3 yo and crying all.the.time. - Am I expecting too much? WWYD?

[Jennefer@SSA]

Stripe, thanks for taking the time to respond.

Edited June 2, 2009 by Jennefer@SSA

[Lovedtodeath]

Jennefer, I took Stripes post to mean "you" as a group, or a rhetorical you. I also think that it was more of a "just in case you need it" advice, not necessarily assuming anything about you. I wouldn't take it so personally. ;) :grouphug:

 

I, for one could use some of those reminders. :glare:

 

I do think it is helpful to anyone giving you advice to have more information though, so clearing up some specifics can't be all bad.

Edited June 1, 2009 by Lovedtodeath

[Lovedtodeath]

It also occurred to me that Stripe could also be one of those mothers that has a docile, quiet child who would never hollar and carry on as ours do unless she was acting in this manner. I know plenty of people with angel children who assume that I must be a terrible mother when DD is screaming b/c of itchy clothes. They just don't get it. Kids have different personalities. Sometimes kids are easy even if your parenting is sub-par. Sometimes the opposite is true.

[HiddenJewel]

My dd5 goes into major meltdown quite often. What I have started doing when this occurs is to take her on my lap and rock her until she calms down. This has worked much better than any hard line approach I have tried.

 

I also need to make sure I spend enough time with her when she is doing fine so that she doesn't act out just to get my attention.

 

My ds2 just started screaming when he doesn't get his way. I have been putting him on his bed and that has worked so far.

[Jennefer@SSA]

Jennefer, I took Stripes post to mean "you" as a group, or a rhetorical you. I also think that it was more of a "just in case you need it" advice, not necessarily assuming anything about you. I wouldn't take it so personally. ;) :grouphug:

 

I, for one could use some of those reminders. :glare:

 

I do think it is helpful to anyone giving you advice to have more information though, so clearing up some specifics can't be all bad.

 

Thanks, Lovedtodeath. You really are a sweetheart. I give that I very well may be being defensive based on how I feel I am being painted. I guess I would not speak to someone the way I feel I have been spoken to. But then again I am probably too careful most of the time to not hurt feelings and to couch hard truths with too much insulation.

 

The reality is that if I met stripe in person I would probably like her very much. I truly value those ladies in my life who speak the truth even if it hurts. Those are some of the conversations that I look back on that have really grown me over the years. I guess in those cases though the person knew me and spoke with great love in respect. I just don't feel that was the case here. It seems incongruous for someone who speaks of treating children with such great respect would treat another adult with such (as perceived by me) disrespect. I have been on this board for a few years now (was back on the old board, too) and have never once had something like this come up. My guess is that if I met her in person, we might have a good giggle over this someday.

Edited June 2, 2009 by Jennefer@SSA

[Ginevra]

I have not read all the pages in the middle here, but I guess I want to throw my two cents in to the mix. You sound like you are describing my youngest child. I was so concerned about his behavior, I had him evaluated at age 3 because I thought he had Aspergers Syndrome. Or something else. He was throwing tantrums about 30 times a day. He would freak out about things even though they were standard procedure and I always followed through every day. (Things like getting dressed, brushing his teeth, getting into the bath, then getting out of the bath...and let's not even discuss what happened when something really out-of-the-ordinary went wrong!)

 

First, I suggest that he isn't like that because your older son has Aspergers. I also don't think you screwed up by not getting him under your thumb by 12 months.

 

Second, if you want to go with the time-out method you described, give it a whirl, but I will tell you that route did not work for me. The main reason it didn't work is because both practically and emotionally, it was not possible for me to continuously be "on" his behavior every 5 minutes. A few days of that and he was no better and *I* needed to spend a few days in a padded cell. I felt our relationship was just miserable war. It wasn't helping him feel understood, it didn't end his flipping out and I felt like a horrible, cruel mother. What is more, he most likely gets his "sensitive" streak straight from the Apple Tree and I remember when my mother would try to force me to put on a happy face through punishment. It lead to serious depression. I don't want to do that to my son, although I also don't want him wreaking havoc all day long.

 

My son is 4.5 now and he doesn't do this anymore. He is still an "intense" child and he still needs a lot of help and guidance and interaction to not go overboard, but he doesn't cry and scream a trillion times a day. When I was going through this, I would get so mad when people would say he will probably grow out of it. It didn't suit my goal-oriented, problem-solving self. But really that is what happened.

 

I am glad that we had evaluations done and I'm glad that I cared about his wildness, but ultimately, I really think he was just emotionally immature and so he acted like an overly-emotional 2-year-old still when he was 3. By the time he was 3.5, a large amount of it had subsided.

 

One thing I did at the time that I believe helped was I spent some time in focused play with him before I started schoolwork with the other two. This was really kind of a pain and I didn't especially relish putting wood traintrack together endlessly, but it seemed like he needed his "tank" of attention filled before I helped the other two kids. (Even though he didn't get good "gas mileage" for the fill-up!)

 

I hope that helps. I swear, it is hard. It's way, way hard! I wrote about it on my blog way back, if you want to check out my old posts. www.daniellesthinkwell.blogspot.com

 

 

 

We have gotten to a place where he cries all.the.time. I am talking at least 30 times a day. Anytime he doesn't get his way he is crying. If I don't meet his need (perceived or real) the very second he mentions it, he is crying and often screaming.

 

There are a lot of reasons we've gotten to this point. He is the youngest of 3. His oldest brother has Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. He requires a lot of attention, especially during homeschooling. I need to be right by his side for him to stay on task. Unfortunately I think I have been way too focused on big brother and ds3 has learned to get his way by demanding his needs be met by screaming.

 

Also, ds8 is a classic Aspie in that things have to be his way. He gives very little grace and very often infuriates his little brother by demanding that things be done to an exact specification. Typically ds8 doesn't even realize what he's done to tick ds3 off. Just in his black and white mindset, little brother wasn't following the rules. There is no accounting in his mind for the fact that he is just a little guy learning the rules and needs guidance. Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I would have done some things differently for sure.

 

Also if he doesn't want to follow a request I have made, the crying starts. I asked him to pick up his cars (about 10 of them) and put them in the car bucket. The crying and wailing started. "No Mom. I want you do it!" I don't give in. I make him do it every single time. Yet he hasn't seemed to clue into that. I read an article recently (can't remember source) but this particular mom mentioned that she felt that by the age of 1 you missed the boat if you were not established as the (loving) authority and obedience taught. I surely missed the boat on that one.

 

So here I am. I have decided that I will not (honestly cannot - the mood in our home is really getting to me with all the screaming and crying) tolerate the crying anymore. I have a plan and would love some feedback from others who may have had a similar experience. Starting yesterday every time he cries I ask him to stop and make his request his "big boy voice"(he knows that this means no crying or screaming). If the crying doesn't stop right away, I put him in my room and lay him on my bed. I tell him he can come out when he is ready to be done crying and has a happy heart.

 

Right now we are in the "it gets worse before it gets better" stage. He is really testing to see if I mean what I say. He sat on my bed no less than 20 times yesterday and already 4 times this morning. He sits anywhere from 3-10 minutes and then he will walk out of my room calm and happy.

 

I would love some feedback from others. Am I expecting too much? Any other ideas. Feedback?

[Jennefer@SSA]

It also occurred to me that Stripe could also be one of those mothers that has a docile, quiet child who would never hollar and carry on as ours do unless she was acting in this manner. I know plenty of people with angel children who assume that I must be a terrible mother when DD is screaming b/c of itchy clothes. They just don't get it. Kids have different personalities. Sometimes kids are easy even if your parenting is sub-par. Sometimes the opposite is true.

 

This thought crossed my mind, too. I have a friend who has 3 naturally compliant children. Add to that, she truly is a fantastic mom. But after her #4 came along who was much more like my ds3 in temperament and she realized she had placed all of her eggs in the basket of "good parenting" and not any in the basket of "a lotta luck, too" basket! :D:D:D And she's the first to admit that now!

[Jennefer@SSA]

What is more, he most likely gets his "sensitive" streak straight from the Apple Tree and I remember when my mother would try to force me to put on a happy face through punishment. It lead to serious depression. I don't want to do that to my son, although I also don't want him wreaking havoc all day long.

 

This has been one of my biggest learns from this thread. I have realized how wrong it is to expect a "happy heart". It is okay for him to be sad - or to have any emotions. It is not okay to carry on and on the way he has been doing. I am working hard to teach him to properly identify his emotions and learn appropriate responses. I loved the advice Joanne gave on this earlier.