Those of you who have problems with in-laws ...

[Guest CarolineUK]

... when it gets to the point that you decide on minimal or zero contact with them, while your spouse and children see them without you, how do you feel? If you feel bad, how do cope with those feelings?

 

I have known my in-laws for 14 years, 12 of which I have been their daughter-in-law. My own parents have passed away and I'd always hoped that I'd be close to my in-laws, but over the years I have found them only cold, controlling and critical, and they have hurt more times than I should have ever allowed. We have now got to the point where I really don't want to see them anymore, but they are my childrens' grandparents and DH's parents, and he is close to them, although it is a strange kind of closeness as he was sent away to school at 8 years old and they all treat each other very formally. DH is a wonderful man, a very good husband and father, and I love him enormously, but when we have difficult times, as all couples do, I have a strong, totally irrational desire to run away, which I know is somehow all mixed up with my problems with his parents. Rationally, I know I should just be adult about it, accept my decision to cut them out of my life, and live with it, but inside I feel hurt and vulnerable.

 

Has anyone else had this kind of experience? These kind of emotions? If so, can you give me any advice, any new kind of perspective that might help?

[scubamama]

I have an extremely difficult MIL. However, my dh doesn't want to keep up the relationship with her, so it's fallen to me. I tried years of being patient and trying to "be there" but it only got worse and worse. She is manipulative and abusive and only 1 out of 7 of her step kids will speak to her. After the last visit I finally felt as much peace as I was able to about not continuing contact.

I wrestle with feelings of guilt and uncertainty about this. After much prayer I just had to call it quits. It's not that God told me to cut her out, it's that we couldn't handle the fall out left behind from her.

I didn't make any formal announcement to her - when she left here she knew I was mad. I just told dh that I would no longer call her, answer her calls or maintain a visit schedule. She lives on the east coast and we're in CA.

If you're wondering what "pushed me over the ledge" it was her continued "just voicing her convictions". She is adamant we should have aborted our now 3 yo dd, b/c 3 is just too many kids. She said it in front of all the kids and it really upset them....how I handled that is another story.

So, maybe a long talk is a good idea with your dh about what you can agree on with the IL's

I hope someone else has more thoughts for you.

Keep your chin up!

 

:grouphug:

Michele

[jld]

I would advise you to keep a cold head and not get distracted by your feelings. 14 years is long enough to know what kind of people they are. They are unlikely to change.

 

Why not let dh and the kids have whatever kind of relationship they want with those people? That way, you're all free to choose the type of relationship, depth, all that, with dh's family. For you, it's no relationship. :)

 

Don't give in to feelings of guilt, Caroline. It's unlikely any of this is your fault. They are probably just difficult people, and would have been a handful for any dil.

 

Also, I would encourage you to be completely open and honest about this with your dh, and be clear that you need his 100% support. At some point a man needs to make a choice between his parents and his wife, and his wife always needs to be the winner. He should not tolerate any unkindness from them towards you at all, even if it's just words in passing. He can be clear that he loves them and appreciates them, but that you, not they, are his future, and he expects them to honor you even in your absence. Anything less is immature and a lack of loyalty on his part. You deserve the very best from him. :)

[patchfire]

Also, I would encourage you to be completely open and honest about this with your dh, and be clear that you need his 100% support. At some point a man needs to make a choice between his parents and his wife, and his wife always needs to be the winner. He should not tolerate any unkindness from them towards you at all, even if it's just words in passing. He can be clear that he loves them and appreciates them, but that you, not they, are his future, and he expects them to honor you even in your absence. Anything less is immature and a lack of loyalty on his part. You deserve the very best from him. :)

 

:iagree:

 

It is SO hard to make that decision. Ultimately, I made it for myself and for my kids, because they were no more kind to them. I honestly feel like FIL & stepMIL are toxic even for dh, but he's a grown-up, so he has to make his own decisions. So, my situation is a bit different in that the kids don't see them, either. (In fact, dd2 has never met them, and ds has not met them since before he was two & doesn't remember meeting them.) As I tell dh, if he'd like to see them or visit, that's fine, but not to expect our participation. It isn't often that he sees them, and we try to keep ourselves busy while he does.

[bluemongoose]

I totally understand how this feels. The first 6 years of our marriage were like what you describe. 1 year ago DH actually decided he had had enough with his family's behavior and cut the ties himself. He didnt want his damaging mother to further damage his life by wrecking his marriage and hurting his children. We have not spoken or seen them in a year, and other then a twinge of guilt at times (FIL is a good guy, miss him), it has been a most peaceful year!

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[elfgivas]

hi caroline -

 

can you say a bit more? are you hurt and vunerable about how they treat you, or at the thought of your children and husband seeing them without you, or by thinking you ought to be able to handle them or ???

 

my hunch is that your dh manages with them because they are so formal with one another. a closer relationship might well lead him to where you are now.

 

reading scott peck's "people of the lie" might help, at least the first half of it (it talks about toxic people in an accessible way).

 

so, ideas:

send them cards "x" times a year for holidays, etc.

think of things you absolutely love to do that your family isn't so keen on, and do those things while they are visiting with his folks.

eat foods that you love that they don't.

tea, chocolate and a good book are some of my favourite things.

take a nice long walk (with dog?) at your pace, not children's pace

go to the theatre.

 

if you can, maybe you can see it not as you choosing to not have contact with them, but as them choosing to behave in a way that makes contact unhealthy and you are choosing health. ie. if they were lovely, you would be seeing them.

 

how are they with your children? and about you when you aren't present? it is pretty important that your husband stand up for you with them consistently and constantly. if calling them to account a few times doesn't help, then a simple "okay kids, time to go" might do it.

 

hth,

ann

[treestarfae]

People only have the power you give them.

[Guest CarolineUK]

Thank you so much for all your replies, they have been very reassuring. jld you seem to have seen right to the heart of my sadness, thank you for your kind words.

 

Quoted by Shari "I would never ask my dh to choose between me and his parents. I don't think that's fair."

 

I agree, completely, my feelings are more of my being disloyal to him not getting on with people he loves and who are important to him, especially as, maybe inevitably, he has seen a lot less of them since I can no longer face seeing them.

 

My other, rather irrational fear, is related to the fact that when my brother-in-law (DH's brother) had problems with his marriage mil told him to 'get rid' of my sister-in-law (brother-in-law was actually having an affair, but mil just told sil to make herself look pretty and be a door-mat if she wanted to keep him). Bil and sil are now divorced and their three young daughters have been terribly hurt. I'm very sure DH would never do something like this, but it is scary.

[treestarfae]

My other, rather irrational fear, is related to the fact that when my brother-in-law (DH's brother) had problems with his marriage mil told him to 'get rid' of my sister-in-law (brother-in-law was actually having an affair, but mil just told sil to make herself look pretty and be a door-mat if she wanted to keep him). Bil and sil are now divorced and their three young daughters have been terribly hurt. I'm very sure DH would never do something like this, but it is scary.

This sounds like my inlaws. After 9 years of issues with negative inlaws my husband has decided to ignore them. I wouldn't trust people like that to make an impression on my kids. I would be right there to correct any negativity from the MIL. She sounds like she enables abusive men.

[kwickimom]

I totally cut out my in-laws and I feel GREAT. The day I let them loose was totally freeing for me. My kids are only allowed to go if my DH is also there and they do not stay for long. Any talk about me or HS'ing or any other crap and they go.

 

I have an awesome family and my parents are still alive though, so I can only imagine your sadness. I dont need anyone because I have my family. MANY times int he past I have just wanted to up and leave (they live next door and my family lives 5 hours away) I had to refrain myself from packing up the kids and leaving. (actually was fully packed 2 times)

 

Since I cut them out I dont get that urgency to just leave. I want to leave but I dont get the panic to. It has been one of the best decisions of my life. You cannot afford to bring yourself down due to toxic people. Let them go and focus your attention on your own family. :grouphug:

 

ETA: they have told my DH to leave me, they have said I am a horrible mother, they try and make him think I am bad (if they find out I am going to visit my mom they drill into DH about how I do nothing around the house and how I am wasting HIS money), they have made remarks about my weight, they threatened to call DCFS because I made my DD go to bed without dinner..........So I am with you on the irrational fear of them trying to turn DH against you or telling him to leave you.....you just have to trust in your DH. My DH never says a word to them about it all and that does upset me a lot, but I have faith that he will one day see how they are. There is nothing I can do about it.

Edited September 29, 2010 by kwickimom

[Guest CarolineUK]

Ann, I don't know how I missed your post before my last reply, I think I must have taken too long to type my post, anyway I've just read your wonderful ideas and I love them, they're just what I needed, thank you. I'll come back and read this thread whenever I'm feeling shaky. :)