how do you.... npd ?

[gardenmom5]

28 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

@gardenmom5, Les Carter is great! I didn't realize that's who it was until I clicked your link. He would seem comfortable to be around IRL, as if you'd known him a long time or something. Some of the stuff on YouTube seems iffy and questionable on this topic (a bit weird and wacky), but a lot of them are good. 🙂

Joanna kujath also seems very good.

 

eta: and I have come across some that seem a bit too... angry about being on the receiving end of a narcissist.  (if you act out of anger, your anger towards them is controlling you.)

Edited February 15, 2019 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

19 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

I think the anger comes from wanting to have a life, and these people always intrude.  

How many of you had Valentine's Day free of an intrusion attempt?   Not us...we expect it, so we have an assigned person to handle it if we dont shift our holiday to a different day.  I'd rather not live like that, but mental illness is what it is.

I am in therapy for cptsd from my narcissist.  I'm well aware of the reasons for anger.  it's not healthy.

boundaries are a good first start.  not playing their games is liberating.

 

eta: dr. les Carter - his comments on dignity when dealing with a narcissist.  the whole thing is good, but the point really starts coming together around 9:36.

Edited February 15, 2019 by gardenmom5

[G5052]

15 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I am in therapy for cptsd from my narcissist.  I'm well aware of the reasons for anger.  it's not healthy.

boundaries are a good first start.  not playing their games is liberating.

 

Good thread. It will get better, really. You'll be triggered less and feel better and better. The times of feeling guilty about boundaries and other steps you take to help yourself will be less and will be met more rationally. 

Then one day you might actually feel sorry for them. It's part of letting go. I like the Al-Anon saying, "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it."

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, G5052 said:

 

Good thread. It will get better, really. You'll be triggered less and feel better and better. The times of feeling guilty about boundaries and other steps you take to help yourself will be less and will be met more rationally. 

Then one day you might actually feel sorry for them. It's part of letting go. I like the Al-Anon saying, "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it."

I worked on forgiving her for years. I don't want her living in my head. I made a lot of progress, incremental, but forward.  I'm now doing emdr, and making progress at getting out the stuff that still triggers me.  that's liberating.  (I did not have a grave dance to the tune of ding dong the wicked witch is dead.  joked about it, but I didn't do it.) 

she's been dead for years, but pictures of "that smile" could still trigger me.  other things that she really drilled into me, could still trigger me.  I joked I was like one of pavlov's dogs.  the training is hard to overcome.   That's why I posted the thread - I had been trained I was always making mts out of molehills, selfishly trying to get attention.  sometimes I could see clearly, and sometimes I didn't know what was right side up.  I have finally figured out what I can do to talk myself down when I get like that.  and yeah - she really was that bad.

I can have compassion that she had a miserable life - but her life was miserable because those were her choices.

when I was younger, I would fantasize about how would I respond if she came to me, and groveled while begging for forgiveness?  I realized - it was irrelevant.  it didn't matter how sorry she was,  I still had to clean up a huge mess.  my focus is on cleaning up the mess she made.

[G5052]

On 2/13/2019 at 12:23 AM, ***** said:

My question is, how does one find a good therapist? I am finding that we don't 'trust' very well because of what we have been dealing with for so long, that we have issues with trust. I have recently learned that from reading on the internet.  I thought it was just me and what I inherited from a family member. So now, I have to learn to trust that a counselor can be helpful, if I find the right one...

I am finding that listening to Lauren Daigle's "Look up Child" is helping with the healing part...😊

 

Lauren Daigle has a lot of good songs. My current favorite is "Rescue."

One marker of a good therapist for these issues is someone who specializes in trauma. Not a lot do, but they are gold if you find one that fits you. It's OK if you don't trust them at first. It can take awhile to build that. Make sure that they are helping you to move along in your healing. Your sessions should not be just venting. You need strategies and perspective.