Inspired and Encouraged

[Tracy]

During lunch today, dd6 asked what we were going to do afterward. Since we have just gotten over illnesses, I shared my long list of both academic and household activities that needed to get done. Inspired by a book I just finished, I began to ponder my response to her question and decided that I needed to do it over. I called her over and said that I had told her what I wanted to do but that I didn't ask her what she wanted.

 

So I asked her what she wanted to do. She responded that she wanted to finish her math worksheet (the one she had cried about doing earlier that morning) and then play on the computer. So we talked briefly about our options, and we decided that I would exercise, and meanwhile, she could finish her math and then play on the computer until I was done.

 

Now, let me just emphasize that she really hates any worksheets, so I don't give them to her very often. She also really hates being alone, so I don't ever ask her to do schoolwork while I am busy doing something else. Yet this was her proposal, and what I had contemplated not getting to actually got done. All because I asked her what she wanted to do. :D

[wormbuy]

And now I need to ask....what is the book?! Could be inspiring....

[Tracy]

Your Competent Child by Jesper Juul

 

The premise is that children are wired to cooperate with their parents, even to the denial of their own needs. What we see as misbehavior is either a child cooperating in a way we don't understand, a child that has cooperated for too long, or a child whose "integrity" has been violated (meaning, in this book, that parents have misused their power or authority over the child).

 

I don't agree with everything in the book, but I was really inspired by the idea that when you (as a parent) say clearly what you want without dictating what the child should do, the child will most often choose to do what the parent wants. There was also some discussion in the book about making it a point to give young children by the age of 5 or 6 lots of opportunities to discuss what they want and make choices so that when it really begins to matter in the teen years, they are more internally focussed instead of looking to what everyone else is doing.

 

In this particular instance, dd6 already knew what I wanted. She came up with an entirely different suggestion, but it was still in line with what I wanted. And in fact, it turned out to be a better suggestion than any of mine.