OK - Let me have it! (my 9th grader's essay on The Iliad)

[Rhondabee]

I know there are some mechanics errors in here (and the copy & paste messed up some of the format) - but this is the first essay that my DS has written (almost) completely on his own! (He told me his theme, and needed a 3rd character from the story, and I suggested Agamemnon.)

 

So...what I'm looking for is what you would work on next. He just turned this in, and I want to give him encouragement and just one idea to help the next paper. I think we need to work on strengthening the concluding paragraph - but I'm not even sure *how*.

 

Thanks! here it is....

 

 

No More Heroes

 

Death, a word feared by the many. Death, a power no man can escape. Death, a great mystery man may never know. But, there are things more powerful than the shrouded mystery of death. Though death was terrifying even to the Greeks, shame was far worse. Many heroes of Greek mythology give up sound strategies for suicidal glory. Though facing death may sound like a heroic deed, for Greek heroes it may just be an escape to fame for cowards.

 

The easiest of "brave" men to hate are probably rich and greedy kings. Agamemnon is a perfect candidate. Achilles seems to put it best when he states, " I do all the fighting and you got the lion's share." Glorying in his kingship, Agamemnon can refer to his birthright in case anyone doubts his courage or strength. Unsurprisingly though, Agamemnon is rarely seen on the field of battle. This Greek "hero" blames any and all flaws on the gods.

 

Though correct in his assessment of Agamemnon, Achilles is just as despicable. Son of an immortal goddess, Achilles is so godlike that he seems to lack human emotion. He sacrifices droves of acheans for his own selfish glory. The fact that he's superhuman makes him all the more cowardly. Achilles has nothing to fear! He even knows whether he'll die or not. In the face of these facts, Achilles cannot be brave. When Achilles chooses his own death, it is simply his choice of shame or glory. And pride threw him to glory.

 

Perhaps Greece's chances for a true hero is seen in Hector. He has no immortal goddess for a mother, like Achilles. He takes responsibility, unlike Agamemnon. He uses his responsibility to protect his family and through his birthright, protects his city. However, even "heroes" make mistakes. During the Trojan war, Hector ignores a sound retreat from a lieutenant. Many Trojans died that day. "Atoning" for his shame, Hector stands proud in front of Troy's gates to brave against Achilles. Here is where Hector falls short. He could've gone inside the city and fought another day, had he been able to bear the taunts of his comrades. His wife wouldn't be a widow, and his son wouldn't be fatherless. He left them for his own, selfish, glory.

 

Shocking, how the most respected ancient nation cannot produce a hero. Agamemnon was greedy and irresponsible. Achilles was uncaring and proud. Hector, too, was proud, and it was this pride that killed him. There are no more heroes in ancient Greece.

[Carol in Cal.]

I know there are some mechanics errors in here (and the copy & paste messed up some of the format) - but this is the first essay that my DS has written (almost) completely on his own! (He told me his theme, and needed a 3rd character from the story, and I suggested Agamemnon.)

 

So...what I'm looking for is what you would work on next. He just turned this in, and I want to give him encouragement and just one idea to help the next paper. I think we need to work on strengthening the concluding paragraph - but I'm not even sure *how*.

 

Thanks! here it is....

 

 

No More Heroes

 

Death, a word feared by the many. Death, a power no man can escape. Death, a great mystery man may never know. But, there are things more powerful than the shrouded mystery of death. Though death was terrifying even to the Greeks, shame was far worse. Many heroes of Greek mythology give up sound strategies for suicidal glory. Though facing death may sound like a heroic deed, for Greek heroes it may just be an escape to fame for cowards.

 

The easiest of "brave" men to hate are probably rich and greedy kings. Agamemnon is a perfect candidate. Achilles seems to put it best when he states, " I do all the fighting and you got the lion's share." Glorying in his kingship, Agamemnon can refer to his birthright in case anyone doubts his courage or strength. Unsurprisingly though, Agamemnon is rarely seen on the field of battle. This Greek "hero" blames any and all flaws on the gods.

 

Though correct in his assessment of Agamemnon, Achilles is just as despicable. Son of an immortal goddess, Achilles is so godlike that he seems to lack human emotion. He sacrifices droves of acheans for his own selfish glory. The fact that he's superhuman makes him all the more cowardly. Achilles has nothing to fear! He even knows whether he'll die or not. In the face of these facts, Achilles cannot be brave. When Achilles chooses his own death, it is simply his choice of shame or glory. And pride threw him to glory.

 

Perhaps Greece's chances for a true hero is seen in Hector. He has no immortal goddess for a mother, like Achilles. He takes responsibility, unlike Agamemnon. He uses his responsibility to protect his family and through his birthright, protects his city. However, even "heroes" make mistakes. During the Trojan war, Hector ignores a sound retreat from a lieutenant. Many Trojans died that day. "Atoning" for his shame, Hector stands proud in front of Troy's gates to brave against Achilles. Here is where Hector falls short. He could've gone inside the city and fought another day, had he been able to bear the taunts of his comrades. His wife wouldn't be a widow, and his son wouldn't be fatherless. He left them for his own, selfish, glory.

 

Shocking, how the most respected ancient nation cannot produce a hero. Agamemnon was greedy and irresponsible. Achilles was uncaring and proud. Hector, too, was proud, and it was this pride that killed him. There are no more heroes in ancient Greece.

 

Instead I'm going to say that I like the way your son has his own writing voice, and his essay intrigued me enough that I would have to work really hard to make myself critique it. I would rather debate his premises and conclusions with him. It's a very engaging thesis and argument, and I enjoyed it tremendously.

 

It's not perfectly written, but it has some very strong points.

[Rhondabee]

Instead I'm going to say that I like the way your son has his own writing voice, and his essay intrigued me enough that I would have to work really hard to make myself critique it. I would rather debate his premises and conclusions with him. It's a very engaging thesis and argument, and I enjoyed it tremendously.

 

It's not perfectly written, but it has some very strong points.

 

How would you go about "debating his premises and conclusions"?

 

(I am having a real brain-blip here.)

 

FYI, if it helps....He did have to tell me his thesis and supporting point before writing the paper (the 2nd time - LOL!). I guess that's where I should really do the debating.

[rose_king]

Instead I'm going to say that I like the way your son has his own writing voice, and his essay intrigued me enough that I would have to work really hard to make myself critique it. I would rather debate his premises and conclusions with him. It's a very engaging thesis and argument, and I enjoyed it tremendously.

 

It's not perfectly written, but it has some very strong points.

 

:iagree: Please tell him I enjoyed it.:001_smile:

[Carol in Cal.]

How would you go about "debating his premises and conclusions"?

 

(I am having a real brain-blip here.)

 

FYI, if it helps....He did have to tell me his thesis and supporting point before writing the paper (the 2nd time - LOL!). I guess that's where I should really do the debating.

 

But I think I would start with, wow, what is your working definition of a hero? Most think of the men that you mentioned as 'Greek heroes'. They are larger than life (the divine ancestry helps in some cases!) and more physically powerful than anyone around. What makes a hero a hero? Is it that he can figure out how to win? Is it that he is strong and powerful? Is it that something about him makes others love and/or follow him? Is it that he has powerful connections (like a goddess for a mother)? Is it that he cooperates with the fates and submits to the gods? Is it that he has good and noble character, and how is that defined?

 

But, you know, my point was really that the paper engaged me enough that I wanted to talk with the person who wrote it. It made me consider, it made me think. It made me want to discuss the book with him. It made me want to read what other scholars have written about these characters. That's pretty cool writing!

Edited February 23, 2010 by Carol in Cal.

[Michelle in AL]

I think it is fabulous, especially for a first essay! (I need a clapping icon here).

 

I would point out to him what are the best points of the essay. I love the intro with the repetition of the words death and man (there's a rhetorical device term for this but it escapes me at the moment). When I teach, I tell my students that rhetorical devices are what authors use to paint their essays with. They put color, emphasis and life into it, just as your son's does.

 

Grouping things into 3's, just like in decorating, is also appealing in writing. He does this with 3 repetitions of "death" in the intro and also by choosing 3 heroes.

 

I would point out that he used quotes from the story quite well also.

 

The only improvement I can see that although the intro is very eloquently written, I'm not sure it ties into the theme of the essay completely. I think the emphasis of the intro should be on qualities of a hero rather than death.

 

Very well done!

[Carmen_and_Company]

I gree with the others. Your son wrote an engaging essay. I loved the repeated words for emphasis/rhythm in the introductory paragrah.

 

Praise your ds on the eloquence of his personal voice, sentence variation, and etc.

 

In order to tie his essay to his thesis, have him write the three main points from his thesis down and show how each paragraph supports the thesis. Many students find it easier to write the body of their essay, then write the introductory and concluding paragraphs last.

[Rhondabee]

Thank you, guys, for your feedback. I just couldn't think of anything concrete to say...

 

LOL! The opening was from his original "essay" (cough, cough, sputter, sputter!!!) which was vague and rambling, and had indentations which had nothing to do with topic sentences. But the opening was just so cool, he couldn't ditch that.

 

(And, for the record, it's not his first essay - just the first that I didn't hold his hand through the process. It is very different reading just the finished product vs. reading an essay we wrestled through together. I don't normally critique those afterwards - just guide as we go.)