Perfectionist kids- do you have one?

[camibami]

Ay yi yi. We live in Virginia, and have to do testing each year. We have used the CAT test from Seton because it is quick, and we can get it over with.

 

Last year, at 5, ElastiGirl took the K test- really easy. This year, at 6, she's taking 1st grade, and there is a whole lot of reading on it. I was worried- she's an emerging reader, but also intrigued- I suspected she is a better reader than she lets on. I was right- she did beautifully, no problems, it looked to me like she got everything on the test correct. Until we got to the part where she had to read passages and answer- and she freaked out when she couldn't decipher ONE word.

 

Cried. Threw head down, pounded on table.

 

I finally just took the test, said we're done and am sending it off with those few blank, LOL. SO not worth it to stress out a 6 year old, you know?

 

But.

 

This kid is SUCH a perfectionist- with her handwriting, with her timed math drill, with spelling tests, with gymnastics, with making her bed. It started out sort of cool- my oldest is a hot mess with disasterous handwriting, no organization, and 50 things going on in her head at once. SO it seemed like a nice change.

 

But now I am starting to wonder, how do I deal with this? Obviously, just stopping the test was a one time thing- we were done with everything else, and it seemed right at the time. But, have I taught her to quit when things are tough? She will practice some bizarre and painful rhythmic gymnastics move for hours until she gets it, so she CAN persevere when things are tough, but..?

 

I have one I am constantly on to pay attention, and now one Ineed to relax. Good grief!

 

Any advice?

[Amy in Orlando]

My oldest and youngest son are like this. So am I, truth be told. It's a process. You have to let them see you make mistakes and put yourself in a new situation where you will most likely screw up (for me and my boys it was kayaking and rock climbing) but I tried it, I did it (albeit badly). After they've seen you flub up multiple times, they are usually much more willing to jump into things where they might fail. We started with physcial things first with both of these boys. We then transitioned to school stuff. My 15-yr-old is ready, willing and able to try new things, not freak out at test situations, etc. My 8-yr-old is getting the hang of it, slowly and surely (and his oldest brother is helping him along!).

 

Your dd is very young, you have a lot of time to work with her. You know she can do it and she will eventually apply her determination to other areas of her life. Give her some time and space and focus on doing things that are new to all of you as much as you can.

[klmama]

I've done a few things to deal with this.

 

1. As Amy suggested, I let my dc see me make mistakes and listen to my (preplanned) thought process. Also, I've learned to laugh at myself and to let them hear me. Usually they ask why I'm laughing and I can explain what I did wrong, say that it's not a big deal, and fix it. It does seem to help.

 

2. Remind them to use their words! Emotional outbursts don't solve problems. Encourage thinking through problems instead of just reacting.

 

3. Point out that other kids the same age make the same kinds of mistakes and have to learn from them, too. Sometimes our homeschooled perfectionists don't realize that everyone else struggles, too.

 

4. Praise effort over results. If they think we only value good results, they won't try for fear of failing. Along those lines, read Mindset : The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. It's very helpful.

 

FWIW, I think getting over that reading hurdle is the biggest one for perfectionists, and the 5-7 age span is the most difficult. After that they become more logical and are better able to reason their way through their stress.

[nmoira]

 

4. Praise effort over results. If they think we only value good results, they won't try for fear of failing. Along those lines, read Mindset : The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. It's very helpful.

This book made a huge difference with our family.

[lighthouseacademy]

My ds is like this too. Yesterday he was taking a reading comprehension quiz and he clicked the wrong answer even though he knew the right answer. He came UNGLUED and was so distraught that he failed every question after that because he couldn't comprehend the questions in his state of freaking out and shrieking. After he settled down, we discussed the purpose of the quiz- was it to get 100% or to learn what he knows? When he told me the purpose was to get 100% all the time, I drew on our white board 4965 x 365= and I told him, this is a test, solve this! He looked at the board and started laughing at me. I asked him why he was laughing at me. He told me I was silly because he didn't know how to do that yet (he just turned 6). I then returned to my original question about why we do the quizzes. He came to realize that it was to LEARN what we do and don't know and to put in our BEST EFFORT which may or may not mean 100%. Later he had another mishap and he freaked again. I reminded him of the multiplication problem and he smiled, and then I told him of the time that I turned on the blender FULL of berry smoothie on high without a lid! I illustrated to him that everyone makes mistakes. We do point out when we make a mistake all the time.

After those 2 conversations, when he did a different reading comprehension quiz, he failed it and he didn't come unglued. He came and told me. He was disappointed but he handled it much better. We talked about the book and he seemed to comprehend it very well so I wonder what the questions were that he got wrong!