Help! What would you do??

[Dooley]

My daughter is bulimic. She started out the year doing very well academically. A few months in, I "turned the reins" over to her, as she wanted to run her own schedule and wanted to finish this year early. Up until then, she was doing great. I took my hands off her and trusted her....as time went by, I had to remove her from 2 out of 3 co-op classes because she could not keep up with the work, I dropped the Shakespeare class we were doing at home...and here it is, mid June and she still has yet to finish World History (there is maybe 6 more chapters), a study on Dante (a survey, not reading all the works) and Algebra II (WAY behind).

 

I know she is ridden with guilt, is allowing the eating disorder to take over when she is stressed, but this needs culmination!

 

I have hesitated to give her what she has earned, she would probably get an F or D in Algebra, D in English and like a C in history. I have tried to be merciful, given what she is dealing with (like, do I let her take as long as she needs to finish? That is not a real world scenario, and I usually have the kids adhere to a schedule, like one would have to anywhere else)

 

Should I giver her the summer to get as far as she can/will? Or, just drop the axe and give her what she has earned so far?

 

What would you do?? Keeping in mind this will be on her transcript for all to see in any future scholastic endeavor! That bothers me. Maybe it bothers me more than her.....you see my dilemma....

[MelanieM]

Well, extensions happen all the time in the real world. In fact, my husband and I often laugh at how no project in his office ever seems to complete on time because of all the external factors that require extensions and shiftting targets. So sure, why not give her the summer to finish up? Just consider her a year-round schooler for now.

 

Sending you lots of love and light... I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you all to deal with her eating disorder, and hope she finds some emotional and physical relief from that pain.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I would seriously consider adding an additional year to her educational plans and giving her extra time to get caught up. My niece is a bulimic and the public school system has bent over backwards to accommodate her treatments and her illness. They have added at least a year to her education.

[Faithr]

My son, who doesn't have eating disorders was a mess this year! He just had no motivation at all in the fall and then he had to have surgery in the winter. He'll be doing 9th grade through the summer and probably the first part of September (at least for a couple of subjects) but I don't think it matters all that much. It sounds like your daughter was very emotionally vulnerable and has issues with stress or something, whatever it is that leads her to act out with bulimia. I would be gentle and encouraging and try to help her get through this thing. To punish her would just add to the turmoil, I would think. Lots and lots of teens go through difficult times. I don't think it is necessary to add to the conflict by getting all institutional schooling on her and lowering the boom grade-wise. That sounds so discouraging. Instead I'd rejoice in the fact that as a homeschooler you can be flexible and accommodate those difficult times.

[Teachin'Mine]

I would let her keep going through the summer and even into the beginning of the next "school year" if need be. It's important that she finish - especially the math, before advancing. Help her to come up with a realistic schedule for completing the work and do daily checks on how she's doing. She needs your help and support and to get better self esteem. Getting low grades for having fallen behind won't help. Also, build in some rewards - a fun day out shopping together or something like that - for when she completes a subject or a major project. She needs some fun and time off during the summer too. :)

[DebbS]

I think the academics are the least of the problem. First thing I'd do is step back from putting on pressure and work on the root of the eating disorder. Franky, your daughter's mental and physical health is the priority. And she needs help through that right now, in the present. Another thing I'd advise is to keep an open mind. She may see a different path for herself than you do. School work can slow down or even halt until this larger issue is resolved.

[Dooley]

Thank you - this has been such a quandary for me...grace and more grace...or "all institutional" (that made me smile!). Feedback from you guys really helps.

[Tiramisu]

I just wanted to let you know that I've heard of two cases of homeschoolers who are enrolled in accredited programs that have received permission to extend one year's worth of work (one grade level) into two years for reasons not as serious as yours. I would consider extending her year while coming up with a manageable plan to cover what you need to. At the same time, I think you both probably need a little vacation to recharge your batteries so I wouldn't just keep going without taking a break.

[jld]

I think the academics are the least of the problem. First thing I'd do is step back from putting on pressure and work on the root of the eating disorder. Franky, your daughter's mental and physical health is the priority. And she needs help through that right now, in the present. Another thing I'd advise is to keep an open mind. She may see a different path for herself than you do. School work can slow down or even halt until this larger issue is resolved.

 

:iagree:

[Caryl]

:iagree: as well.

 

Also :grouphug:!

 

 

FEAST-ed (Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders) is an amazing resource,

 

as well as their forum

"Around the Dinner Table"

[Dooley]

I will check out FEAST-ed.

 

I have felt very burdened and alone in this thing - question marks everywhere - and peace on any front is very helpful. She will get more time to finish.

 

I have problems with my head/neck/jaw which can go crazy with stress (degenerative jaw disease - blew out my jaw at Christmas) so I have to be careful of stress. I am trying to find how to balance all this and not kill myself or her. I imagine we both will have quite a testimony when 10 years down the road. Right now, most of what I/we are doing has a big question mark after it.

[emubird]

My niece had similar problems while in public school. The priority was put on solving her problems with eating, not with her school work. She did do some school work, but it was probably more to retain normalcy in her life than anything else.

 

She's now a successful lawyer.

 

Your daughter can pick up the end of world history some other time. If she's suffering with an illness now, that should be the priority.

 

FWIW, my niece was in a boarding treatment program. I don't know if that would be an option for your daughter, or if she'd even benefit from that. Are you getting any help with this or trying to deal with it on your own?

 

I know it's so easy to fall into thinking that our kids are manipulating the situation so as to get out of doing any work -- I know I've been there. And then I do dumb things that are of no help whatsoever. I'm hoping you can find the space to think so you can figure out the best way to help your daughter heal.

 

:grouphug:

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

My oldest dd had some serious health problems this year. I mainly assigned reading only in English, History, and Science. She also watched related movies and documentaries. I assigned a few papers and quizzes so I would have something to grade. ( I have to turn in grades!) For the Algebra 2.... we just got as far as she could go and her earned grade was a C. I had someone advise me that with the math it was more important to cover the lessons WELL than to rush through as many lessons as possible. I also let her drop subjects after she covered roughly 75% of each book.

 

She is MUCH better now and has gone back and picked up some school books on her own because she is really interested in learning. BTW>>>> she graduated, so it is entirely because of INTEREST only! I think if I would have pushed harder that she would have been too discouraged to even be interested!

 

So, I'd.....

1. take a good break. It is summer. Take 4 to 6 weeks off. Maybe let her pick a novel to read during the break.

 

2. If she's finished 75% of the history and Dante study, call it done! If her 'earned' grade is a D or F then both of you decide on some easy assignments to bring it up to a C. A few "C's " never ruined anyone!

 

3. What are your goals for math? If she's going on to a higher math then take the time to finish it well. Even if it takes 2 years. One of mine took 2 years to do Algebra 1. If she is not going on to a higher math and she's done a good portion of the lessons, then I'd just average her grades.

 

In my opinion, when a child is seriously ill the added pressure of school is completely overwhelming. Talk with your dd and decide together how to best cover the material easily until she is better.

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

[Dooley]

emubird - we are trying to get her to commit to Mercy Ministries - a 6 month program in Nashville. She just doesnt want anything to take that long and thinks that if she keeps busy she can overcome. I think she needs help, but I can not have her "committed" to rehab. I just sent her off for 5 days at our church youth camp. Will try and keep her busy - it seems to help. She also attends an EA group.

 

Pam - our goals for math? To just finish Algebra II! She will not be doing anything mathematical for her career. She actually wants to either go to Culinary School (I dont think THAT is a good idea), or get into an art field.

 

Good advice all.