Janice in NJ Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 This is in response to what Brenda said about re-inventing the wheel for the next kid. I started typing under the other thread and figured it made no sense to post it there, so I thought I would start fresh.... (I could use a little of that right now.) Hi Brenda, Oh my! Do I feel your pain about re-inventing the wheel for the next kid! Dd (my 10th grader) has been easy. My 8th grade ds is going to be harder to shoe-horn into a do-over. I'm really mentally having a hard time with this for some reason - it's generated an interesting last couple of months for me mentally. I know that once he starts 9th grade in the fall, I have to finish. I know that I can provide him with the best education - no doubts. I know that now. I get it. Now I just have to muster up the gumption to do it. It would be so much easier if we could just rinse and repeat. But we can't. Couple that with the fact that my enthusiasm isn't as wide-eyed as it used to be. (I get a LOT of things now. Lots. And I'm not sure how I feel about everything I've learned.) Rambling.... I guess I'm just suffering from a slump. Life is grand. Hsing have been a success. No question there. All is well. I just feel like there is a knotted "something" for me emotionally. Not sure. I think it has to do with how I thought I would feel at the end of this journey v. how I feel. For some reason, I thought I would feel this overwhelming sense of accomplishment. Everyone tells me I should. But I don't really. I'm proud. Proud in a maternal way. Proud of my ds. But the accomplishments are his. They feel like they are his. That's as it should be; that makes sense. But I don't feel much for me. I just don't feel like I've accomplished some big thing. It was a TON of hard work for a bazzillion days on end. But it doesn't feel like I think you should feel when you climb a mountain; it doesn't feel big, noble, lofty, or exceptional. It doesn't feel like a "big peg" in life. It feel nice but in a mundane kind of way. It feels like when I make a really nice week-night dinner. Attempting to notch it up a bit, I take the time to throw down an un-ironed tablecloth and cloth napkins. The food is just right. And the cheap wine tastes warm. But everyone just wolfs it down as usual. Ten minutes of chat-n-chaw. And now I have to tidy up the dishes. It was nice. But nothing really special. Homeschooling to the very end - it feels satisfying to have done it well. But nothing life-shattering. I don't feel different as a person. I don't feel anything close to what I thought I would feel. Did I miss all of the conversations where ya'll worked through this? I really don't think it's a attachment issue. Ds and I are close, but I am very excited to see him launch. I'm looking forward to watching him live the next phase of his life. I'll miss him - sure. But I think we'll always be close. I'm really not anxious about him leaving. I'm so psyched for him. Why don't I feel like I've jumped the final hurdle? It's not a numb feeling, but it does feel empty v. the TON of work that it took - especially during the last year. Oh. My. I really FEEL like I'm missing something cathartic here. Thoughts? Janice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brenda in MA Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Couple that with the fact that my enthusiasm isn't as wide-eyed as it used to be. (I get a LOT of things now. Lots. And I'm not sure how I feel about everything I've learned.) Janice, This feeling -- I totally get it. I'm am really enjoying schooling the younger one in a lot of ways, but it does have a "been there, done that" kind of feeling, too. I find this pull to be done with the hsing day sometimes, more than I think I should. I think this is kinda just "me". I tend to go gung-ho on new things, but I get a bit bored with the 2nd, 3rd, etc. time through. I'm fighting that feeling though, most of the time. Rambling.... I guess I'm just suffering from a slump. Life is grand. Hsing have been a success. No question there. All is well. I just feel like there is a knotted "something" for me emotionally. Not sure. I think it has to do with how I thought I would feel at the end of this journey v. how I feel. For some reason, I thought I would feel this overwhelming sense of accomplishment. Everyone tells me I should. But I don't really. I'm proud. Proud in a maternal way. Proud of my ds. But the accomplishments are his. They feel like they are his. That's as it should be; that makes sense. But I don't feel much for me. I just don't feel like I've accomplished some big thing. Janice, A slump is justified, girlfriend! You're near the end of the first part of a marathon. I also get your feeling that you haven't accomplished "some big thing". Let me be the first to stand up and say, "Yes, Janice, you have accomplished a huge thing. You ought to be proud of your efforts and your son's accomplishments. You've steered and guided him well and done the work of countless professionals along the way. You've educated yourself when required and passed that knowledge on to him." The day of my son's graduation, I remember wondering if anyone else there could understand the huge effort I expended to educate the young man. My in-laws were the only ones who specifically took me aside and congratulated me for my efforts. In reflection, I guess that's how it should be. If the ideal of parenthood is to be selfless, then I shouldn't expect lavish praise for my efforts. I know, my son knows, my dh knows, and my God knows the efforts expended and I have to be happy with that. The other moms here also know. That's why this forum/support group has been so special over the years. We get the work involved. We get the fact that it's mostly behind the scenes. We lift each other up. So -- you done good, Janice! Did I miss all of the conversations where ya'll worked through this? I really don't think it's a attachment issue. Ds and I are close, but I am very excited to see him launch. I'm looking forward to watching him live the next phase of his life. I'll miss him - sure. But I think we'll always be close. I'm really not anxious about him leaving. I'm so psyched for him. Totally normal feelings, at least in my experience. What a wonderful feeling to see your young people grow their wings and fly. I think that inside we know that they need to leave the nest. Also -- I know I felt a bit of envy. Living by myself, learning all day long.... I know I was not so psyched about this when I went to college, but now that I'm older, I really get the joy of learning and wish sometimes to be unencumbered by the laundry, dishes, cleaning, and teaching (gasp!), and wish to be a student again. Ah, the youth... Why don't I feel like I've jumped the final hurdle? It's not a numb feeling, but it does feel empty v. the TON of work that it took - especially during the last year. Oh. My. I really FEEL like I'm missing something cathartic here. Thoughts? Janice Why don't you feel you've jumped the final hurdle? Because you haven't. I'm not just referring to the process of choosing a school and moving your ds in there. As my oldest has been away for a few years, I'm beginning to see that you never jump that last hurdle as a parent, at least while you're alive anyway. Life just ebbs and flows and changes into different phases, but once you're a parent, a part of you is always longing to see your children happy and successful in life. You're about to enter a new phase -- welcome to the club, you're in good company! Brenda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) Hi Janice, Right there with you! I have two juniors, one in college, one in high school. The high schooler may do most/all of next year at CC. So, really, am I almost finished? (Yeah, in more than one sense of the word...). The college dude is going to school locally, and I'm glad, I wasn't ready to say goodbye for long periods of time. But, I see it coming, his graduation, dd's high school graduation. I think what we are feeling is that our family life is never going to be the same. In one sense, it is as it is supposed to be. I tell my kids it wouldn't be right if they stayed little forever. But, I will really miss when we all curled up on the couch to read together, went to cool places together (while other kids were in school), etc. etc. Those are precious memories that I will cherish forever (but will deeply miss). So, a new chapter, a lot of unknowns, kind of like when we started homeschooling. It does help me to talk to others a little ahead of where I'm at, hearing stories of their adult kid's first jobs and the like. It helps me get a vision for what my future holds. Adding already, at ds high school graduation (a party at home) a friend of our family came up to me, tears running down her face, telling me what a wonderful job I did..... I haven't had many people do that, and who would have thought someone who I didn't even know approved of our homeschooling??? Edited March 15, 2011 by Susan C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nissi Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Brenda, your comment about parenting and selflessness brought tears to my eyes!! How true! Yet, we all need encouragement! Thank you Janice, Brenda, and Susan for sharing. You are very inspiring moms and role models! Thank you for what you do and for sharing on this board. Blessings, Nissi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janice in NJ Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 Thanks, Brenda. Nail on the head and all that! It REALLY helps to be understood by folks who have BTDT. Thanks! Janice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.