I'm reposting this here - please redirect me if needed

[jenniferlee]

I have no idea whether this is where I should put this, but honestly, I was really just hoping for a little feedback by the end of the day. Testing is tomorrow. Thanks for any help you all could give me.

Jen

 

 

My 7th grade dd is getting ready for her state evaluated writing assessment this week. She has not done any actual essay writing for me so far and so I had her write a practice essay so I could see where she needed improvement (trying to help her get ready for the test). I gave her a few guidelines - make sure you have some sort of intro, pick a main point to prove or explain and sum it up at the end.

After she wrote it, I read it over and realized that I'm not much help because she's my oldest and we haven't done this before. I thought she did great, but I don't really know if it is up to a standard or not. I mean, I can correct grammar, etc. But the quality of the writing? I just don't know. So I hoped maybe some of you could give it a quick read and let me know if we are in the ballpark or if there are some major areas that she should be concentrating on improving.

Thank you all so much! This is what she wrote with no corrections:

 

Why a Guinea Pig Would be a Good Pet

 

Many chilren want a pet by the time they are 4-7 years old. There are many pets that are suitable for young children, but none better to my mind than the guinea pig. These small furry creatures are perfect size for little hands, and they are oh, so cute.

 

Guinea pigs are about the size of a large rat, not too big, not too small. This makes them perfect size pets for children ages 4+ provided the child is gentle. They are normally very calm animals, and will never bite unless in pain. Guinea pigs are sweet loving pets, and, in time may learn to recognize their name.

 

Guinea pigs are social animals, so it is best to keep them in pairs or groups. Acctually, it is easier to keeps two rather than one, it prevents some illnesses caused

by lonlieness and stress. They will play endlessly running and chasing eachother around the cage. They love to be in the middle of everything, so having their cage in your living room or a place where people are constantly going by.

 

A big plus in having a guinea pig is that they will eat almost all your vegtable scraps, and more! Guinea pigs are not pickey eaters when it comes to veggies, they will eat any thing, so it is important to know which ones to feed them, and which ones not to. They love bread crusts too, but it is important not to feed this treat very often.

 

It should cost 75-100 dollars to take care of a single guinea pig every year, as apposed to the 1500-2000 dollars it would take for a dog, and 350-400 dollars for a cat. The basics for taking care of 2 guinea pigs are: one 5lb bag of guinea pig pellet food a month, two bales of timothey hay a year, one red, green or yellow bell pepper a week, plus a few carrots, a soft plastic brush and a pair of nail clippers, an 8oz waterbottle with metal tube.

 

Over all I think guinea pigs are a good pet because they are easy to take care of, cheap to feed and sweet loving animals. Even children who live in small houses or apartments where a dog or cat may not be allowed, a guinea pig will fit in a small cage so as to be out of the way completly.

[Kimber]

It's hard for me to give feedback without a red pencil in my hand. (I edit co-op papers every week that way.)

 

Anyway, several of her sentences read informal and awkward.

 

Many children want a pet by the time they are 4-7 (spell the numbers out. I always forget the rule, but she can look it up on line. years old.

 

There are many pets that are suitable for young children, but none better to my mind than the guinea pig. (This sentence is awkward and needs to be reworded. It sounds like informal conversation.

 

These small furry creatures are perfect size for little hands, and they are oh, so cute. Again, this last sentence is awkward. I would probably put the article the in front of perfect to help it flow better.

 

I hope this helps. One thing you can have her do is read the paper from the bottom up, the last sentence first. This will force her to evaluate each sentence as it is really written and not what she thinks she wrote.

 

Hope this helps.

[jenniferlee]

Thank you! That is a great idea - about reading backward. I'll have her try that for sure.

Also I will have her double check the informality problem. This is something she does a LOT. She's extremely chatty and it comes through in her writing. I have to tell her to not put her personal opinion in her paper about King George or a state report, etc. :D

Thanks again,

Jen

[Aubrey]

Many children want a pet by the time they are 4-7 (spell the numbers out. I always forget the rule, but she can look it up on line. years old. The rule is if you can say the # in 1 word, spell it out: four, seven, 45.

 

There are many pets that are suitable for young children, but none better to my mind than the guinea pig. (This sentence is awkward and needs to be reworded. It sounds like informal conversation. I don't think this is awkward, but it is a comma splice (which I didn't learn until college, so I don't think it's a big deal, but I bet that's why it seems "off."

 

They love to be in the middle of everything, so having their cage in your living room or a place where people are constantly going by. Fragment

 

Guinea pigs are not pickey eaters when it comes to veggies, they will eat any thing, so it is important to know which ones to feed them, and which ones not to. Run on: the problem comes at the point of the first comma.

 

Even children who live in small houses or apartments where a dog or cat may not be allowed, a guinea pig will fit in a small cage so as to be out of the way completly. Non-sequitur. The first half of the sentence doesn't go w/ the second half, although I know what she's getting at.

 

I think your dd is doing awesome. Ime, a paper of this quality doesn't happen before highschool. (My experience w/ above avg kids, though, is limited to grade 12 & up.)

 

Good job!

[Mom22ns]

If the paper belonged to my kids there are three things that I would say are missing.

 

First, I expect a better hook or opening sentence. Her first sentence wasn't inherently bad, but it didn't catch my attention.

 

When I started typing this paragraph, I thought the topic sentences of the paragraphs was my second issue. However, after trying to explain, I realize that overall organization is probably the driving issue, with topic sentences being just a part of that. I would want stronger topic sentences for paragraphs 2, 3 and 5. Each of these should be a reason why guinea pigs are great pets. For example, paragraph two has what appears to be a good topic sentence, but then the rest of the paragraph doesn't follow it. I want topic sentences that give the overall idea of what the whole paragraph is about, some of the characteristics that make guineas a good pet. When you start thinking this way you realize that paragraph three is off topic, and is not a reason a guinea pig is a good pet at all. Information about guinea pigs being social animals could be included, but it needs to be looked at in relation to how it makes them a good pet.

 

Finally, I would want transitions between each paragraph. I don't know if you've covered this yet with your dd though.

 

My sixth grade dd still struggles with transitions, but otherwise can generally produce all of the things I mentioned. My eighth grader has the transitions down too. Since yours is in between my two, I'm not sure what you have and haven't covered. Your dd gave lots of good information. Her sentences are varied and her meaning clear. Her conclusion is better than what my kids usually manage. Its a good paper. I don't know if you want to try to take on any of the topics I've brought up one day before a writing evaluation or not. :001_smile:

[Kimber]

I hope I didn't come off as too critical. Her paper is well done as Aubrey said. I only evaluated the first few sentences in an attempt to help you in the short term give her the tool to evaluate her sentences on their own, considering her assessment is tomorrow.

 

Aubrey's corrections are excellent and she knows where of she speaks. But I personally hate to point out how to fix papers because in my experience with my own dd in 7th grade, she usually fixes it differently than I would suggest. So my method of correcting her is to point out that something is awkward rather than telling her how to fix it, giving her the opportunity first to find the fix. There's usually more than one way to correct a problem.

 

So I hope that the comments were indeed helpful.

Edited February 17, 2011 by Kimber

[jenniferlee]

Yes! all of these replies are very helpful! I am in the bad postition of having been told all my life that I was a very good writer, without actually ever being taught writing! I always just assumed I picked it up from reading so much. At this point I think I looked like a good writer in comparison to my peers:001_smile:. Anyway, I'm learning right along with my children.

I really appreciate the comments about topic sentences, etc. Or sentence structure in general. Do NOT worry about being too critical. I have no illusions concerning our education. The only way to improve is to be honest about where we need help!

As far as what we've covered...."nothing" would be the answer. As in, she's never heard of a topic sentence. I have been having her write a page almost daily (about a topic I pick) for about a year now. Usually something from history. I then correct her grammar or punctuation. Give ideas for more variety or clear explanation. Or tell her to keep her personal opinions out. But that's been it. We just started MCT this year - finished grammar voyage last week and are just now getting to essay voyage. Clearly not soon enough for the state testing.:001_smile:

 

OK, enough rambling. thanks again,

 

Jen

[Mom22ns]

I think the good news is that your daughter probably has your same natural writing ability. My dd was a natural writer and it has actually been harder to try to teach her a little structure for her writing to improve it. She likes it just the way it comes out of her head :001_smile:. Ds on the other hand is autistic spectrum and writing is the hardest thing he ever had to do. However, using a lot of structure, teaching him the elements of a paragraph and then an essay have allowed him to become a good writer too.

 

It may be too late to do much for the test, but I think her natural writing will be well above average, so don't worry. Then in the long run you can start working toward helping her learn some of the elements that can make good natural writing into exceptional writing!