Anyone else NOT find Parenting with Love and Logic helpful?

[Catherine]

I finally got this out of the library after an umpteenth recommendation, and was very disappointed. My gripes:

 

It's a one-method approach: kid must handle ("take responsibility for") everything in his life. I'm a "helicopter parent" if I help him to solve problems. First, I HATE the term helicopter parent, and second, how is it being overinvolved if I help my 10 year old by meeting with a teacher about a bullying situation that has been going on for months?

 

My own experience flies in the face of much of what's in this book. I helped my eldest, now 17, plenty-while he was in school, but more, by removing him from school so that he could recover and be happy again. I suspect the book's authors would say I was stopping him from learning from his mistakes, but honestly, how can it be called a "mistake" if it's something the child has never been able to actually do? They say school failure is a learning experience. Okaaaay, I can see how it might be in some cases, but not in all. Chronic school failure ruined my brother's life and continues to impact him to this day. How is that positive? If it had been preventable, how can it be said he benefited from what he faced all those 13 years?

 

Finally, the book is based on the idea that a child must not be deprived of learning from their mistakes, but what about kids who do not seem able to do that? What about kids who are emotionally damaged and keep making the same mistake again, and have "shut off" caring?

 

Ok, tell me why I'm wrong about this book. I wanted to like it!

[Murmer]

I know that it has not worked for my dd at all. She has SPD along with who knows what else and honestly has no cause and effect so the idea of her learning through mistakes...well that never happened in the 6 months we did it consistently...so no it really does not work for everyone although it is a deal better than some of the other discipline books I have read.

[Kirch]

I like some of the ideas behind the suggestions--kids needing to fail *safely* in order to really learn from the consequences, giving kids choices, letting kids learn to be responsible by letting them make gradually more important decisions, dealing with discipline issues with as little drama/emotion as possible, etc.

 

But I disagreed with a lot of the examples--or at least I disagreed that handling that situation in that way would have worked or been appropriate for every child. I felt like a lot of the suggestions lacked compassion on the part of the parent, and I tend to be a "tough cookies" kind of mama. I strongly disagreed with the suggestions about how to handle it if your child is a bully--what if the other kid never complains or tells his parents?

 

There were several other things too that I thought had too much potential for life-changing consequences to just let it happen. And seriously--I've known *WAY* too many kids who didn't give a flip about whatever consequences the school might impose for failing or not doing homework or whatever. Sure, a kid who cares about not failing might learn from the consequence of failing a test she didn't study for, but what about the ones who *don't* care?

[melmichigan]

:bigear:

[laughing lioness]

That's Danny Silk, right? I thought it was a limited approach. The folks I know who really swear by it have kids who are very entitled.

[Denisemomof4]

I finally got this out of the library after an umpteenth recommendation, and was very disappointed. My gripes:

 

It's a one-method approach: kid must handle ("take responsibility for") everything in his life. I'm a "helicopter parent" if I help him to solve problems. First, I HATE the term helicopter parent, and second, how is it being overinvolved if I help my 10 year old by meeting with a teacher about a bullying situation that has been going on for months?

 

My own experience flies in the face of much of what's in this book. I helped my eldest, now 17, plenty-while he was in school, but more, by removing him from school so that he could recover and be happy again. I suspect the book's authors would say I was stopping him from learning from his mistakes, but honestly, how can it be called a "mistake" if it's something the child has never been able to actually do? They say school failure is a learning experience. Okaaaay, I can see how it might be in some cases, but not in all. Chronic school failure ruined my brother's life and continues to impact him to this day. How is that positive? If it had been preventable, how can it be said he benefited from what he faced all those 13 years?

 

Finally, the book is based on the idea that a child must not be deprived of learning from their mistakes, but what about kids who do not seem able to do that? What about kids who are emotionally damaged and keep making the same mistake again, and have "shut off" caring?

Ok, tell me why I'm wrong about this book. I wanted to like it!

 

this book is HIGHLY recommended in the adoption community. From the description you've written, I don't think it would have been helpful for my bio kids, but because of your description, especially the one in red, I think I need to place this on a Must Read list. My youngest is adopted and has HORRIBLE behavioral issues. I've been living the past 7 years of my life with her attached to my hip. I can't even go to the bathroom. In the past few weeks her behaviors have escalated and are dangerous. I've decided that what I'm doing MUST change and I ABSOLUTELY feel that she needs to be held accountable. She MUST be responsible for her own actions. I'm just not going to live the next 11 years with her at my side. So maybe this will be a good read for us.

 

The part in blue above is a toughie. My dd is extremely damaged and I don't know if she will ever reach a level of "normalcy," what ever that is. I no longer think my dd cares on ANY level and even more sad, I don't think she is even capable. BUT, I've read time and time and time again that because she's so damaged, learning consequences to her actions is one of the last things to come. I'm holding her seriously accountable. She is emotionally damaged, but if there's one thing I need to have her learn before she leaves (becoming attached to us is, in my mind, only a fantasy at this point) is how to make good choices. What happens when we make bad choices. On a daily basis I tell her that I hope she makes good choices so she can have a good day. When she makes a bad choice, I let her know that I hope she can make better choices tomorrow and a consequence is dealt.

 

So from what you've posted, it sounds like it would be a perfect fit for my troubled dd.