Feel awful - my kid in trouble

[Faith-manor]

On 2/22/2024 at 12:08 PM, katilac said:

I don't think what she said is a big deal, but I am also disappointed that posters are so quick to say that the other kid must be weak, fragile, sheltered, overreacting, and a weenie who shouldn't have tattled. It's giving 1950s.

If we're going to give space and grace for OP's dd overreacting, we have to do the same for the other girl. Plus, we don't even know the full context of when/where it was said. Sometimes things just hit hard, and I'm glad she felt able to tell the teacher how she was feeling and that the teacher took her seriously. They were not raining hammers down on OP's dd but letting her know that she caused unintended harm. 

There's nothing to indicate that the teacher was harsh, and I would assume the call home was made because OP's dd had a meltdown. People seem to be interpreting the phone call in a strictly punitive way, whereas it's more likely this distressing thing happened and your dd was very upset, this seems like useful information a parent should know. 

OP, to be clear, I don't at all think your dd did something terrible or intended to hurt her feelings, I'm just pushing back on the idea that the other girl is necessarily at fault for telling the teacher how she feels. I think it's great that the school handles these things head-on.

Ah, yes, the time-honored method of bullying people into following social norms. 

There's a reason why it tends to be certain kids who get bullied across multiple situations.  Something about their behavior is encouraging it. 

I don't necessarily disagree with this, but I disagree that it's usually their fault and that "feedback" from other kids is the way to solve it. Sometimes the "something in their behavior" is being an effeminate boy, or being not very smart, or conversely too smart, or or not socially adept and not able to learn from kids' "feedback," or  having a nerdy hobby. 

Those kids should accept the feedback and do their best to change themselves to fit in?

Going along with group norms simply because they are group norms can be a dangerous game to play.

I have more thoughts, but I have to leave for now. 

 

 

Thank you. Had I adjusted my behavior to norms in order to not be the target at school, I would have given up my musical pursuits, the hours per day I spent practicing the piano since this was considered "abnormal and nerdy", and pursued being a mean girl. I am glad I was strong enough to keep going. 

I don't think at all that what the OP's child said was a huge deal in the grand scheme of thing at all, and the school will makes itself a little nuts if they attempt to police all the interactions. I also think blaming the victim is just wrong. Teach kids to focus on themselves, and not everyone else. Frankly, it isn't any student's job to force anyone else to conform to a social "norm".