Hannah
-
Posts
2,947 -
Joined
-
Days Won
1
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Events
Blogs
Classifieds
Store
Posts posted by Hannah
-
-
The ring security is adorable!
I love your Jenga guest book idea!
I don't see it on your list, but assume she has a photographer organized from her company? Or more than one even?
-
2
-
-
I would wonder if the friendship means as much to her as it did to me. This sounds like she is scheduling just another business meeting. Or doing you a favour.
-
10
-
-
47 minutes ago, Catwoman said:
I have to say that I was wondering if Katy knows more about this situation than I do (maybe from past threads I missed?) because I can’t figure out why she would think anyone FEARS Hannah’s dd or thinks she is DANGEROUS.
I’m sensing a very well-meaning girl who is still a bit immature and socially inept. I can’t imagine anyone fearing a girl who just seems a little desperate for friendship and companionship.
I have never written anything about Dd before other than saying that I have a child on the spectrum.
The people she becomes too intense with too soon after a short space of time do retreat fairly quickly, but it is the the ones that have ghosted her after having known her for more than six months that really hurt. I don't think they fear her, but somehow she oversteps and becomes too much for them as well. We need to figure out how she can avoid that.
-
2
-
-
16 hours ago, TechWife said:
My adult ds has ASD, so I’m speaking from a place of experience.
There’s a saying in the disability advocacy field - “Nothing about me without me.” It has wide application in the area of policy and accommodation, but it is also personal.
I think you should ask her if it’s okay for you to talk to the therapist. Without that permission, you risk making it more difficult for trust to be built between her & the therapist. The only time it’s okay to talk to the therapist without her permission is if she is engaging in life threatening behavior. It might also be appropriate for you to have your own appointment to talk about how this all affects you, but that’s your therapy, not hers. I don’t think I’d see the same therapist without her knowing you did so, though.As other’s have mentioned, people ghost for a lot of reasons. Sometimes people don’t have the energy or knowledge they need to address difficult situations. Sometimes it comes when the person who has done the ghosting has tried to establish boundaries, address inappropriate or undesirable interactions or felt threatened by the speech (including tone), manner or actions of the other person. As hard as it may be, your daughter very well could be missing a lot of cues and not understanding a lot of conversations. Even harder, she likely doesn’t realize what she’s missing.
In addition to a therapist, direct instruction through a good etiquette class and/or a class on interpersonal skills might be of benefit to her. If she doesn’t want to do a class or one isn’t available, she might be willing to read some good books or watch some videos.
Thank you TechWife. I was and still am hesitant to talk to the therapist, hence the question, and I think you've answered it for me. The alternative I can think of is to ask Dd if we can prepare together. I think she'd be comfortable with that and I can then ask her to describe to the therapist what has happened with these friends. And to also discuss what is going well with her other friendships. That might be the opening that the therapist needs.
She is definitely missing cues. The work she did with her therapist in high school helped her to identify cues and then she knew what people expected of her. I think the pressures are higher now and that does make her more needy and blind to cues.
-
3
-
-
3 hours ago, Catwoman said:
Hannah, I hate to ask this, but are you sure your daughter is psychologically and emotionally ready to be living away from home? Do you think she might be better off moving back home where you can provide more of the emotional support she needs?
From what you have described, it sounds like she is desperate for love, attention, and acceptance, but it isn’t realistic for her to get that level of support from people who don’t know her that well, and who are probably overwhelmed by her neediness. It also appears that she has an incredibly high-level of expectation for new relationships, and most people just aren’t comfortable with that level of intensity.
Also, it doesn’t sound like your dd is the most forgiving person, and that she has certain expectations of her friends and boyfriends, and when those people don’t meet those expectations, she doesn’t seem to want to give them a second chance, even when they attempt to contact her again later to rekindle the relationships.
I feel very sad for your daughter, and I think you should definitely discuss these things with her therapist, so hopefully the therapist will be able to help her learn how to deal with her relationships in a healthier way.
I would have loved for her to have a few more years at home where I could guide her, but there are no universities close to home that would allow her to study from home. The best we can do are daily check ins.
You're right, she is desperate for love and acceptance and as Rosie pointed out, she trusts too easily that people will be as kind as her good friends are. She does get intense too quickly and there are people who can manage that, and others that cannot. I understand that fully and that is the aspect of relationships she needs to learn.
Her thinking is very black and white (another manifestation of autism), but we are working on learning grace and to give people second chances.
-
3
-
-
3 hours ago, KSera said:
This. Making friends with other young adults on the spectrum made a world of difference for mine.
There are no specific ASD clubs or social groups where she can meet people on the spectrum. The "nerdy" friends that she plays online D&D with are probably the closest. Unfortunately, those friends are also too far away to meet up regularly, but they have done done so a few times and they have also gone camping together where they enjoyed playing board games and going game watching.
-
3
-
-
4 hours ago, Katy said:
This is going to sound harsh. I don’t want it to be. My 5 year old is on the spectrum too. When the former friend never wanted intense daily communication, they likely have no idea how to handle it. They don’t know if she’s got autism or if she’s some sort of narcissist, or if it’s something much worse and they’re dealing with someone who is literally dangerous. They just know they fear her and her weird behavior. Even if she says she’s autistic, unfortunately some sociopaths claim to be on the spectrum to mask sociopathy.
All the friends know is she is violating a lot of social boundaries and screaming to look at all of the red flags. So no, they have zero obligation to make her feel better. Their responsibility is to keep themselves safe, and she is NOT acting safe. Most people will give people the benefit of the doubt when it’s possible. So if she relaxes and stops acting in ways that literally scare them, they’ll probably resume a cautious friendship. I wonder if there’s someone else at her school on the spectrum that she could be friends with.
Gosh, that does hurt. Comparing her to a narcissist or sociopath?
I have written about the interactions that have concerned me and have become too intense over time, and those are the ones she needs to learn to manage. Not all of her friendships are this way.
She is a really fun person and that is why she has an active social life. Poeple invite her out bowling, or to functions and other social events. By no means all of her interactions scare people. I just cannot agree that it's polite to just cut people off, but I do realize that my cultural expectations of going "no-contact" is different to many in the USA.
Unfortunately nobody at her school walks around with an 'I'm autistic' label to make identifying them easier.
-
4
-
-
52 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:
Could you explain it as a trust issue? That trust should be given gradually?
That would be a good start, thanks Rosie.
-
1
-
1
-
-
My brother and his family live in Taiwan. They are safe, and none of their family or close friends have been injured, but they do know people who's houses and businesses have been severely damaged.
-
8
-
-
25 minutes ago, Katy said:
I’d tell the therapist what’s going on too. The way to solve this is for DD to act less desperate, and that’s difficult to learn for even the neurotypical.
Thank you for verbalizing what she needs to learn. I struggle with finding the right vocabulary to express to her what she is missing and why this might be putting people off.
-
1
-
-
13 minutes ago, Katy said:
Ghosting can be polite. It’s a way of creating distance without any big confrontations. Then if you run into each other again later you can resume a friendly (but not as intense) relationship.
To me it seems cowardly and without any compassion or empathy for the person who is just cast aside. How does one go from intense daily communication to nothing at all in one swoop? Is there no longer a responsibility towards the other person to at least give them a reason why you're cutting them off? I have a lot of respect for the friend that did try to say why he was going to simmer for a while.
-
6
-
-
23 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:
Yes, you should tell the therapist.
But your dd may not be developmentally ready to understand what you're telling her, or perhaps not desperate enough yet.
Unpleasant as it is, these are normal autistic people problems. Sucks though. Probably she needs more Aspie friends.
From what I can tell, ghosting is considered polite in some ways, more polite than saying things people don't want to hear. I think that's weird, but hey, I'm autistic...
Thanks for your insight Rosie.
Her high school therapist actually did tell me that she though Dd was emotionally about 3 years behind developmentally, so I guess we should see it as a nearly 17yo in an adult environment. It does suck that these are normal autistic problems and my heart really hurts for her.
Ghosting really sucks too, even if the intention is to be polite. I think Dd would prefer a straight conversation so that she knows where she stands and can learn from her errors.
-
3
-
-
* Update posted in thread below on 19 Apr *
My 19yo Dd has an ASD spectrum diagnosis and is navigating adulthood independently at university.
Her emotions resemble a square wave with extreme amplitude, either on an emotional high, or completely in the doldrums. These correlate directly to how she perceives herself being treated by her friends and whether she feels included or not. She has a very gregarious nature and attracts people, but unfortunately with those she likes, she latches on immediately, calling them friends within a week and she becomes 'high maintenance' quickly. She has a few close friends who value her, are accommodating of her and have also been able to put boundaries in place that she respects and understands.
[I will be deleting the next few paragraphs, but I want to give detail and context - ETA this has turned out very long, so skip to the next brackets if you'd like]
[deleted for privacy]
[...]
Of course she is again heartbroken, wondering 'what is wrong with me?' and 'why do people always desert me?'.
I don't think all of this is on her, but Dh and I have tried to talk to her about becoming 'too much too soon' and putting emotional pressure on people, but she feels that we are criticizing her and she does not listen or can't comprehend our advise.
During high school she was with a therapist with whom she discussed all off her relationships and who helped her immensely to navigate these. She also found herself a therapist on campus last year. As the friendships were seemingly going well, from what I can gather they worked on dealing with academic anxiety. Unfortunately she is no longer available as Dd has moved.
Dd has agreed to an initial consultation with a psychologist in our area for next week when she is here on recess. If they get along, she can continue with her remotely and see her in person when she's home.
The question I have is whether I should fill the therapist in on these incidents and what I perceive may be the cause? What she hears from Dd on the day is going to very much depend on where she is on her square curve on the day. I may, however, be overstepping.
Also, how do Dh and I help Dd to read the friendship cues and understand boundaries?
-
8 hours ago, TechWife said:
People who require ICU are not appropriate rehab patients.
I'm curious what the definition of rehab is in the USA?
My husband had major surgery and was in hospital for 10 weeks, 4 of which were in 'high-dependency care'. A step down from ICU, where people here are mostly on ventilators or are having continuous dialysis, but which still means that you need 24/7 surveillance, are attached to IV's, oxygen lines and monitors. It sounds like this is the case with the OP's father. That he is not on artificial ventilation? Anyway, what we called rehab started almost immediately with mobilization that required him to swing his legs off the bed on day two, progressing in tiny increments to walking down the corridor with the PT and IV's and Oxygen cylinder in tow and then to very light arm exercises in bed. His diet also went through a rehab process from intravenous feed to fluids to soft food, etc.
-
2
-
-
I had my last child at 36 and always joked that I wanted to sleep through the night by age 40. That feeling of waking up refreshed the next morning!
-
1
-
-
I can't begin to imagine how agonizing this decision has been for you Tap. I remember when you took your niece in and you could never have foreseen how incredibly difficult the journey with her would be.
And to process that without your boyfriend or wonderful dog by your side is a lot.
-
3
-
-
-
Depending on the type of pants (casual or more formal) you could also go with white trainers and a white shirt.
-
When you use the word jazz, the first South African band that comes to mind is African Jazz Pioneers. Maybe not quite the genre you are looking for.
You might also like Tananas. My favourite band of the 80's. A mostly chilled instrumental fusion of jazz an salsa.
https://www.music-map.com/ is a cool site to use to determine what you might like in a similar to your current tastes.
-
As kids my parents loved Dallas and wouldn't let us watch because of the content!
As teens, we loved the A-team and Magnum PI
Friends
House
Sherlock (British series)
Reality shows: Survivor (from all countries), Grand Designs, the Dutch and Afrikaans versions of Farmer Wants a Wife (I'm too conservative for tge Australian version).
-
1
-
-
26 minutes ago, Ellie said:
Didn't Ree leave because someone from the board was stalking her?
I remember a hurtful parody blog.
Back then you could also pick up someone's IP address and trace their real identity that way. I don't think Ree was using her surname then yet, and if I recall the person 'outed' her.
-
6
-
-
5 hours ago, regentrude said:
This.
The AI is a *parrot*. It is very good at mimicking the stuff it has been fed into it. But it doesn't think, it doesn't evaluate the validity of the stuff it writes, it doesn't "know".
The concept of "trusting" doesn't make sense in judging the AI. It's like complaining the dishwasher isn't making good pasta.
There are also different types of AI.
ChatGPT is a language model. It's function is, as you say, to generate human-like text based on the inputs received.
There are also other AI subsets, including machine learning which uses algorithms and statistical models that rely on patterns and inference. Predictive maintenance analysis in factories comes to mind, or fraud detection. And in turn a subset of this is deep learning that uses neural networks and is used for things like facial recognition and possibly in the future may have a large enough database to enable predictive analysis for unmanned vehicles.
We all know about robotics that use machine learning and visual recognition in the vehicle industry.
All of these programs are only as good as the (many absolutely brilliant) developers and data scientists writing them. Not to say that they can't be used for evil purposes.
-
Welcome little Nabby! Congratulations to her parents and family.
-
My 27yo niece and 25yo nephew live in big cities in the UK and don't have driving licenses. The use public transport, Uber or taxis.
How do I help my ASD young adult and should I Inform a new therapist about specific issues?
in The Chat Board
Posted · Edited by Hannah
I think she has a ways to go to learn detachment. She feels intensely.
We spoke about it today and she will give the boy who explained himself a second chance. It was hard for her to hear, but he was honest and courageous in telling her how he felt. In her words, “he did not just throw me away”, which is how she felt from the people ghosting her or the girls ostracising her. She won’t forgive them easily. We agreed that she should wait for this boy to contact her, rather than her him, and she will stick to that. I do think he will reach out as promised. He’s a nice kid.
It is end of term and this evening she was invited to go bowling and to a restaurant with a new group of acquaintances. I checked in via text a few minutes ago and the square curve is at the emotional high again. She’s having loads of fun. I’ll have the conversation in the morning about acquaintances not being friends yet and include your suggestions to talk about trust being given gradually. She needs more precise language than “you’re asking too much” and this thread has helped me to understand that. I need to break it down and explain it as best I can.
I am leaning towards asking Dd’s permission to let me talk to the therapist for a few minutes to explain how she needs relationship help. That’s how we did it when she was younger, so it won’t be an entirely new idea to her. I’ll need to see what she’s open to and otherwise walk her through what she needs to explain. I doubt that she’ll be embarrassed. She overshares!!