Ananda
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Posts posted by Ananda
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I have a bad mommy relationship. I don't really know what the problem is, but I loathe her. She loves me and senses I want little to do with her so she is kinda clingy. I don't have any insight at all. I always thought it was me, because I am the mean one who loses my temper as does vile things. I have been thinking the last few years that it might be her, because I am a good person in general. I get along reasonably well with others. My husband is starting to see something too. It is a million tiny things that by themselves would mean nothing but together make her push all my buttons.
One of the big problems, I have isolated is that she is boundary challenged (which as I understand the book, is my fault?) When we were first married we had a lot of trouble with both sets of in-laws. After we started setting boundaries the relationship with my in-laws improved completely. But my mother. . . I can't even get her to understand what boundaries are. The boundaries thing just doesn't work with her, or I'm not doing it right or something. I thought of giving her the book, but I know she would just use it against me.
One other main area of contention is that when she doesn't like something she becomes incredibly stupid. Giving her the benefit of the doubt means you take her at her word that she doesn't understand. Like the boundary thing . . . Does she really not understand? Or is she pretending to not understand, because she doesn't like it? All the "I don't understand" & " You must have misunderstood" and "I remember differently." and "I don't see a problem." It starts to feel like gas lighting.
As I said I have no insight. It probably is me, but realistically if I don't like the person I become when I am around her, then I should be around her less.
Thanks for listening.
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I am a controlling person. I own that. I don't think begin controlling is inherently bad. It certainly can be if you steamroll the rights, needs & desires of less strong willed people. Obviously Luanne's husbands extended their control beyond what would rightfully be their domain.
I know a healthy & contentious person can be controlling while respecting others. This is the state of the authoritative boss or parent. This is the state of good leaders. I acknowledge that leaders can become cult leaders, megalomaniacs or despots. The important thing for someone with a controlling personality to be constantly aware of is that they must always respect others. Even if they are wrong.
Personally, I have a more easy-going, soft-spoken husband. I suppose I could easily be a total shrew of a wife and micromanage his every move. He would certainly let me, but would loose him self in the process. Our relationship works because he realizes that it is important to me to control the little things and I realize it is important to him to control his own life & to have input into the big things. As one vague example. I see everything in terms of black & white, right & wrong. He helps me to see the shades of grey, and through him I can appreciate the beauty of the world.
As for why I am controlling. I honestly feel it is my personality. I was a strong-willed child, and independent teen and know I am a controlling adult. Sometimes I trample the rights of others or get angry when I don't have my own way. But I like to think that I am usually fair & respectful.
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The second I saw the thread topic, I had to tell this story.
When we were in college my now husband decided he HAD to see The Black Dahlia. I was not interested in going & suggested he go with his friends, but for some reason that didn't work out. So we decided to go together & set a time when we were both free. We went to the regular expensive theater, not the two dollar theater to which we usually went.
About half an hour in to the movie my now husband suddenly stands up. He says, so the whole theater heard him, "Oh $@*&, I have work!" Then he runs out of the theater.
I proceed to seethe for the next hour, while watching the awful movie. I keep thinking that there is now way I am walking out of a movie that we just paid $13 dollars for me to see.
Now it is a story we laugh about and it's all good.
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I have had very good luck with this product http://www.medelabreastfeedingus.com/products/412/tender-care-hydrogel-pads for hurt nipples. It is remarkably soothing & does help healing sore. As far as during nursing, I want to reiterated that latch is so, so important.
Also I know a lot of people recommend feeding on both breasts at each feeding. I have never done this. I use one breast for each feeding, unless baby is particularly hungry and finishes one full breast & desires to continue.
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Coming out of lurkdom, to disagree with the majority. . .
Assuming everything you say is accurate (and I have no reason to doubt your story):
I think your actions were assertive, not aggressive. I think a mild confrontation can make people see their actions in a new light and possibly be the impetus to make them more careful. If not, oh well, I don't think a mild confrontation would make a person drive worse.
As far as it being dangerous, I personally don't live my life as though every random person is unbalanced. I think remaining calm, maintaining adequate personal space & confronting her in a public place were adequate safety precautions.
On the other hand I am a total pansy & probably wouldn't have even honked.
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My 3.5 ds stopped nursing at 2.5. He says he remembers.
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I also use the Green Mountain prefolds. I have been happy with them, but I haven't used any other prefolds.
As far as covers: I have been very happy with the Flip covers by Cotton Babies. I just buy the covers, not the Flip system inserts and use them to cover prefolds or fitteds. They are a one size cover, but fit very well on both my skinny & my chunky baby at a variety of ages. They have been very durable through 2 children.
I have also used bummis Superbrites & Thirsties covers. I like the Bummis Superbrites they velcro has held up well through 2 children. I would caution that they newborn size is tiny. I liked the Thirsties Duo with snaps, but prefer the Flip's fit. The velcro on the Thirsties Duo with velcro wore out before my first child had outgrown the diaper. I used the extra small Thirsties covers I liked them a lot for my first child, but again the velcro wore out with my second child.
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My Xavier gets his name pronounced like Zavier which bothers him because we pronounce it with the X (like Exavier).
This is interesting to me. My son's name is Xavier. We usually pronounce it Exavier, as you do. But sometimes people say Zavier & its never bothered me. I always thought it was an acceptable pronunciation like the whole tomayto/tomahto thing. The son in question is two so he doesn't care what people call him (he says his name is Daver).
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My name is Ananda. I always got called Amanda. I genuinely think people see what they expect to see as far as names. I actually like my name, but its a lot of trouble.
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This perspective astonishes me. I'm not willing for someone else (who very possibly does not have my personal best interests at heart) to decide when to pull the plug. If it truly were simply a matter of a dead body in a morgue, sure, take the organs, but someone else making the decision for my dh or dc, that there's someone who needs a ___________, so now's as good a time as any to declare me "dead"? No way, and I hope we never get to a place where those decisions are taken out of the hands of the people who love me, to be given to someone who may have another motive, or even a mercenary one. :001_huh:
I think you misunderstood, because I completely agree with everything you written. ;) I don't think doctors should make decisions on when to "pull the plug", those decisions should either be made by me (in the form of DNR's and living wills) or barring that, my next of kin. I don't think beyond questions of ineligibly, doctors should make the decision to donate or not donate organs.
In my more extreme view point, organ donation of dead people should be the default with individuals opting out because of religious beliefs or whatever. But obviously that isn't going to happen. . . When forced to operate in reality, I think if an deceased individual has decided to donate or not donate those directives should be followed without burdening the next of kin.
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I simply don't agree. It's a personal decision. People have very different feelings about this and IMO their loved ones SHOULD get the final say because they must LIVE with it. I'm dead. What do I care? But if my loved one is freaked out over the prospect then I want done what will make them most comfortable.
Go ahead and promote it as a good thing to make people comfortable with the idea, but certainly do not require and force it.
Fortunately for most people, I am not supreme ruler of the universe. I have no power over the decisions of others. If someone doesn't want their organs donated, I can respect that. What I am finding difficult to accept is that the desires of the prospective donor are apparently irrelevant. It is my body. Organ donation is a cause I feel strongly about. I should get to make the decision, not my distraught family.
So while I could get behind you on leaving it up to personal choice. I must strongly disagree that it should be left up to loved ones. My in laws have religious belief that would preclude organ donation, should I be able to donate their organs against their wishes? In the same vein, I think organ donors organs should be donated.
Loved ones have to deal with the death, organ donation aside. It isn't like being able to bury the deceased's organs will assuage the grief of their loss. Furthermore it seems cruel to place such an important decision on the shoulders of someone who has lost a close family member. They have to make the decision quickly and decisively; they can't wait for the shock of losing a loved on to wear off first. And you are right, that if we leave the decision up to next of kin they will have to live with the consequences of the choice, a choice they didn't have to make. I can totally see the scenario playing out where an organ donor dies in a car crash and the loved ones blindsided by the news that their beloved has died decide not to donate the organs because they can't make a decision like that. Then time passes, they come to acceptance over the death and they are left with the reality that they both ignored the desires of their loved one and unwittingly sentenced several people to death. I wouldn't think that guilt would be pretty.
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So you guys are saying that even though I am a registered organ donor, my next of kin can override that decision? :glare:
I feel very strongly that people's organs should be donated. If I was master overlord of the universe, people's organs would be automatically donated at death. I understand that most people disagree and think it should be personal choice and I respect that. I don't respect leaving the decision up to next of kin. I would think next of kin would be very upset at the death of a loved one and not in a good position to make long term decisions based on logic rather than their very strong emotions. I wouldn't trust the bereaved to make the right decision (whatever that is for the deceased). Also I think unnecessary decisions of that magnitude are unfair to leave to loved ones. This is why I registered to be an organ donor, so that that the decision would be taken out of the hands of my loved ones. Now I find that isn't the case. :confused:
So . . . is there some kind of legal paper work to put in place, so that my last wishes are followed? I want my organs donated. Full Stop. (I understand that may not be possible, because of circumstances surrounding my death.)
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I loved the arrangement we had in college, although I would do without the roommate. I would like:
communal bathrooms (with private shower stalls)
communal meals in a dinning hall type setting, buffet style
commons areas for kids to play, people to study quietly, groups to socialize & chit chat
music rooms to practice instruments
community buildings like the student union, the rec and the library
hired people to cook, clean, maintain building & grounds etc.
I would want a private room for my little family where we could leave the door open when we wanted to socialize with our neighbors, or close our door when we wanted to sleep or have privacy.
Basically, I want a kid/family friendly version of college.
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Something my husband brought up when we discussed this was that perhaps dictionaries teach people to spell in ways that spell check doesn't. Maybe having to use a physical book and spend more time in the process of finding the correct spelling helps the bad speller learn. I would be willing to try it. Honestly, I use dictionaries to find definitions for unfamiliar words. When writing, I use spell check. I don't refuse to use a dictionary; it just never occurred to me before now that a dictionary would be better than spell check. Spell check was more available, so I used it.
But, saying "I can't spell" and not using a dictionary, etc is more like refusing to use a calculator, despite making constant calculation errors.I don't think using a calculator is a solution to bad math. A person knows how to use a calculator and the calculator can multiply, that doesn't mean the person knows how to multiply. We insist that elementary students learn to do math without the calculator, so that they actually learn math, not how to use a calculator. My ability to produce a polished essay with MS Word, is a reflection on my ability to use spell check, not on my ability to spell. Ultimately the solution would to learn the process through which others spell correctly. This process escapes me.
No. But, if you use a dictionary every *other* day of your school career, then you will be less likely to make mistakes than you would have otherwise. You won't get counted down on your SAT essay for a few spelling errors, only if there are so many that is becomes a distraction.
As I said above, perhaps dictionaries work differently than spell check. I can honestly say, forcing myself to spell correctly when I have resources available hasn't helped me spell. Remove the spell check and I really and truly butcher simple words. No amount of proper spelling in prepared work, helps me to spell correctly in unprepared work.
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But you do do a good job of spelling and fixing it! Is the issue actually a lack of self-confidence that you're a good writer? Because you are a good writer. I get that you're having to do a lot of work to turn out a correctly spelled bit of writing, but work is part of writing well anyway. I never found spelling particularly challenging, but I still have to proof read and edit my writing all the time. Errors are going to happen.
I understand this, I write fine. I manage spelling when I have resources to help me: spell check, a dictionary to a certain extent, a friend who can spell. I guess I see it like doing math with a calculator, it can be a tool or a crutch. I rely on spell check to spell correctly. If assigned an essay to write over a weekend, I would spell correctly only because I have spell check; I have better spellers to help me proof read; I have resources to look spellings up. If instead I were given and in class essay with only by brain as a resource, it would be poorly spelled. I would never be the person to misspell when I could help it. But when all I have is the blue book and my own deficient faculties, not going to happen.
I figure the same is true of math. I have to really work at math to do well at it. Like, twice or three times harder than your average math person. However, just because others get math easier than I do doesn't mean they don't have to still work at it, and check their work.
Yes, I agree. What would you think of the person who could only do math with a calculator.
As far as sloppiness, I am sure that is the case for some. I think that is what people mean when they say the bad speller is just lazy or doesn't care to spell correctly.
And what you are judged by, in terms of spelling, is the finished product--not the rough draft!That's a good question. I would say write carefully and carry a big dictionary. ;)When the high school student is presented with the writing portion of the SAT, will he be allowed to bring his dictionary? If he were, would he have time to use it and still write a good essay?
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I think the issues with bad health care in the US are because we dont have univesal health care. We should have doctors clinics for every neighborhood so that, poor people can acess care the same as everybody else. Costs of care are extremly high and we have many children do not have care. It is unfortunete that the cant get to see a doctor.
The red words are misspelled words. The blue words are missing apostrophes. The orange words seem to be in incomplete thought; it is missing something. The punctuation is pretty atrocious, but that isn't the point, so I can ignore it for the moment.
The example is badly written on many fronts. I would never have written it, I don't struggle with grammar, punctuation & writing coherently. "The" for "they" is probably a typo, if it isn't, then, no, I don't spell that badly. That leaves "univesal", obviously it has an r; I might spell it universel. As I said access gave me trouble as well. "Extremely" took three tries before I guessed the correct spelling. Unfortunate I got correct first try but just as easily could have ended it nete. I also would have had trouble with "issues" or "neighborhood" which were spelled correctly in the example.
I don't know if I should complete for worst spelling. I have seen writing like: "I no peepul hoo rite werss then I du" or some such nonsense. I think those people probably have a learning disability. My point is that people can otherwise write well, yet still struggle with spelling.
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Interesting. I never hit a reading slump, I think I picked up phonics for reading intuitively. Is it possible that reading well as a young child might actually hinder learning spelling? I will have to think about that.
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Ananda, two things:
1. A lot of poor spelling today does have to do with poor literacy. Even if that was not the particular case with you!
Oh, I agree that poor literacy is the case for some. It is, but one piece of the puzzle. I think some people spell poorly because they are illiterate, or because they don't read. Some people are bad spellers because they don't think spelling is relevant so they don't bother out of apathy. Some people have bad spelling because they are lazy and don't bother to figure out correct spellings. For others, like me . . . I honestly don't know why I can't spell, or how to fix it.
2. You, like chepyl, seem like a very good speller to me. Frankly, I'm having difficulty here seeing you as a poor speller. Your posts are well-written and correctly spelled. You appear quite competent to me.
My posts are correctly spelled because I have spell check. Every time I finish typing a misspelled word, it is underlined in red. I correct all red words.
Perhaps Ester Maria and you are working off of different definitions of what constitutes "poor spelling?"
Maybe I should include a sample of what I'm talking about when I say I see poor spelling?
A typical response from a fellow college student to an assignment would frequently look like this:
I think the issues with bad health care in the US are because we dont have univesal health care. We should have doctors clinics for every neighborhood so that, poor people can acess care the same as everybody else. Costs of care are extremly high and we have many children do not have care. It is unfortunete that the cant get to see a doctor.Lest anyone think the above an exaggeration, that's what I saw every week in various college group assignments. Now, everyone is different, but the above example is, IMO, more frequently the result of educational deficiencies and poor literacy, than it is LDs. (Unless about 75% of my class had LDs. :tongue_smilie:)
Most of the offending words in your bad spelling example are missing apostrophes. I consider adding the apostrophe to conjunctions & possessives to be a matter of grammar. I don't struggle with grammar. I am sure many do, especially those that fall into the illiterate, apathetic or lazy groups. Apart from the grammar mistakes, I could have made any of the spelling errors in your example. "Acess" was misspelled in your example. I realized it was probably misspelled, so I typed it below to see if it would be underlined in red. It was. I tried "acsess", "accsess" and "access" one wasn't underlined in red, if they had all been in read I would have tried configurations with 'k's and 't's. I care enough to use spell check. Spell check isn't always there to help.
SWB has spoken about how increasingly rare it is that many of her students can even turn in the most basically sound paper, that is free from grammatical errors (meaning spelling, among other things). Either as a society, we have an epidemic of LDs, and various other issues that bar good spelling (and writing, and critical thinking skills, etc.), or we have a systemic problem in teaching the concept.
I tend to believe it's the latter cause in most cases.
Again, I agree that the schools are negligent in teaching grammar and spelling among other things. The schools should teach the basics better; they don't. What should the high school student do when he is faced with the fact that he can't spell and society expects it of him?
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Her argument is that a lot of people either do not know better, or they make excuses for poor spelling, rather than take the steps necessary to do learn better.
What steps do you suggest would lead to better spelling? I think perhaps people don't improve their spelling, because the honestly don't know how.
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I don't know, Ananda, I didn't take the message from Ester Maria's post that folks who have difficulty with spelling are lazy (although some of them are, for sure). Her rationale seems to be that most poor spelling habits owe themselves to deficiencies in foundational education. Several folks have mentioned that they never received instruction in phonics, nor were taught English word roots. I'm not sure, but I think a lot of schools barely touch on things like prefix, suffix, and without that base, spelling really can become a crapshoot.
I think "educational deficiencies" is a fair assessment. I entered school reading, so I was never taught phonics. Although, I think I have picked some of it up. The offending "rabit" would be pronounced rA-bit (long a), if I understand correctly. I was taught word roots, and I am sure that helps with spelling.
It is also fair to say that as a high school student, college student or adult, it is my responsibility to remediate my educational deficiencies. Perhaps my grade school teachers failed, but the onus is on me now. I feel it is an insurmountable obstacle alone.
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What about me not being a native speaker? :tongue_smilie: If anything, for not being a native speaker I should be MORE aware of some of the linguistic intricacies and the inconsistencies of English in terms of pronunciation and writing, rather than LESS, and thus appreciate MORE rather than LESS when somebody has a good written English because it was a less "natural" process for me to learn it.
I can see your point. I don't struggle with spelling in French. I always thought this was because French spelling is more logical than English. Perhaps, it is because I learned to write and speak French systematically and simultaneously?
And yet, I still believe you (general you, meaning English speakers) often blow the difficulty of your spelling out of proportions. Sometimes I have a feeling you treat it as a sort of a mystical skill than some individuals were born with and some were not, like a perfect pitch. I see it more like varying levels of natural affinity, but the vast majority of which can attain good results, exactly like in music - not everyone will have a perfect pitch, but few people cannot be musically educated because they lack affinity to that level (and yes, I have met such individuals - for one of them Latin metrics at school was a torture because she just could not get into it, no matter how much she practiced, and she could also not sing either, at all, a total inability to distinguish between different length and height of notes, etc.). Now, spelling is not music, because unlike music, everybody needs it - and yet I see so many people treating it exactly like that, as though there was this magical GREAT number of people who just "lack a feeling for it". I think individuals like that (and you may be one of them) are few and far between, definitely not all who claim to be or who mask their lack of effort and literacy by saying it is "just not their forte". THAT is what irks me, not the cases of individuals who genuinely cannot process it, like that classmate could just not get music, no. matter. what.
Obviously, I disagree here. Why connect spelling to literacy? I hate to keep using myself as an example, but this is personal to me. I was one of those little kids who spontaneously read at three or four. As a child, I was always one of the best readers in the class. I have always read voraciously. I don't think spelling has a thing to do with reading. Reading Watership Down didn't magically confer the ability to spell rabbit on me. To be fair, I don't know how much worse my spelling would be if I wasn't a reader. I grant that for some people, reading might improve spelling.
As far as effort, perhaps you could shed some light on how exactly hard work can bring about good spelling, because I truly haven't seen it. As I said, I write out various spellings to try to ascertain which might be correct. But ultimately, I guess. The only way I see effort impacting my spelling, in the moment, is if I was writing haphazardly and not paying attention to my spelling. I am sure some people spell badly because they don't care to write carefully. If I honestly don't know which of several possible spellings is correct how do you suggest I proceed.
I wonder if you mean some kind of systematic effort over the course of years to become a better speller. There I am at a loss as well. Spelling instruction in public school for me consisted of weekly lists of twenty words. I would always memorize the twenty words and ace the test. It didn't translate into better spelling. When I was twenty-two, I bought Spell to Write and Read. At that time SWR was what the hive mind recommended for older bad spellers. I diligently tired to follow the program, but I guess I needed more hand holding. I understand how to use phonics to decipher the pronunciation of a written word, I can't reverse the process. How do I know which of several possible phonograms for a sound to choose? What about all the exceptions? Do I have to memorize them? I honestly don't see how I can learn to spell through sheer effort. I realize others can do it, but the mechanism escapes me.
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Some people truly can not spell. It isn't a matter of hard work. It isn't a matter of reading more. Hard may not mean impossible, but can't also doesn't mean won't.
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I spell terribly. I am bright, academic & quite well-educated. Both of my college educated parents & my brother can't spell either. Could it be genetic? I don't think intelligence, effort or education has made much impact for any of us.
I use spell check carefully & immediately correct any red squiggly words. I have friends proof read papers for errors spell check may have missed. But there has always been the in class essay test to blow my cover.
I don't think it is cute, necessarily. But I don't think it should be a big deal. Circling fifty misspellings of rabbit in 10th grade an announcing to the class that Ananda wrote "rabit" will shame me into learning one word. Now I can confidently spell rabbit, big deal there are millions of other words to misspell. I understand that it is truly difficult for the even moderately good spellers to understand how I truly can't do it. Mocking isn't constructive.
I guess Ester Maria's words hit a sour chord with me because she is not a native English speaker. I immediately flashed back to a conversation with an Austrian English professor in college. I had of course tortured the English language in the in class essay. He called me out on it in front of then entire class, "This would have been a good essay, had you bothered to spell correctly." I asked him what did he mean, "bother." His answer made it clear to me that he honestly thought it was laziness. Laziness! How dare he, does he know how much time I took out to scribble possible spellings on little slips of paper to see which looked best. I was constantly passing up good words for much lesser choices simply because there was greater chance I would spell the lesser word correctly, but realize I can't spell rabbit. It is an exercise in futility.
I think bad spelling can be an isolated ill. It doesn't reflect on my character, I would work hard to learn to spell if I had even a modicum of aptitude. It doesn't reflect on my intelligence except in that one area. I am actualized about my spelling. I hate that people might mistake me for uneducated.
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I have a just turned two year old boy. He neither can count, nor knows the value of 3. Hope that helps.
Buying a harp...
in The Chat Board
Posted
I didn't take Suzuki harp lessons. I started harp in 4th grade using a rented lever harp. After a year, I received my own harp, still a lever harp (5 octaves). I usually used a pedal harp at lessons. I played for five years, and never had a problem using a lever harp. I didn't find it difficult to switch between the lever harp at home & the pedal harp at lessons. A small number of pieces had to be rearranged to play on the lever harp. In my case a smaller harp was preferable, because I had to transport the harp between home and school several times a week for band. I can't imagine regularly transporting a pedal harp. The school planned to rent me a pedal harp for high school, but I quit after 8th grade.