he did do this afternoon in response to something I said, he will tend to back down much more quickly and usually become quite reasonable later. He needs a calm parent to respond sanely and wisely- and protectively towards anyone he might be attempting to hurt. So if he is being abusive towards his sister, he is removed from the room if he wont respond to being told to stop.

 

However, I think a child that gets that out of control is also often frightened by their own overwhelming emotions and can be helped by a parent staying calmly present with them as they go through it. Sending them to their room and punishing them can just isolate them with their own overpowering feelings. And even if they do need to be separated for everyone's wellbeing- they need to be accepted and forgiven and reconnected with deeply, once the episode is past.

 

I am not a therapist but I do feel that these kids- and there are many nowadays- need a lot of extra support and attention and cant be punished into behaving well. They need a lot, and they take a lot of parenting. They are not deliberately, consciously being "bad"- who would? They need heaps of patience and understanding and acceptance, as well as firm boundaries.

 

Good luck. I wouldnt trade my difficult son for anything- I have learned so much and he is the light of my heart (along with my easy going dd who has been sooo patient with her unreasonable brother).

[laughing lioness]

Turn off the Nintendo and put it away. Limit the Wii to 10 minute rounds or turn it off and put it away. Electronic equipment and young boys (esp those leaning towards add, hyperactivity,etc, is not a winning combo imho)

Is he trained to pick up his dishes? Why are they on the floor? Dishes left out = he loads the diswasher next time. Tie consqeuences to the behaviors that you want eliminated.

Have your son engage in "green therapy" each and every day (going outside).

Make sure that your ds is getting lots of reading/snuggle time.

Set expectations for behavior clearly, verbally and in writing with your kids. Tell your kids that at the FIRST sign of out of control behavior they earn a consequence.

Do you use time outs? Poor behavior = time out. In our home that means sitting in a designated place on your hands.

I would also talk to him calmly about how to manage himself when he is angry, deep breaths,etc.

Set clear expectations ahead of time, firm bounderies and follow through.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

My Asperger son has a tendency to blame his brother for things that go "wrong" in his life. He was also prone to huge fits of rage that would last a very long time. I took some drastic steps, and everyone who knows him agrees that he is much better than he ever has been. I dramatically reduced the time he is allowed to be in front of any screen- TV, Wii, Computer. And, I cut out processed sugar and almost all other processed foods from his diet. He is a new kid. He still blames his brother sometimes, but his fits are fewer and much farther between.

[elise1mds]

Ohhh I know exactly what you mean!! My son does that, too. He'll calm down and start talking and tell me, "But I'm still mad because you are (or my sister is, or the wall is, or whatever is...) the one who did X and made me mad."

 

WTH... really?? The wall made you kick it?? The food made you throw it?? :banghead:

 

For those things, I remind him that inanimate objects are incapable of being vindictive but that he is. For the times he gets angry with me or his sister or his father, I have to go through what I call the Golden Rule Speech. It goes like this, nearly verbatim, every time:

 

Me: How did it start?

Him: She did Y.

Me: Because of what?

Him: I did X.

Me: What would you have done if your sister had done X to you? (Or, alternately: Do you think she did Y on purpose?)

Him: [pause while he tries to get creative] Z. (Or, alternately: Yes.)

Me: Really. :glare:

Him: No. I'd have done Y.

Me: So was your response to her appropriate?

Him: [pause, followed by sullen response] No.

Me: Go apologize, and then we'll talk about the consequence for your reaction.

 

He has owned up to his mistakes a few times without us having to go through all these steps, and I have rewarded him for being mature and responsible. I think in these cases, we have to remember that their maturity level is WAY below their age level. My DS is at or slightly below the emotional maturity level of my daughter, and it makes it difficult, especially because he's so darn smart academically. Doesn't make it easier, but at least it makes it understandable. I hope he comes around soon. I don't enjoy the blame game in the least.

 

:grouphug:

[momofsbandeg]

I'll be watching this thread!!:lurk5:

[LostSurprise]

Consistency

Time

 

My oldest has this problem. It took many years of removing the stress-er (usually video games but not always), calmly telling him he needed to be responsible for the things he does and we will talk to siblings about what they do, and letting him know that if he couldn't take care of his part (knowing what he specifically did and apologize or fix it) then he couldn't have the things that caused the problem.

 

It's pretty common for me to say "why are you asking about so-and-so (or yelling at them or correcting them)? Who's business is your job? Okay, please take care of that and if there's a problem with someone else they and I will take care of it."