Thank you all so very much! My daughter had her lesson today, and I did not mention what happened at all. I already know she was talking about and pointing at my daughter because had her daughter been competing in her events, she would have had her eyes on her and wouldn't have been speaking to the other woman. My only hope is that she is trying to engage people who think like me. They will eventually distance themselves, too. I really regret my daughter being in certain scenarios with this woman. I've made it clear with my daughter that at the next competition, she is not to be around this woman's daughter and that we will remove ourselves because "they are not good people to be around." I do wonder if the coach has an idea about this woman because though we've gotten the brunt of it, she has been aggressive with another by my witnessing.

Thank you all. That’s just it, what would be the outcome? Probably nothing. I think I won’t say anything. I’ve already made changes this year to avoid her during lesson times, thus reducing the times I’m in her presence.

Last year, I stopped talking to a woman whose daughter is coached by my daughter’s coach. She spoke ill of others and was also a bit aggressive, asking my daughter to perform for her. She made a comment to me about my daughter’s practicing, and well, the list goes on. Over the weekend, we went to the same competition. Her daughter came up to us and spent the day around my daughter, me, and another student of the coach’s. It was awkward. At the end of the day, the little girl pushed my daughter and another child to get her award. It was crowded, but it was rude. Anyway, in reviewing a video of my daughter performing a solo event, the woman is whispering and repeatedly pointing— it appears to be directed towards my daughter. I sent the video to someone else because at this point, I’m paranoid. The other person agreed with me. There’s no law against watching, but nobody else is doing this. The two girls are competition at times. Should I let it go? This woman is living in my head. I no longer enjoy going to these things because of her. I hoped the problem would take care of itself such as by someone else saying something. I’m afraid saying anything will just make me look bad.

ha ha I will need to get one! Perhaps when he is all lit up, so that will be tomorrow when I drive at night again!

Too funny. lol I like the old school Grinch best, followed by the somewhat recent animated Grinch that came out. I just hope nobody thinks we are all Grinches. haha!

Our town got a new sign. Someone thought a lit up Grinch would be the perfect addition to the light display. He’s hugging our town sign. I’m not sure what to think. It seems a little odd, lol.

Both. And she was invited to this little girl’s birthday party, so I worry she might feel bad. But it is hard to imagine that language used in a group, too. That’s crazy about those adults in your home!

I haven't been on a whole lot with my father's recent passing, but I'm back to thinking about trivial things for a while. How do you handle when your homeschooled kid thinks someone is their best friend, but that child has a whole other life at a brick-and-mortar school, is involved in multiple activities, and the parent even references that child having a "best friend" to you? My daughter met this little girl through her sport, and they will be performing a routine this year together in competition. I think they are two peas in a pod, but there is also another little girl who is the third pea in the pod, lol. They all just get along really well. I just don't want these phrases to hurt anyone's feelings, so I think I should tell my daughter to be careful using it, too. They are 8 and 9 year olds.

No, I am definitely NOT prepared to do life on my own with four children logistically or financially. If he wants to be divorced from me, he can take those steps. And if he does - I think he would come to find doing life on his own, even part of the time, with four children would also be difficult for him. I have a master's degree, graduate certificate, and real estate license, but I haven't worked in a very long time. I don't think I'd be leaving a marriage with very much in the end, but I would cope with whatever I had to cope with---it wouldn't be a shock to me to end up in that situation. For now, that is it: if I am not consulted or even asked, I am not doing it. The cousin vs. funeral thing is just ridiculous in my mind. He's definitely someone who has always put his family first and their feelings above me with a ton of gaslighting. Because my own family situation was broken, I think he thought he found someone who would be happy in this scenario. The kids can go on the family trip this winter, but I do think I will stay home with the dog. It's always it might be his mom's last this or that. I've been hearing that for years. I am 42 and am paralyzed in my marriage because his family.

Honestly, I don't care if he goes hunting. It is a very expensive hobby, and though it isn't my thing, as long as I do eat meat, I just go along with it. I just don't think I should be required to visit with his cousin, a visit planned by others, on my daughter's birthday, without him. It's not like I never see his mother--she lives next door. I see her plenty. I'm certainly not choosing to not ever see her. I have given his family 13 years of my life--so many days, weekends, trips, gatherings, etc. I have few memories made by my husband and me with and without our children. If I told him we are going on the same trip for 10 days with my brother's family, I think he would be mortified. Of course, that will never happen because I'd never expect that. Before we got married, I never thought to ask if I'd have to do their family vacations every single year. Till this day, nobody has asked. He said that his comment about the funeral was to "give me a taste of my own medicine" with regard to his cousin's visit, a cousin he never talks to. We all know this isn't the same. It is hurtful, but maybe I should just go by myself and be done with it. I told him, "you said what you said." I am at the point of being okay with saying no. I am going to tell him I am tired of being in a marriage where I am not put first by him, we aren't put first as a couple to ourselves, etc. I am going to tell him I'm going to put myself first since he certainly isn't. He can either change, stay the same, or divorce me. But I'm just not doing this any more. I didn't marry him. It turns out I married his family, and he never detached to make a family of his own. Nobody would put up with this. Whatever we had in the beginning has deteriorated over the years because of all of this. Yes, you should be there for a spouse when a parent dies, regardless of the circumstances. You just don't say certain things, and I think what he said is different from what I am saying. His mother and sister can have their time with his cousin. I am rambling so much. Thank you all for making me feel more sane!

My ill MIL watched the kids. He went plowing (done with harvest). I wondered if he didn't offer because he was confused about the severity, but here is the kicker: I texted him from Chicago telling him my father had passed. When I got home from Chicago, the kids came home from nextdoor. He was still at work---plowing. I'm sorry, he could have at least been there when I got home. It was about 7PM. Now his cousin whom I've never met is coming into town to "say goodbye" to his aunt and mother, who both have cancer the first weekend in December. It happens to have been arranged by his sister. He may or may not be there because it is another hunting weekend, and I better not be mad because "I wouldn't like grocery store receipts" without the meat. I was told she wants to meet me and the kids, but honestly, I don't see why I need to be involved in this when it is a busy weekend. Nobody asked me. My daughter's birthday is one day, and the next, she has a sports clinic. I am being gaslighted. He said he wouldn't go to my dad's funeral if I didn't meet his cousin---all because I said I wanted to "celebrate my daughter's birthday." He said sometimes we had to do things we didn't want to do. But this has been going on long before his mom has been sick. I've never liked going to MN, we had arguments about it since 2010. And I am sorry, she had breast cancer several years ago and has been battling this for two years. I feel like my own life is passing me by in a way. My husband just had his own birthday, and I actually thought he was a year younger. I was so out of it, and that was so stupid of me, but sometimes I do feel frozen in time. They just make plans for me. Because his mom is dying, for years, I have to come last.

That's what bothered me--it had rules and spelling exercises, yet it was recommended we have a separate curriculum. I didn't want to confuse the kids or have it all be too much. It still looks wonderful in many ways.

I'll have to check that out. Her resources were previously recommended to me, but I didn't know about the new LA program!

I looked a lot at CP, from Primer levels to middle school levels. I just didn’t do it because it said you still needed separate curriculums, such as spelling. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. 🤷‍♀️ I am using Evan-Moor for grammar, a vintage speller, and classic living books. I also decided to get Imitation in Writing, so we are not full on CM. I think I’m too scattered to make that work.

Once I had four, I stopped feeling the desire for any more. That grows stronger every year. Four is really hard for me. But I think it all depends on your situation.

Thank you all so, so very much. I feel bad I didn’t make the effort to visit him. He really did try to be better in these last years. He suffered, probably most of the time, alone. Even my husband would say to go, but it was just easier not to. I really think my mother was the root of his problems. My brother still speaks to her at times, out of guilt. He told me she referred to me as staring like an “idiot” when reminiscing on a kindergarten evaluation. So maybe the wall I built wasn’t because he was bad; it was because she made life unbearable for him. Anyway, when I did see him, I never took pictures of him. He took many of us. I just feel so sad. Yes, a counselor may be in order. I can never go back. 😞

I live in rural Illinois and drove to Chicago, where my dad was hospitalized. My brother and his wife told him they were going to meet me in the lobby, and by the time we made it back upstairs, he had passed. He'd spent 8 years in and out of hospitals from cancer complications. I didn't have the closest relationship with him as my parents were divorced, but he definitely tried to make amends. I hadn't seen him since March 9, 2020. I should have gone to visit. I just struggled with my own thoughts. I don't know if my husband was confused what was happening but I made the trip to and from the hospital by myself--by the Grace of God, though I am not sure my farmer husband could navigate those parts of Chicago (I did for many years). As you know from my other posts, his mom has pancreatic cancer. We haven't even seen the worst of what may happen, though I want to be hopeful, and honestly--I'm sure it was hard for her to know my dad just passed, knowing she is fighting a battle for her health, too. I hate this decade of life. 😞 I still have young children, but we have aging parents. I wish I had my children younger, but what can you do? All I can do is try to take care of myself. My poor dad. I could hear him crying over the phone when they called me yesterday, and I knew I had to go. 😞 The nurse told me he waited until he knew I'd gotten there safely. 😞 He was 66. I want to be a Christian, but sometimes I really question it all with how awful human suffering can be.

Does anyone use an outdoor heater? How well do they work? I am not sure I have ever been outside with one running. Can you create a warm space on a patio with one and wind blocks? I live in Illinois.

Well, he usually says it's about the kids. But all of our trips are "water" vacations of some sort, and we have a pool in the back yard. We also have a lot at a gated community with access to a beautiful pool, diving board, and water slide. So I don't feel this is necessary, lol. I'm trying not to be mean, considering his mom's health. I think it has just been this way for so long, and the fact his mom is sick shouldn't have anything to do with it, but now it will. I am rarely asked. I am just told. Ugh. But I love the idea of him going with everyone... ha ha

Thank you all for your comments and input. It was a rough week, being sick with colds. I told my husband today I didn't want to go on the winter trip. He asked if I felt that way, even if his mother was feeling well enough to go. Then he asked how the kids would feel about it. Granted this was in a text message, but we don't really see each other without the kids around. So, I just didn't answer. The fact is, I am going to be the "bad guy" for not wanting to spend more time with his family away, with his mother being sick. I didn't plan this trip. I am just always expected to go along with things. Maybe that does make me evil and cruel. But I honestly just do not want to do it. Being cooped up in a hotel for two days with a kiddie water park doesn't sound fun to me. Maybe it is some people's dream winter getaway, but I feel like it will be the same dynamic. Me with them, waiting to go home. Oh well.

So the fact we are all sick from the germs she brought prompted me to post this. She’d mentioned how much sickness was floating around at her school where she teaches, and the kids said she was coughing more than usual. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened. Once, she found out my niece had Covid and still came down! She does stay nextdoor, but it’s still a disruption in our lives. She doesn’t take advantage of us or anything like that… just too much all the time…she likes to make sure her kids get farming opportunities. It’s just my entire social life seems to be around them. Multiple weekends, weekdays, and vacations. I don’t even feel like my husband uses my labor for the MN trip; it’s just more time we’re not really interacting with each other and are around the in-laws if we are together. Once at a restaurant on vacation, he didn’t even sit with me and the kids and then made a remark about how I didn’t order the kid drinks—I’d thought he had. I feel like one day that will be me—tears, with the inability to get into vehicle on the way to a vacation. I just know few other women would do this, yet he paints me as the bad guy. I thought if we didn’t live nextdoor, we could be more of a unit. I can’t see a way out without a fight. I agree it’s wrong to tell be I’ll regret this when MIL passes, but maybe she’ll also live a long time, and I’ll have wasted so many years being unhappy. Probably just in time for my middle aged ailments.

He always says how much he wants me to go, but I feel like I do a lot of sitting around and waiting for him while he is out fishing, then I feel obligated to socialist with them for 10 days straight. We tow a boat, and he is very opposed to bringing two vehicles, so I just always feel kinda trapped. It's the middle of nowhere Minnesota. It's on a reservation, and honestly, that depresses me--the white people own the resorts, and the resorts are surrounded by burned down homes and poverty. It's sad. Correct. We are not aligned or bonded these days when it comes to how we spend our free time or what the kids do. 😞 He is not into kid extracurriculars at all, even with the boys. I do think we need to work on having fun in our relationship, too. Everything revolves around them, and I thought moving might put up a physical barrier at least in daily life.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts! Re: the Minnesota trip. I have been going on this trip since 2010. Almost every year, it has resulted in some kind of fight before or during the trip. He points out all the reasons why it's a great trip for our family and how much the kids love it, basically discrediting my reasons for not wanting to go. I do wonder how much this will all last. Of course, I want my MIL to pull through, but my husband has already said I will regret what I've had to say about the Minnesota trip when she passes away. I've not said much about this upcoming Christmas trip for that reason. But I start to feel sad when I realize I am almost 43, and my younger days are limited to--and I'm not even very young. When we were dating and even married early on, I guess I never thought that it would be an annual thing. I never even thought to ask, and I am not sure I was ever told. I'm going to need make a schedule. But yes, sometimes I just want downtime and privacy. I don't want to be busy just to avoid the togetherness. I'd probably go on that after Christmas trip with just my own family, but my only excuse for not going with all of them is I do not want to be around them so much, and that is not good enough for them. I'm not sure how to articulate that to them.

We have lived nextdoor to my in-laws for over 10 years now. It has reached the point that for me, the negatives outweigh the positives. My husband farms with his dad, and our lives are very intertwined. I have written how my children basically feel they live at both houses, and we have struggled with boundaries. My husband has a tendency to side with his family and to disregard the value of my feelings over theirs; maybe that is because he never really left and made a life of his own. His mother has been fighting pancreatic cancer for two years. But my sister-in-law's family visits often. Well, excluding her husband--he stays home, and I get that! Sometimes it is one of them, two of them, or the whole family. There were three separate visits from their family members this last month. Next there will be Thanksgiving together, and then she is planning to come back a week later. A week later is my daughter's birthday weekend, and they have been trying to make plans for things to do that weekend over me. Now, when they visit, they spend the night--or usually multiple nights. So, the kids think it is always a big party. I feel like my life is always getting disrupted, and since they work in schools and go to school, germs are always flying our way. I understand wanting my sister-in-law wanting to visit her mother. She always makes these sappy social media posts about "helping them," but really, she just unwinds and had an outing with friends this past weekend. Adding to the madness, is a "getaway" trip to a neighboring state with all of them, a day after Christmas. I don't want to go. It's too much togetherness for me. It's not that they are all horrible people, I just feel like our lives are not our own. My eldest son even said he wished we could do more as just our own family. We also go to Minnesota in the summer altogether for 10 days. Again, just too much. Moving isn't practical. There are not too many houses on the market, and we have a great interest rate and low mortgage payment. My husband said he would prefer to build a home, but I know that is going to cost a fortune if we did that. But I feel like that is my only "out" from this situation. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have made this choice. We were here first, but I was still okay with the decision back then. But that was when I had only two kids who were babies. They are not bad people, but I really don't like this anymore. Does anyone else have this situation?

If it is any consolation, I dislike the use of that word, too. Sometimes women use it is a derogatory way.