mykdsmomy
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Posts posted by mykdsmomy
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Thank you to everyone who responded. I truly appreciate all of your input!
Has he had any formal evals for things like ADHD and/or mood disorders? I ask as very often kids with FAS have bio parents that were self medicating a mental health issues---which is genetic and can be passed down to the child.The walking on eggshells thing is SOOOOOO familiar here. For us, the underlying issue was bipolar but it could be a host of other things as well.
We (and his dev ped) are pretty certain there is a mood disorder there as well as the ADHD (although the ADHD behavior goes hand in hand with FASD and as you know, it's difficult to know what is coming from where). He just started Abilify and Buspar this past week. The Lamictal caused him too much tummy pain :( He is still on Clonidine for night time (sleeping). He has tried so many meds and nothing yet has seemed to really "work". I'm hopeful this new combo will help even things out. (although I realize it's not going to "fix" everything)
It is certainly EASIER for PARENTS when our kids do stuff just because we told them they have to. But for me, easy parenting is not the goal. The goal is independence for my child. For my dd, it is "rewarding" to please her parents, so she is happy to do a lot of things just because I told her she has to. Especially if I show her that I am pleased with her after she does whatever it is. Ds is not motivated by that. He's just not. (Although he is starting to be at least a little bit, which just tickles me to no end.) If he is not motivated by intrinsic enjoyment of the task, or by pleasing an authority figure, then I have to find some other motivation. I could use threats and punishment, but with this child that does not compute. Honestly. He does not make the connection between an action and a punishment. I know that sounds weird considering he can explain the theory of relativity relatively well, but that's the way it is. Natural consequences do work to a large extent, but anything beyond an actual, traceable consequence that clearly stems from his action does not compute. For example, he would understand having to clean up a spill as a consequence of having been the one to make the mess. He would not understand losing computer privileges as a consequence of spilling it on purpose. Rewards, on the other hand, actually work. The NATURE of the rewards has shifted over time, but they are what works best to motivate him. When he was younger he did not CARE if he grew up to be independent or not. That was just not part of his mental processes. He spent rather a lot of time in fight or flight mode and saw a lot of things as threatening in one way or another. Rewards had to appeal at a pretty basic level to "register". Something related to his special Aspie interests worked best. Sometimes we had to get creative. But after trying any number of parenting techniques it became very clear to us that IF we wanted his cooperation in ANY DEGREE, then we had to use rewards to get it. It was the only channel where the messages got all the way through to him.
Yes, eventually I want him to do things for more mature reasons. I want him to see being independent as "rewarding", in and of itself. I want him to see getting along with other people as "rewarding". I want him to find learning to be "rewarding" for its own sake. And he has made remarkable progress in that direction. He now does his math, for example, because he sees value in being able to calculate things in his life and doesn't "like" being stuck when faced with a problem. But in order to get to that point, we had to start by giving him one chocolate chip (or other small treat) per problem, because that was the ONLY way to get him to do it. In order to get him to do a thing for the "right" reasons, we find it works best to first get him to DO the thing. Then work on the reasons. The ability to do a thing, and the motivation for doing it are two different skills, and sometimes need to be worked on separately.
I know other kids are different and don't work that way, but I'm totally with you. If rewards are what works, use them. Then wean off them. It has worked wonders at our house.
(I should add that this is all within a fairly structured environment, but I'm out of time so...sorry...)
Yes!!!! Ds rarely gets the connection between his action and the consequence. (even natural consequences are lost on him at times). Negative consequences are like putting lighter fluid on a forest fire :( Thank you for understanding :)
I'm totally with you, too. I've always thought that just because such-and-such necessarily affects the way adults do things, that does NOT mean a six-year-old has to start doing it that way or he'll never succeed in the adult world. This kind of logic leads to things like kids "practicing" standardized testing in kindergarten, when many of them can't read, or visually align numbers in an answer column with the bubbles.I also figure that if the point is for a child to actually learn something, what on earth is the problem with working with his preferences for markers or stamps instead of pencils, or manipulatives before abstract worksheets, or any other one of the bizarrely inflexible demands some professionals make that little kids conform and do things their way? If we say, "I need to have a cup of coffee before I can tackle that item on my list," would any sane person think to tell us we have to learn to do what jobs we're given without any of that pandering to our desires first?
And you know what? We're the ones who live with these kids 24 hours a day, who deal with the meltdowns caused by someone else's rigidity or unthinking approach, who know the individual signs of coming disengagement before someone who sees the kid half an hour twice a week does.
It's really difficult to know that someone else is thinking you're a pushover or a parent who doesn't know how to be firm. But you KNOW that's not the case. Others in your situation know it too. If you can, I'd sit down with the OT and have a long talk about keeping the teaching methods consistent with what has been working for your child rather than imposing different conditions. Have it written into his IEP at the next meeting, too. Then you can simply pull out the IEP and show whoever else comes into the picture that this is the agreed upon procedure.
Thank you!!! I definitely think we need to make an amendment to the IEP about the positive rewards approach. I know the RSP teacher will back me up because she is seeing the results and is pleased.
Judy, you rock! You know your kid and you know your facts about FASD. I think you are doing an awesome job. Listening to you talk about your child, what motivates him, and how HE hears things speak very clearly to how much you love your child, how much time you have spent getting to know him, and how you work to understand the world through his eyes. You are doing a great job and he is benefitting from all your hard work.I too am parenting a child with FASD and understand the unique issues an FASD individual faces. We do have to parent them differently - they are different - they have sustained a brain injury. I also understand the struggle to parent one child one way and other children another way. I wish I had an answer that would make you (and me) not worry about it. But I think the fact that you are aware of it and constantly evaluating it is a good sign.
Finally, I agree whole heartedly with your comments about picking your battles. A very wise mom who is also parenting several FASD kids told me that when she is making parenting decisions she first focuses on how her actions will affect her relationship with her child. She found that correcting every behavior and turning everything into a contest of wills was damaging her relationship with her child. She found that once she began working as the child's advocate their relationship improved and so did the child's behavior. For example, when a child begins to feel agitated or not want to engage in an activity, instead of threatening, she says to the child, "Talk to me about what is wrong. I see that you don't want to X. What can I do to help you?" Sometimes it is so easy - the child might say "I don't like the way those pencils smell, or I don't like the way that chair makes me leave forward." She found that many times it wasn't really the task that the child was opposed to but something else entirely - something that was quite easy to fix.
This simple change in tactics has saved my relationship with my daughter. It's not perfect. Every day still presents challenges. But I truly believe my daughter knows I am on her side and want her to succeed. I am now a source of comfort - not a source of agitation.
I hope this helps. I didn't really mean to write so much.
Your post brought me to tears :blushing: Thank you for the kind words!!! Every day I try my hardest to work on our relationship. I tried explaining to all of the providers that I've been building trust with ds6 since he was 8 days old and he STILL has a hard time trusting me. They can't expect to just walk in and have him cooperate 100%. The school was hesitant to enroll ds when they read all of his reports and evaluations. They kept telling me they thought he would do better in a brick and mortar school :001_rolleyes: BTDT which is why we're homeschooling. I know what he needs because we've tried other avenues and they didn't work. He is progressing at home and while it may not be as fast as the school would like, it IS happening. So thank you so much for your encouraging words. I really really really needed to hear them :)
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We use a public charter school as an umbrella for ds6. He has an RSP teacher come in 2x a week. I really love her and she's been able to get him to work by rewarding him with "prizes" when he does his work and stays on task.
When she first started coming (prior to the prizes), he would NOT stay on task. He would walk away and refuse to work or start flipping out when he even heard her car pull up.
Ok so fast forward to this last Sat. His OT showed up (he has two. I like them both but this particular OT is not as "patient" with ds). She walks in and right away starts expecting ds to just sit down and start working. Well, he doesn't want to do what she has planned (writing letters) so she starts telling him sort of sternly that he needs to sit down and do his work. He then starts to shut down and I can tell where this is all headed. I step in and give him two choices of what he can do "letters in the workbook or letters on paper". Then he says "can I go get my new stamps" and she says "No!". He starts melting again. Finally I get him to calm down by offering him some of his markers and making him a snack to eat while he does his work. He says "if I do my work can I get a prize?" I tell him yes but only if he finishes his work. So then I can tell that the OT thinks I'm the biggest permissive/mushy parent EVER.
It was like pulling teeth to get him to finish and at one point, she tells him "If you don't finish this, you won't get your prize" but the tone she used was what he would consider "hostile".
I finally told him after he finished his letters that he could be done (she had 15 minutes left in the session but honestly he was done). After he left the room, she says, "don't you think he should learn that he just HAS to do these things without rewards all the time?...eventually he will need to live by society's rules and not be rewarded for good behavior".
Ok, I totally get what she's saying because honestly, I think the same things sometimes. However, I tried to explain to her that we have three other children that we have used traditional parenting methods with and they have worked! Our ds is DIFFERENT. It's a miracle if I can get him to sit for 5 minutes at a non preferred task. He has huge amounts of anxiety that come across as defiance when he's stressed. I tried to explain that with FASD, traditional behavioral mod doesn't always work. It's not a matter of "you have to do this or else this is the consequence". Ds doesn't "get" that. We walk on eggshells a lot of the time. We pick and choose our battles. We take it one day at a time. Yes, it looks like he gets a LOT of rewards and he gets WAY more grace than the other children but so far this is the only thing that sort of kind of works for him. I've tried digging my heels in on most matters and found that it just made things worse. I save my heel digging for important issues that involve safety.
I guess this is mostly a vent but I'm also wondering if any of you feel like to outsiders you are "permissive" with your SN child? (particularly those with FASD or ASD)
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This is tough :( I have a small barking dog. I also have a loud special needs son who rages often :(
One time I left our house and locked the security screen but didn't shut the main door because it was 100 degrees outside and I didn't want to walk back into an oven. I was gone with the kids for maybe an hour...and when I got back, my neighbor basically chewed me out saying that my "GD dog barked the entire time I was gone". I was so taken aback by his anger that I wound up sobbing for over an hour. I felt bad that she was barking that long...and the last thing I wanted was to be a nuisance neighbor :( (especially since the tenants before us would leave their dogs in the backyard for days and they would bark non stop :(
I am super hyper vigilant when it comes to letting our dog outside now. She's inside 80% of the time and when we do let her outside in the morning, if she barks one time, we bring her back inside (even that stresses me out). When we leave to go somewhere, I even close the front windows (in case she jumps on the couch and looks out the window and sees a dog) so she doesn't bark at passers by.
Our dog is unfortunately a barker :( We've tried the sonic noise barker thing, we've done squirt bottles, etc....and she STILL barks when she sees a dog walk by our house. I hate that she does it and honestly, it has me on pins and needles that at any time our neighbor could come back over and yell that she's barking (even though it's only for a few seconds at a time now). :(
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We're with Sky Mountain too and I LOVE it!!!! I still have one foot in the door at K12 (for my ds10) but after this year, all of our children will be with Sky Mountain. It's very flexible and they have been super accommodating to my son's special needs.
Here is the website to get more info if you'd like :)
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Feeling totally lame here but what is a PSP? I live near OC so hopefully I can help you out :)
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I'm having a similar problem. I've lost quite a bit of weight but my stomach still has that same "shape" (bulge) I hate it because to me I look the same :( I don't see the weight loss at all but I know it's there because of the scale and because I'm down 8 sizes. I think I'd be a size smaller if it weren't for just my stomach. :( I don't know if you've looked into the stretchier jeans but those seem to work better for me. They have a little bit of lycra in them (not much...and not Jeggings). I bought a few pairs from the Thrift store and they are NYC brand. I really like them :)
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I haven't had a chance to read the other responses but one of my favorite ways to answer a similar question (depending on my mood) is:
stranger: "Oh he must look like his father"
me: "Yeah, I have no idea who his father is"
(it's the truth since we don't know who he is)
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Thanks everyone :) I'll stick with it for a while. I notice they have Starbucks giftcards too :)
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I signed up last night and have 87 SB so far....I just wonder if I can really make it worth my while? Anyone do it successfully? I also signed up to do some surveys with other sites. I would love to be able to make a few hundred dollars a month between the both of these but I realize that's probably aiming too high?
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double post ...sorry :001_huh:
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I can't believe you haven't tested yet. We're all waiting, you know.
:iagree::toetap05:
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I can cook, I'd just rather stick rusty nails in my eyeballs than spend time in my kitchen.
(I am seriously trying to change this)
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Yes, they are the tops of nightstands and dressers where junk accumulates. I usually only use a wet cloth, but I am going to try some oxyclean this time. I haven't been able to clean the couches yet though.
Got it, thanks!
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The internet is still fairly young so I like to think of us as pioneers in a great new land ;)
That said, I absolutely spend way too much time online. It's a great escape for me but it's also therapeutic and informational as well. It's finding the right balance that is difficult.
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I want to, but I am recovering from pneumonia and everything is giving me coughing fits.
So, I will clean what I can and leave the rest for another day.
Dawn
No cleaning for you :ohmy: Get rest and lay low! I'll still be cleaning and decluttering by the time you're well ;)
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You need to change your siggy now ;) your surprise bundle came early :)
Enjoy the babymoon but call/email me when you need help :) I can come over one night and clean for you (it's my selfish way to meet my new "niece" ;) )
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I didn't get as much done today as I had hoped but at least the boys' room is clean! The living room looks better already because I took all the toys out of there and put them back in the boys room.
Contractor bags are my friend....I can load them up with trash and larger items that wouldn't fit in regular garbage bags!
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Wow, I'm so excited I'm not doing this alone :) I just went through the boys room with ds6 and was able to get rid of 2 garbage bags of junk! He is somewhat obsessed with tiny toys so there was a ton of oddball type toys that could not be categorized ;)
He told me while I was sorting through them "mommy, I get bored with my toys and want new ones but when I get new toys, I get bored with those too". :001_huh:
We're taking a break for lunch (pizza ;) ) then I'm back at it.
I'm going to make pictures of the toys and put them on the drawer/bin they belong in to help with clean up :)
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Oh, yes. I started yesterday. I do this often enough now that it doesn't take so much time. I used to think that decluttering and organizing would last longer though.
I have done the pantry, cereal/cracker cabinet, desk drawers and book shelves, & oven. Today I want to tackle my closet, flat spots in my bedroom, lost sock bin, bathrooms, and clean the couches.
Are the flat spots in your bedroom dressers and things that accumulate junk?
Also, do you mind me asking how you clean your couches? I need to do mine too...and I usually just take the covers off and wash them but I need to do the arms too and have no idea how to do it without leaving soap residue?
Thanks :)
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We technically have off this week from school (although I haven't told the kids that ;) ) So I want to do a deep organize/simplify/declutter/clean.
I have no idea how/where to begin but I made a list of things that need to be done so I think I'll start there :) I am purging toys, clothes (that don't fit) and putting everything in it's place!!!
If we can live without it, it's going in the trash or to Goodwill!!!
Time to clear out the junk and prepare our home for a non stressful holiday season :) No clutter!!!!!
Oh and all the curriculum is getting sorted and organized once and for all!!!
Anyone with me? :tongue_smilie:
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I can relate :grouphug: My parents have given us money (without us asking) many many times just to help out. I appreciate that....but there always seems to be a price :glare:
It's all about walking on eggshells around her. My dad is powerless when it comes to her. He has always been super kind, gentle and supportive of us. He has to live with her every day and it's really hard. My oldest sister recently had to move back with my parents and she has had nothing but health problems since she moved back. Her stomach is a disaster and I know it's from my mom.
My mom has to control EVERYTHING and everybody. She is not happy unless she is stressing about someone or something! Nobody has it as bad as her. Recently I had a huge health scare and guess who was the "most" stressed over it? Yep, my mom :001_huh: She just couldn't sleep or eat. She was just so worried. It always goes back to how it affects her.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this but I truly do understand :grouphug:
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Thank you both! It seems like it adds more steps to math (more to memorize) but I can also see how it helps with visualization of math. hmmmm
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I realize these are two different questions but I am looking into different methods of teaching ds6 the basics in math and phonics right now. His RSP teacher (she comes to our house) suggested Touch Math. Has anyone had any success with this method on their child who has memory/retrieval problems?
Also, has anyone ever used songs as a method to help their dc learn/retain certain concepts like letters, sounds, math, social etiquette?
This is the website : http://www.singtolearn.com/singtolearn/home.html
TIA for any input :)
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Thank you for sharing this. I've recently looked into this for my ds6. He has storage/retrieval problems and it's been painfully slow learning his letters. We're working on sounds but I'd love something like this to help him remember his sounds :)
Itchy's alphabet looks good....Is it one of the more popular sites for mneumonic letter teaching?
Knott's Berry Farm?
in General Education Discussion Board
Posted
I agree with the pp's. D-land is by far superior to Knotts and personally I think Knotts has gone downhill since they changed hands...but it's still fun (especially if you're more into fast rides/etc). Have fun!!!