How much entitlement do you feel in relation to your adult children?

[Night Elf]

I do worry about her expectations as she gets older though because she has a lot of debt and has such poor spending habits. I don't want to absorb that - we can't absorb that, and neither can my 2 sisters. But the fear is still there.

 

Oh my yes! My mom defends her debt saying she is old and doesn't know how much longer she'll live so she can do anything she wants to do. She's also told me that she expects to move in with me when her husband dies and take care of her because she won't be able to afford living on her own. Nope, nope, and nope. I view that as enabling and I won't have that type of negative influence in my home. Even now, I don't let my children stay the night with my mom. I simply cannot trust her to act in their best interest. She is very self-centered and very proud to be so. I'm not sure where she got those ideas. Her mom is nothing like that. My grandfather passed away when I was 13, but my grandmother is still alive. She too is afraid my mom will want to move in with her. My mom is a very strange bird actually.

[momtoboys]

I hope I have no "strings" attached to my relationship with my adult children. I agree w/ the "leaving and cleaving" principle of Scripture. I also thing young adults need space to grow into the people they are meant to be.

 

IMO, having "expectations" in a relationship like this actually pushes people away.

 

Relationship should be based on people *ENJOYING* spending time w/ each other, not because they feel bad/guilty if they don't.

 

I haven't read all the responses. I do hope my kids take care of me in my old age, but that's not a requirement.

[Impish]

I hope I have no "strings" attached to my relationship with my adult children. I agree w/ the "leaving and cleaving" principle of Scripture. I also thing young adults need space to grow into the people they are meant to be.

 

IMO, having "expectations" in a relationship like this actually pushes people away.

 

Relationship should be based on people *ENJOYING* spending time w/ each other, not because they feel bad/guilty if they don't.

 

I haven't read all the responses. I do hope my kids take care of me in my old age, but that's not a requirement.

:iagree:

My relationship w/my mom isn't close nor healthy. She betrayed me twice. The first time was both allowing her dh to beat the crud out of me, and lying in criminal court to protect him when he was finally charged w/assault in the 1st degree. I was in foster care at 15, which led to me being sexually assaulted, then in an abusive relationship directly from there. The 2nd betrayal was far worse. No, I won't care for her in any way, shape, or form. Now, being disabled gives me an 'easy out', because I couldn't physically manage to care for an elderly parent, but it was a decision made long ago.

 

As for MIL, we won't be caring for her either. That comes down to my disability again, and that my dh can't stand to be around her for more than a cpl of hours.

 

We both firmly believe that both our mothers have NPD, based on their behaviour and actions.

 

Simply having the title of 'mother' or 'father' shouldn't mean indebtedness by adult children, nor should children be a retirement plan (MIL has admitted that was part of her reason for adopting dh). It should be dependent on the relationship.

[jld]

Thank you, ladies, for your replies. There really seems to be a continuum concerning feelings of entitlement of parents towards their adult children. You have given me a lot to think about, as I sit here in India, comparing family relationships here to ones I am familiar with in America.

 

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts on this subject!