Need to vent about my MIL *not* visiting

[*LC]

I just need to vent about something, and I don't have anyone IRL to tell.

 

Just a bit of background, my in-laws were never big travellers. We've always had to go to them more than they come to us. My MIL doesn't drive long distances, so it fell to my SIL and BIL, who have no kids, to bring her to visit us. When we moved nearly a year ago, I knew my MIL would probably never come see us in the new house. We now live in an area that she doesn't like. I took the kids to visit at spring break and for a summer visit. Both trips were short, but it was the best I could do. (My husband is deceased, so my MIL, SIL, and BIL are the only relatives my kids have on his side. Whole 'nother issue that isn't relevant to this vent.)

 

In October, my SIL e-mailed that she would like to bring Mom for a visit before Thanksgiving to see the new house. While I didn't think it would happen, I was cheerful and positive. I never heard back. Then, around Thanksgiving, SIL said Mom had had her colonoscopy and was ready to visit. She asked if Dec. 11-12 would work. I said great. She said she would let me know the time closer to the visit. I hadn't heard anything, and I thought, "Wow, this may actually happen." My kids are normally in co-op one day a week, so I did our regular school work that day in order to take today to do a major cleaning.

 

We were in the middle of that when my SIL called at noon to say Mom is sick and they are coming. I knew this would happen. I allowed one son to say he could go to all-afternoon/night party tomorrow, even though that meant he wouldn't be here when his grandmother was here. (If she had come, I would have brought him to the party late.) I didn't even tell the kids they were coming. In fact, when they were complaining about all the chores I gave them today, my son, "Why do we need to clean? No one is coming."

 

I accept that she probably will never come see us. However, I can't stand wasting my time getting ready for a visit that I knew was never going to happen. (Of course, the house needed a good clean anyway.)

 

Thanks for listening. I'm back to mopping.

 

P.S. She is like this on phone calls also. We have to do all the calling. Her birthday and my son's birthday are two days apart. When we talked to her on her birthday, she said, "I hope he enjoys his present I sent." I said, "I know he will be thrilled. (It was a book he had been wanting.) He will want to tell you all about when you call on his birthday." She said, "I wished him happy birthday today, so I won't call Sunday." Money isn't a problem for her, so that wasn't the reason.

 

Okay, okay, I need to finish mopping.

[Happy]

I hate that she made the decision not to visit...if she is sick, then I hope she is better soon...but I know you are disappointed. Could you be frank and say how much it would mean to you and your dc to have her visit?

 

No one from dh's side of the family ever saw my two sons play varsity sports...heck, they never saw them play at all. Now that those days are behind us, I regret NOT speaking up and trying harder. We did try, but...well, it didn't work out, so it probably wouldn't have ever. I'm just reflecting on the recent past a bit too much. My mom and dad are both gone so it would have been nice if some family somewhere could have been in the bleachers to cheer for my kids.

 

All that to say I understand your frustrations and that empty feeling you get in these kinds of situations.

[*LC]

I hate that she made the decision not to visit...if she is sick, then I hope she is better soon...but I know you are disappointed. Could you be frank and say how much it would mean to you and your dc to have her visit?

 

No one from dh's side of the family ever saw my two sons play varsity sports...heck, they never saw them play at all. Now that those days are behind us, I regret NOT speaking up and trying harder. We did try, but...well, it didn't work out, so it probably wouldn't have ever. I'm just reflecting on the recent past a bit too much.

 

She has a bad sore throat and feels awful. They don't want to give us anything. I assured them we probably have had it. We are going to send her a get well card, and I'll write how much we would love for her to visit.

 

Truthfully, I'm not disappointed, because I "knew" it wasn't going to happen. The reason I didn't tell my kids about the visit was I didn't want them to be disappointed. I am the one that would have had to deal with them being disappointed, and I didn't want to go there.

 

I don't think being frank would help. Last year, I was taking the kids on a trip to a place where MIL had been with us in the past. I told her about the trip, and I said we would love her to come along. She literally didn't say anything in response. I just stood there in unconfortable silence. I tried again a few days later with the same result. Sometime later she sent me an e-mail saying she wouldn't to make sure that I knew she wasn't going on the trip with us with a list of the health reasons she couldn't go on the trip.

 

So, relieve yourself of any guilt. Being frank your in-laws wouldn't have had them attend the games, it would have just frustrated you more.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I now have a clean house, which is good.

[tdeveson]

Sometimes, members of the family are just simply not that interested in sharing time with others. It's always awful when it's the grandparents, but from what you write it sounds like she's just not into the kids. If she was, she'd find a way to see them often. That's the sad truth, but it's indisputable. Blow her off.

[Garga]

I feel for you! My parents are the same way. They moved to Arizona (2500 miles away) just days after my 2nd son was born. I was heartbroken. They made all the plans while I was pregnant, but didn't tell me until a week before they left. They made the plans in secret so that I couldn't talk them out of it (bought a house, sold the old one.)

 

They don't call on birthdays, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas or ever. Ever. They NEVER call to chat. Ever.

 

We offered to get them a camera for their computer so we could call and they could see the grandkids, but they said, "No, thanks." Why not? Why don't they want the stinkin' camera so they can see us?? We were going to pay for it.

 

Well, enough about me. I don't understand when people do these things, but I think you were very wise not to say anything to the kids.

 

Enjoy your clean house.