Is homeschooling hard on a marriage?

[Peela]

I think kids are hard on marriage, period.

 

:iagree: Especially for the husband, though.

I agree no blanket statements are possible regarding whether homeschooling is generally hard on the marriage. With a supportive dh, I think it can be great for the whoel fanily. My dh and I were living separately when I started homeschooling. We got back together because of homeschooling- he really wanted to support me so I didnt have to work and begged me to come back- so its been good for our marriage.

A woman obsessed with her kids and giving little time to her husband, is hard on a marriage. I've been guilty of obsessiveness with homeschooling- spending all my spare time researching it instead os spending more quality time with my dh. Fortunately, dh is a tough nut and handled it ok.

A man who demands his wife meet his needs before her own and her kids' needs, is hard on a marriage. Marriage is hard full stop, at times! Expectations, levels of maturity, flexibility, patience...so many variables possible.

[angela in ohio]

I was having this conversation with a friend this past week, as there are several homeschooling friends that are contemplating putting kids in school ultimately due to feeling unhappy with the marriage dynamics, and lack of fulfillment/ appreciation for the mother. Another friend at park day a few months ago made the comment that 'it is easy for the homeschooling parent to feel taken advantage of'.

 

I have had the very frank conversation with dh that any appreciation I am going to get in life is going to have to come from him, so he has to overdo it to compensate. He gets appreciation and admiration at work, satisfaction from a job well done, my gratitude for bringing home a paycheck, etc.

 

I don't have any of that. I have the gratitude of my dc, but they are young and don't always show that consistently, even if I know it is there. I have an extended family who thinks I should get a job. :001_smile: I have a society that says I am a bum and failing womankind. :D (Even other Christian homeschool mothers I know judge because they manage to have part-time jobs as nurses or such.) So dh knows that it is all on him to bring me back up.

 

Also, isn't one of the biggest sources of stress in a marriage money? HSing often means less of an income, which could increase stress.

[RamonaQ]

:iagree: Well said! And I think if both people are doing their best for each other and the kids, and convinced of their spouse's good intentions, any scenario will be more or less doable. And if one or both people don't feel loved/respected or are putting their own needs first, nothing will be doable.

 

:iagree:

 

I think this is ultimately the crux of these marriage struggles that I have heard pinned to homeschooling, I think that there has been a loss of respect.

[Mama Lynx]

Homeschooling has strengthened our marriage, I believe. It has certainly strengthened our family life in general. My husband is very supportive and appreciative of what I do, and he is interested and involved.

[Jenny in GA]

I guess I see a lot of that as my job because I'm home all day...even if I'm busy part of the time with homeschooling, it's not the same as being gone 8-5. There's a lot that can't be done after business hours.

 

If someone truly was being taken advantage of (or thought they were being taken advantage of), I can see how that would be hard on the marriage. But I also can't see being the one at home and insisting on dividing the housework equally...maybe that's not what you're saying, though? When DH is at home, I want him to spend the bulk of his time with the kids and me--which sometimes means cleaning together, but it also means that I do more around here without feeling put upon.

 

I don't suspect the person meant that housework should be equal.

 

I imagine what she meant was the idea of the husband thinking or saying, "you don't really do anything" and/or just being rude -- leaving dirty dishes lying around, tossing dirty socks on the floor, announcing that you're going out with friends every evening without even asking if that's okay, etc.

 

I could totally see that being a possibility.

[AHASRADA]

I agree with so many that respect for each partner's role is the key to whether or not homeschooling strengthens or harms a marriage. If one partner thinks the other is a "parasite" for not working, or does not value or even agree with homeschooling, that would be stressful. If mom intended to work and suddenly finds herself at home all day, her self-esteem/fulfillment could take a hit (especially if accompanied by the above).

 

I constantly have to remind dh that whether or not I resent everything I do around the house, or errands for him, etc. primarily depends on his attitude. If I get an occasional "Thanks", or if requests are preceeded by "If you have time...", it is truly a pleasure to do what I do for my family. If I feel my contribution is being ignored or belittled, that is a major stressor.

 

Thankfully, no one in my family or my circle has ever had the assumption that moms should work. Many do once their kids are in school, but usually part-time as a self-fullfillment thing, and to have some pocket money and maybe contribute a bit to the finances, but this is never expected (None of us are rich; some are barely making it, but it is a question of family values). Most of our friends and family members are extremely respectful (translated humbled and in awe) of our homeschooling, and dh is very proud that I don't have to work. I can see conflicting social-circle dynamics coming into play as stressors as well.

 

I guess this is another reason to ensure couples are "on the same page", have the same expectations and values for their future family life, before starting the family (to the extent possible).