When the grandparents step in. Ugh.

[HSHS]

DD got back from her grandmother's yesterday and was rather stroppy. The reason? Her grandmother had told her that she should do her school work during the day. What my mother doesn't realise is that she already has. She was doing A Level maths (she bought the textbook herself) and it's something you don't do until 16-18 over here. Her grandmother apparently just sniffed at this fact and asked why she was doing it and why she'd ever use what she was learning again. I don't know what's wrong with the woman myself, I've never been prouder of DD. :]

[starwarsmomma]

Grandparents are out of touch with this kind of thing. HOw long has it been since they even had small kids? They have no idea. I'd just shrug it off, tell your dd that she doesn't understand and not to worry about it.

[Storm Bay]

Perhaps it would help to tell her that she's already done her work, and even explain that it takes less time because she doesn't have to wait for discipline issues, explaining it several times so that everyone understands, etc.

 

However, the advice to just shrug it off is good advice; it depends on what your mother/mother-in-law is like and how she'd handle having you explain this. Sometimes an explanation can do wonders, but other times it's not worth it.

[HSHS]

Me & DD have a pretty bad relationship with my mother to be honest. My mother, in basically everyone that's ever met her's words 'isn't happy unless she's complaining'. She's always been like that since when I was a kid.

 

We had another incident yesterday where DD locked herself in the bathroom in my mother's house and I had to go pick her up. Someone had knocked at the door & my mother had threw a paintbrush at the fence she was painting because DD didn't answer it for her and instead came to tell her there was someone at the door. She told DD she was 'becoming a social recluse' so DD locked herself in the bathroom and disolved into tears. I don't know what to do about her. D:

[Renai]

Me & DD have a pretty bad relationship with my mother to be honest. My mother, in basically everyone that's ever met her's words 'isn't happy unless she's complaining'. She's always been like that since when I was a kid.

 

We had another incident yesterday where DD locked herself in the bathroom in my mother's house and I had to go pick her up. Someone had knocked at the door & my mother had threw a paintbrush at the fence she was painting because DD didn't answer it for her and instead came to tell her there was someone at the door. She told DD she was 'becoming a social recluse' so DD locked herself in the bathroom and disolved into tears. I don't know what to do about her. D:

 

:grouphug:

[Storm Bay]

Me & DD have a pretty bad relationship with my mother to be honest. My mother, in basically everyone that's ever met her's words 'isn't happy unless she's complaining'. She's always been like that since when I was a kid.

 

We had another incident yesterday where DD locked herself in the bathroom in my mother's house and I had to go pick her up. Someone had knocked at the door & my mother had threw a paintbrush at the fence she was painting because DD didn't answer it for her and instead came to tell her there was someone at the door. She told DD she was 'becoming a social recluse' so DD locked herself in the bathroom and disolved into tears. I don't know what to do about her. D:

 

 

Does your dd have to be at your mother's? Just curious, since at 14 I would think that she's old enough to be left on her own if need be. Fourteen is a tough age to be in the first place, and my only suggestion, if it is at all possible to do, is to try and minimize the amount of time your dd needs to be with your mother given what you've shared in this thread.

[HSHS]

DD doesn't have to be in my mother's ever if she didn't want to be. She's been more than capable of being left in the house on her own for years but she likes my mother, when she isn't being like this. My mother can have nice moments when she wants to but she smokes around DD and since DD doesn't like it (it's also caused both mine & DD's asthma), it causes a lot of arguments between them. I've no idea what the best thing to do is...

[Storm Bay]

DD doesn't have to be in my mother's ever if she didn't want to be. She's been more than capable of being left in the house on her own for years but she likes my mother, when she isn't being like this. My mother can have nice moments when she wants to but she smokes around DD and since DD doesn't like it (it's also caused both mine & DD's asthma), it causes a lot of arguments between them. I've no idea what the best thing to do is...

 

 

That's a tough one, for sure. Smoking is one cause of asthma. If a woman's mother smoked when she was pregant with her, that woman's children are more likely to develop asthma. If it were my dd, I'd simply limit how much time I let her spend with the relative. I do this anyway, since some of the members of my family have their own issues, which is too bad since they don't all have issues. However, we live across the continent from them which makes it a lot easier for me.

 

You have my empathy. It's hard when you have children in between being kids and adults who are at such a sensitive, vulnerable age. I have a 14 yo, too, so I can relate to that part of it. I'm guessing that you hug her if she allows it, comfort her, encourage her and teach her. Sometimes that's not so easy to do with a teen, is it?

 

:grouphug:

[HSHS]

I've never smoked in my life, so it definately wasn't the cause of my DD's asthma but whether mine was caused by that or not, I guess I'll never know. My DD was at my mother's for an awful lot of her childhood since I was a single mother working full time which is why I think the asthma is most likely to be caused by my mother's smoking. It's been proven that passive smoking is a cause of asthma now.

 

I've always comforted & encouraged her despite some of the mistakes I might have made with her. Since we started homeschooling her though, our relationship has got a lot better which I'm overjoyed about, obviously. DD's always been very independent & she refuses to cry when she's upset which makes me misread her a lot but I think I get it right most of the time.

 

My brother (who DD gets along with really well when he isn't annoyed about something) lives with my mother though he's moving out in a week or so and he has three kids. An 18 year old, a 6 year old and a 4 year old. The first child was born when he was 17 and he abandoned her and her mother because he got scared. Then his marriage broke up with the mother of the 6 & 4 y/o and since then he's refused contact with them.

 

My DD was staying with my mother during the week when they were both born & my brother & his wife were both working nights until 1am so my neices were left with my mother but by then, my mother had lost her patience with babies and after the oldest (the 6 y/o) had grown up a little (or at least past the bottle & nappy phase) I think she was hoping that was it. And then they had the 4 y/o and my mother took a disliking too her. DD loves her little cousins to death and acted like their big sister but my mother didn't like the youngest and when she got annoyed with the baby she'd put her in her moses basket and put her out in the hall.

 

My DD looked after her a lot of the time which I really regret letting her do but I knew that if DD wasn't doing it, the baby would be left in the hall on her own. When I was staying there for a couple of months my mother, every night when the baby would cry she'd get up and go downstairs to have a cup of coffee while she left the baby upstairs crying so I'd calm her normally.

 

After my brother refused to see the children though, DD didn't see her little cousins much again. She's seen them about five times since and I think it upsets her a lot more than she lets on. She told me today that my mother, when she sees the children (their mother's fiance lives nearby) says that the baby's a whinger and she hates children like that.

 

My mother's behaviour seems to sound a lot more erratic when down on paper. S:

[Storm Bay]

I've never smoked in my life, so it definately wasn't the cause of my DD's asthma but whether mine was caused by that or not, I guess I'll never know. My DD was at my mother's for an awful lot of her childhood since I was a single mother working full time which is why I think the asthma is most likely to be caused by my mother's smoking. It's been proven that passive smoking is a cause of asthma now.

 

I must not have been clear in what I wrote. Asthma has many causes. But it can be caused by the asthma patient's maternal grandmother having smoked when the asthma patient's mother was in utero. ie, if your mother smoked when she was pregnant with you, it could be a contributing factor in her having asthma even if you have never smoked. Researchers aren't totally sure why, but it may be that smoking while pregnat affects the ova which are partially developed relatively early in gestational development.

 

I've always comforted & encouraged her despite some of the mistakes I might have made with her. Since we started homeschooling her though, our relationship has got a lot better which I'm overjoyed about, obviously. DD's always been very independent & she refuses to cry when she's upset which makes me misread her a lot but I think I get it right most of the time.

 

My brother (who DD gets along with really well when he isn't annoyed about something) lives with my mother though he's moving out in a week or so and he has three kids. An 18 year old, a 6 year old and a 4 year old. The first child was born when he was 17 and he abandoned her and her mother because he got scared. Then his marriage broke up with the mother of the 6 & 4 y/o and since then he's refused contact with them.

 

My DD was staying with my mother during the week when they were both born & my brother & his wife were both working nights until 1am so my neices were left with my mother but by then, my mother had lost her patience with babies and after the oldest (the 6 y/o) had grown up a little (or at least past the bottle & nappy phase) I think she was hoping that was it. And then they had the 4 y/o and my mother took a disliking too her. DD loves her little cousins to death and acted like their big sister but my mother didn't like the youngest and when she got annoyed with the baby she'd put her in her moses basket and put her out in the hall.

 

My DD looked after her a lot of the time which I really regret letting her do but I knew that if DD wasn't doing it, the baby would be left in the hall on her own. When I was staying there for a couple of months my mother, every night when the baby would cry she'd get up and go downstairs to have a cup of coffee while she left the baby upstairs crying so I'd calm her normally.

 

After my brother refused to see the children though, DD didn't see her little cousins much again. She's seen them about five times since and I think it upsets her a lot more than she lets on. She told me today that my mother, when she sees the children (their mother's fiance lives nearby) says that the baby's a whinger and she hates children like that.

 

My mother's behaviour seems to sound a lot more erratic when down on paper. S:

 

 

Family situations aren't always simple, are they?

[HSHS]

Me & my mother had many, many rows over her smoking around DD when she was a child. When my neices were born she didn't smoke around them for the first few months and then she seemed to think it didn't matter anymore.

 

My DD asked her why she smoked around everyone when it was making them all ill and she said that DD was the only one that was ill so it must be her own fault, kind of thing. Only me, DD and my brother have lived with her and my brother smokes himself now & has done since he was a teenager so obviously it'd only be me & DD complaining - my brother would just put down anything respiratory to smoking himself. I wish my mother would listen to me! Grr D:

 

And no, they're most definately not. :glare: