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JVA

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    Advice needed

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted

    I've just been diagnosed with a good sized (3" diameter) uterine fibroid...the biopsy came back benign (which is GOOD). My Gyn thinks there are two avenues to choose from at this point. One is a hysterectomy, the other is a Uterine Fibroid Embolization- where they cut off the blood supply to the fibroid to keep it from growing and , hopefully, to shrink. If you've been down this road, I'd love any and all advice. Thanks so much in advance!

    I need wisdom and input re parents separating

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted · Edited by JVA

    I have not BTDT from the adult child side. But, I would like to offer some feedback to the post.

     

    You are going to hurt and grieve. Even if they reconcile, your world has been shaken. You will feel that, regardless of where the divorce lands on your scale of "valid." Those feelings, created by the situation of your parents, are yours; your parent (and especially Dad) are not responsible for them. They are valid, understandable, and deep feelings - but not his to deal with.

     

    Your parents will each have their own complicated feelings. How much to share with you also be complicated, and difficult. Your Dad is likely to want you to at least "understand," but if he's even remotely emotionally healthy, he won't want to give you too much information so that you are put in an inappropriate role.

     

    Also, remember that even if he is the one who is initiating and driving this, he is also hurting. It may be hard to see or understand that, but he's hurting also.

     

    You might want to practice or rehearse a boundaried, loving paragraph:

     

    "Dad, there are a lot of big feelings involved here. Yours, Moms, the kids. The big feelings are going to go on for a while. If I withdraw a bit from you in order to take care of my feelings, please understand. I want you and Mom to be happy; preferably happily together. I am terribly sad that doesn't seem to be the case."

     

    Now, speaking as a divorced woman, I would like to say you are talking as an adult to other adults - and your parents. I'd encourage you to consciously avoid as much as you can judgment about the divorce or the persons in it. It's very likely you'll never now the whole story.

     

    I'm sorry you are hurting.

     

    Such thoughtful, balanced advice! :iagree: My parents separated after 20+ years....I remember my father calling me and telling me....it was right after I'd returned from my honeymoon. Yuck. Their relationship was always rocky so it wasn't a HUGE suprise but the timing was lousy. I hope your parents can maintain civility as it will make everything easier. My mother is a bitter, angry and hateful woman because she sees herself as a victim and my father is the devil incarnate. It makes any family event problematic as she won't come to even a wedding or graduation if he's in the same room. My only advice to add to Joann's great insight here is to try not to do anything that will further divide them and make for discomfort for them and the rest of the family in the years to come. This is no fun and I feel for you. BTDT. So sorry it's happening.

    Nursing Poll

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted

    They all nursed for different amounts and self-weaned

     

    B/G twins - 10 mos

    DS 27 mos

    DS 28 mos

    DS 12 mos

     

    Nursing is a lifestyle- like homeschooling - and needs Dad's support.....it affects your life in wonderful ways and hard ways but ultimately, it is for the baby's benefit and I accepted the limits it put on my life because I knew it was short-lived. These kids are now 29/29, 24, 22 and 14 and looking back, I'm so grateful I was able to. I know some friends who didn't have success (as they defined it) and that also helped me to keep a low profile about it but to stay commited.

    Shyness vs. Rudeness

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted

    We saw this with our twins (first borns) and # 3- who was naturally shy. The twins just used to want to 'hide' together..... However, #4 and #5 were/are EXTROVERTS that needed reigning in!

     

    We role-played how to respond to greeting people with these points in mind:

     

    -We never know who or when we'll run into someone- so it's not something that can be predicted

    -Acting shy can be interpreted as rude so the minimum was required: eye-to-eye contact, and hello and a smile.

    - If they were asked something, (like how old are you? what's your favorite color? etc...) they had to answer the question

    -We used masks, funny voices and other 'props' to help them be more comfortable with surprises.

    -They were not required to hug anybody and I never let anyone touch them- that would have freaked out our dd.

    -Sometimes, when we'd role play, we'd have THEM be the acquaintance at the store- that way they could try to get an idea of the other side.

     

    I realize some people are shy and talking is hard. For the minimum, all children need to be able to greet and participate in some kind of small talk. It's one of those social skills we thought was our job to teach them. It really irritated me that some friends allowed their children to avoid responding- I don't think it does them any favors. I'm not naturally shy, so I cut some slack for those who are but there are minimums. I didn't want to contribute to a possible negative impression of homeschoolers also.

    Where do the ILs stay that come from far away?

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted

    I didn't read all of the responses you've gotten...but take it from an 'older' married woman (32 years and counting) -

    Your dh needs to take the lead with his own parents.

    -Since they are disrespectful

    -since there really isn't room

    -He needs to tell them HOW things will work ie: hotel

     

    Their response/reaction is NOT your responsibility. They can choose to be miffed or grateful to see you. It's your family and your set the terms.

    There should be a portion of every wedding ceremony about BOUNDARIES with in-laws (out-laws:lol: - believe me, BTDT)

    Hope it goes well !!

    Narcissism: You all have given me a lot to think about-

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted

    Sorry to be the bearer of 'bad' news but the ONLY way to 'work' with our NPD family member was to eventually CUT CONTACT - akin to moving. It was a difficult decision- made by my dh as this person was on his side of the family- but we had no other recourse after decades of trying a variety of avenues. Nothing worked. They would NOT respect our boundaries, which were VERY reasonable.

    People with NPD are unreasonable, think the 'problem' is YOU not THEM, and that they are entitled to ..........just about whatever they want.

    In our experience, setting boundaries can be lonely and label you as 'uncooperative, a black sheep of the family or inflexible or mean'. Get ready for that.

    This has been our reality.

    Christmas and my sister (long, sorry!)

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted

    I think you need to read some books or get some advice about how to deal with narcissistic personalities - how to deal with the drama, boundaries, and family issues. It sounds like you enable your sister and it sounds like she knows all your buttons to keep you doing it - guilt, drama, etc.

     

    I would ignore her. If she complains, I would ask her to look to her own behavior and end the conversation. If she justifies it, I would tell her it looks different from your point of view and end the conversation.

     

    :iagree: I HIGHLY recommend the Boundaries books. You've been enabling her for a long time, now you're changing your M.O. and she's unhappy with it. Not a shocker for someone with NPD.

    You and your dh need to be on the same page and show a united front (if you're not already). One of the hard things in dealing with these kind of people (BTDT) is you may be going it alone. She probably won't ever lift a finger to contribute or help and accepting that (and it takes a while to get there, believe me!) will help YOU to make choices and live with them a lot easier. I hope things get better.

     

    http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-No--Inspirio-Zondervan-Miniature/dp/0762421029/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1324391111&sr=8-2

    Are there things you disliked as a child and now as an adult you figured out

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted

    Just being happy and enjoying LIFE! My mother could never see/say anything uplifting/positive/cheerful or encouraging.

     

    My life is a blessing everyday- I am grateful for all I have and have done. I love being a SAHM mom and feel priveleged to have been able to homeschool our brood for 24 years. I am nuts about my dh and extoll his praises whenever I can....and yes, we've had bumps along the way....but they didn't break us. It wasn't until high school that I figured out that life in general could be WONDERFUL.

     

    My mother is probably chronically depressed but will NEVER seek treatment. So sad that she can't experience the JOY we have. I feel sorry for her.

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