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EMS83

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Posts posted by EMS83

    Is requiring this "to be fine" reasonable?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    2 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

    I think he is being unreasonable, but I also think it would be unreasonable to take the kids somewhere against his will that he thinks is dangerous.  It's reasonable to go yourself, but not to bring the children.  So discussion is in order for sure.

    That's a good point; I may tend think of these things in a one-sided manner.  Though I never got the impression it was against his will, per se.  And it wasn't a specific place he thought was dangerous.  Part of what he said recently was "camping" is too vague.  He wants a detailed plan first, really.  But I don't see the point in the effort of fully planning something if the concept itself isn't approved first.  It's like, let's get this new product ready to hit the shelves before we know whether we want to develop it or not, kwim?

    40 minutes ago, Farrar said:

    I'm still unclear what the underlying issue is... like, is he just controlling of you? Or, is he just an anxious person? Or, is he just one of these people who have so little experience in the outdoors that they don't understand what's risky and what isn't? Because those might require different approaches.

    No he's camped before, just not much, and he doesn't like it.  He'd also be uncomfortable with a "co-ed" trip--like a friend's husband.  He doesn't say don't go...just that he's not comfortable with it and isn't it sort of weird that the guy wants to go?  I don't know if that's controlling or not.  I've never tried to just go anyway, because of course I wouldn't want that done to me.  But, then I grade my comfort levels.  See below:

    1 hour ago, LucyStoner said:

    I guess I am wondering why he has veto power over your leisure plans with the kids.  Does he have anxiety?  

    Not sure?  Social, I think, for sure.  And I do, too.  I just use it differently.  I use it to maintain order or avoid exposing them to content they're not mature enough to handle (lots of profanity or sexual themes, things I know will give the youngest nightmares, etc.).  But my personal view on video games is the less the better, and we wouldn't have them at all, or one system at most, if I had my druthers.  So I simply identify what I'm really not ok with at a given stage.  He does ask me before starting a game run with them, though.  I mean, we don't see eye to eye on things like content and what's safe, obviously, so...

    I guess bear spray isn't a hill to die on, though.  I think I'd just hurt myself with a taser, so maybe not that.  😄 

    Is requiring this "to be fine" reasonable?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    20 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

     

    Do bobcats really bother people?  We have them here, but it's actually quite difficult to see them even if you are trying to find them, they are very very shy of people.  

    I have no clue!  😄  But out of all the possible things we could run into in our area, those and venomous snakes are what move my concern-o-meter.

    Is requiring this "to be fine" reasonable?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted · Edited by CES2005

    18 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

    Honestly, it sounds like you were both shooting down each other's suggestion, without trying to understand what the actual problem was.  He says he's uncomfortable, but didn't explain why, and you said you aren't comfortable/don't see the point of carrying any defensive weapon, but also didn't explain why (to him at least that I am understanding.)  And....neither of you asked the other why.   So, you are both pushing what you want/don't want to do, without really understanding what the other person is really thinking.  

     

    It's two different conversations...the first one about firearms a few years ago, the AT documentary was cited.  "My mom was watching this thing..."  The most recent one I asked what his concerns were about me camping with the kids and he said he just wanted us to have a safety plan.  Since we're discussing guns, mace, tasers, and abductions leads me to believe it's more person-threat oriented.  Whereas I'm more concerned about bobcats.  Not as much about bears, but a little.  I told him why about firearms and he conceded (in the recent conversation).  I did tell him I didn't see the point in the mace and tasers because they're one shot and if I miss I'm screwed anyway.  I'm trying to decide if it's worth bringing up again or just going along with it anyway.

    edit: It's a fair point, though.  I won't forget it.

    Is requiring this "to be fine" reasonable?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted · Edited by CES2005

    9 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

     

    Hence the "may well be."  

    But just having wild animals around doesn't mean they are actually very dangerous.  We have lots of black bears in the woods here, lots of coyotes, but the chance of them harming a person is very slim.  It's happened, at least as far as a coyote goes, in my memory, but it is vanishingly rare statistically speaking.  So, she would really have to look at the statistics in the park.  My guess is that in a car camping area and well-used trails, it's not common - the park authorities are likely to be pretty careful about animals hanging around those kinds of areas.

    Right, these are 1-2 mile loops or "go a mile in, then turn around" kind of hikes.  I'm not a backpacker or a primitive camper.

    • Like 3

    Is requiring this "to be fine" reasonable?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    The first conversation about hiking and carrying was several years ago, and I just didn't push back.  It was an "I'm not comfortable with that unless..." sort of response.  So I dropped it for several years.  More recently I suggested camping to go to an event 3 1/2 hours away, he said he wasn't comfortable with it, I didn't think there were hotels around there, and subsequently drove there round trip in a day, creating a dangerous driving situation.  His other solution was to just not go to the event.  BUT: I should have looked up hotels, and I should have just pulled over and taken a nap and come home at 10:00 at night or something.  Really.  I made bad decisions.  But the shooting down my solution to my problem and then not really offering an alternative that helps effectively achieve my goal is a thing, yes.   So I explained all of that and said I want to freaking go camping and hiking and I'm not carrying a gun because kids and lack of training and discomfort (and he agreed).  So that's how we got around to pepper spray, bear spray, and tasers.  And I did agree I'd look into them and find something, but I really don't see the point of either the measure or the request.  I still have bad aim, and those things you get one shot and one shot only.  But yeah, I guess still a small price to pay.  I will say I'm bad about checking in and punctuality, so that doesn't help his peace of  mind, I'm sure.  There are no NRA magazines, news stories, or bad experiences.  There is a lack of experience even car camping or hiking State Park trails, though.  Beyond that...I really don't know.  He just says he wants me to have a safety plan.

    • Like 3

    Is requiring this "to be fine" reasonable?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I think it's abduction by psychos?  And no, this is not expansive wilderness or multi-day hikes.  It's like, I want to do car camping and hike a few 1-2 mile trails at the various state parks every other month or so.  Or as a cheap lodging option for destinations like the beach.  Like if all we were going to do is bum around the beach and eat out, why not find a nearby campground and save the hundreds/night?  I'd rather be at the beach in a tent than not go at all.  That's how I think.

    He has said once that he's only looking at the next step/reacting to vague proposals, but still...guns just wouldn't be my first response.  And it's not until the last few years I've had the confidence to push back and be like, "I don't want to do that, and I want to go anyway."  I'm the sort that will let 20 people through a door before entering myself.  I just don't see the point of any of it because it's one-time use and I have little confidence in my aim.  😄  And yes, firearms are not something I want to do. I have to sleep and neither me nor my kids are trained for safe handling.  He doesn't like camping and wouldn't take off work, anyway.  So while I agree that the easiest way for him to allay his fears is to come with us, the reality is we'd go even less often if we waited for that event.

    • Like 1

    Is requiring this "to be fine" reasonable?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted · Edited by CES2005

    I like camping.  My husband doesn't, and when I've proposed it before, would typically say he wasn't comfortable with just me and the kids going.  We went once with a friend and that was ok with him.  When I talked a few years ago about me and the kids going on more hiking trips around our state, he said I ought to carry concealed.  He'd be more comfortable with it if I did.  I didn't push back, we just didn't go hiking.  Because I just don't want to carry a firearm.  Mace or a taser are his minimum comfort level.  I don't really want to carry those, either.  But should I be compromising anyway?  In my opinion, it's more likely we'd get in a car accident on the way to a camping trip or hiking spot than be abducted by psychos.  Just me, though... 
    I don't know if he'd try to veto the whole trip if I simply refused to carry something.  It's not outside the realm of possibility, but I don't know about probability.

    Aggressive men

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    Can I ask what it means when someone says they don't find something funny and the joker essentially pouts and/or gets defensive?  Assume they stop, but that's their reaction when you tell them to stop.  

    Also another component I think is the overall context of the relationship.  Is it generally happy, loving, respectful, etc.?  I think that would soften how such a thing came across as opposed to this being a) the only way the person jokes with you and b) unwelcome by you anyway.

    Teach me to pass the bean dip...

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I'm so, so bad at that.  And there's a situation I don't want to talk about with people who may well ask (people who are pretty close to me--my evasion will be noted, but it just can't be helped).  I tend to feel obligated to answer simply for being asked, and also tend to over share when anxious.  😞  Tips?  Old threads?  Links?

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