Transition to high school and how to regain lost love of learning

[Gobblygook]

I have a 14 yo son who was homeschooled for grades 4-7, went back to school for 8th grade and is now floundering in high school. He hates school, other than the social and athletic aspects, and has completely lost his love of learning. At this point, his only motivation to do his work is to be academically eligible for sports. DH and I are both very academically-minded, both having master’s degrees, so we want him to be academically successful. 
 

He went to a public middle school for 8th grade where he regularly made the A honor roll despite minimal effort on his part. Now at a private high school, he’s getting Cs and Ds. In the beginning of the school year, I gave him a lot of freedom, not wanting to be a helicopter parent. With the semester half over, his grades are unacceptable and he’s close to being ineligible for athletics. I realize now I need to provide more accountability and I’ve begun doing that, as well as helping him get organized. 
 

What bothers me the most is that he has no desire to learn - at all. When he started 8th grade, he told me that most of his friends hated school and he didn’t know why. It didn’t take long until he hated school, too.

Homeschooling is not an option; he does not want to be homeschooled for high school. How do I help him with this transition and help him regain a love of learning? And how do I avoid this same situation with his next oldest sibling, who will start high school in 2 years? 

[Lori D.]

(((Gobblygook))) hugs. So sorry. That is a difficult situation.

I think you'll need to pinpoint *why* there has been a shift in attitude and performance, in order to be able to "fix" it. Not knowing your child, could it be one or more of the following: 

- a previously undiagnosed learning disability or issue is now surfacing, making it difficult for him as he can no longer "mask" it, or the work-arounds he previously used no longer work?
- is he missing the necessary study skills (time & stuff management, memorization tips, test-taking tips, reading strategies, etc.) to succeed at the high school level?
- did he not get/click with the foundational ideas at the beginning of the school year, and now is lost, because the rest of the material built on the earlier concepts?
- and if so, does he need tutoring to get him back up to speed?
- does he have the very normal/typical young teen "brain fog" from hormones and body growing/changing? maybe there are sleep, food, or exercise needs to be addressed
- perhaps he would do better as a "big fish in a smaller pond" -- i.e., attend a less rigorous high school?
- is he taking Honors, AP, or advanced courses? if so, maybe they are too overwhelming for him, and he would have more success with standard/regular courses
- does he have any elective classes that are of interest -- because if it's all heavy academics and nothing of high interest or something he is strong in and can have a lot of success in, school and learning is going to seem like a terrible drudgery
- could he realize he'd really rather homeschool again and would do better homeschooling, but feels it would be too much loss of face to tell you, so he's just floundering, not knowing what to do?

Could he just be struggling to make the transition from "easier" work (elementary/middle school levels) to "harder" work (high school levels of rigor, volume, and thinking)? And also perhaps not connecting with the change in the teaching/learning styles -- from being more hands-on, concrete. factual, and engagingly done with others (family and homeschooling or class students exploring together), to being more lecture-based, abstract/analytical, and homework that he has to trudge through solo? If that's the case, is there a way to include DS more with the homeschooling still being done at home? Or to sit with him while he does homework in the evening so it's not so lonely, and help tutor as needed so it goes quicker? Or use some of his required literature reading as family read-alouds and discuss all together at the dinner table?

Also, how long of a day is he actually at the high school, and how much homework does he have nightly? How much free time does he have, or time to spend with family and friends and on activities he enjoys? So many high schools load students down with 6-7 hour school days and then another 2-3 hours of homework nightly -- that's enough to snuff out the joy out of learning from anyone. If that's the case, can you advocate for him with the school -- fewer classes/shorter day -- less homework, or be allowed to demonstrate learning in ways other than hours of homework. You might check out Susan Wise Bauer's new book Rethinking School -- she has a lot of great ideas in there for how to advocate for your child in a public or private school setting to help make it a better fit for the student.

Perhaps the first thing to do is to take him out for lunch and a ballgame, and during that time, have a heart-to-heart chat to find out what he his thoughts on the matter are: "Son, we are concerned. You seemed to enjoy learning and to do well with school when we homeschooled and with your 8th grade school. But now you seem to be very unhappy, mostly since starting high school. What's changed? Has something happened that is making it harder this year? We really want to help you get through this rough patch, and are open to making changes."

Wishing you all the BEST in finding what helps. Warmest regards, Lori D.

ETA -- PS
You might get more specific help for a high schooler by x-posting over on the high school board, as many of the folk there don't also read the General or K-8 boards.

Edited October 8, 2019 by Lori D.