What would you do if your child were in this situation...(long but thanks in advance)

[Jennefer@SSA]

My ds7 (ADHD/SPD/SD) has been involved in an AWANA program at a local church. Our church does not have this program. My ds7 loves it! He gets to memorize verses and earn "shares" and "jewels" (sort of akin to badges that a scout might earn) and that really plays to one of his strengths - memory! He gets to shine in this regard. He also loves the interaction with other kiddos and adults.

 

Here is the problem, while he loves it I don't always like the way I see him treated when I come to pick him up. We have been involved in this program for 3 years and despite my efforts I still feel they see him as a wild and unruly kid. They don't see the "why" of his behavior behind the "what". Nothing major has happened - I would immediately pull him out if that were the case. Yet I am struggling with what to do so I thought I would ask for input.

 

I think a huge issue is that this is not our local church. At our church people know dh and myself and they know that ds is not just wild. They see how we work with him and they love us and him. They do not excuse my child's behavior but they try to understand and work with him where he is. At this church, they don't know us in that capacity or have a true love for my kiddo that comes with a real authentic relationship that has developed over time.

 

Ds7 does not seem to realize the treatment I see or if he does he doesn't talk about it. This is one of the few social things we are involved in; it fits our limited budget and time restraints.

 

Here are some of my thoughts on options...

 

1. Write a letter trying to better explain his issues and the "whys" behind his behavior to foster a better understanding and give it to every adult who works with ds? I do not want his behavior excused or ignored...I just want to see him treated with respect for his very real differences. Am I overly optimistic thinking this will matter? I always think that if adults understand then it will help. A face to face meeting with all the adults that work with him is not possible as there are several movements of his class throughout the evening and too many adults that interact with him to make that feasible.

 

2. Pull him and look for other opportunities for social interaction even though he likes it?

 

3. Keep him in and stop being such a helicopter parent? Just do my best to continue talking with the leaders as I am given opportunities.

 

4. Any other ideas???

 

Thanks ladies (and gentlemen)!

[Laurie4b]

A couple things:

 

From what you've written, your ds isn't experiencing any issues. It is a place for him to shine and he enjoys the social interaction with other kids and adults. It sounds like it's your issue and not ds's. Maybe he's oblivious and ignorance is bliss, or maybe, not being there for the whole thing, you're reading some things into what you're seeing at pick-up.

 

So given that it sounds like it's your issue, that helps narrow down the choices of what to do. If I could rephrase, you want them to love him and you're not sure that they do. You feel that maybe he is being judged for his "wildness" (that's what my ds used to call his behavior). I think you could reasonably:

 

1) Do nothing. Ds is happy and no one has gotten upset with him inappropriately.

2) Be proactive and give the leaders appropriate information. I have served many years in our church's Sunday school program. I could probably count on one hand with fingers left over the number of parents with kids with special needs who have taken the initiative to help the volunteers understand their child. Most seem to hope that they can fly under the radar. The problem is, that without information, people will label a child as a behavior problem. With the information, they will often very appropriately adjust.

 

Here was the most extreme example I've experienced: I had one child dropped off in my classroom without any parental direction. He didn't listen or follow directions and was very disruptive the whole class. None of my "bag of tricks" worked. After the class, in which I had become quite frustrated with the child just ignoring me, I said to the parents that I would need some suggestions from them because he wasn't following directions. THEN they told me about the autism. Well, that would have explained it! :) As it was, I had gotten frustrated with him. Once I knew, we then worked out a system for Sunday school similar to that used in his treatment program and it worked beautifully. My point is, though, that without knowing what the actual problem was, I was left with the option of a child who was just misbehaving, as far as I could tell.

 

We now have a "form letter" that we encourage parents of children with special needs to fill out and explain things to the teachers. It's given at the beginning of the year, so serves to introduce the child. It goes something like this: Meet my child _____. His/her strengths are: ______ What my child may find challenging is___________ Things that you might find challenging about my child are_________ Strategies that we have found are helpful are __________ The name of my child's special needs are___________. Some books or websites that might be helpful to you if you want more information are________. You can contact me ______ or _______ if you have questions, have concerns, or need more information. If you wanted to do something similar, I'd start with how much your son loves AWANAs.

 

In either case, remember that in a program like AWANA, the volunteers are running a program (that is, they have several tasks to get through, supplies to have on hand, plans to make, etc.), they are interacting with a large number of kids, and they don't have time to see each child as an individual snowflake---sometimes it feels more like shoveling snow! In the absence of information to the contrary, it is totally natural that people will interpret special needs behaviors as misbehaving. You can make the difference by explaining what is happening. Most parents of special needs kids struggle with the dilemma of "Is this his disability or is it a discipline issue?" repeatedly. We make an error on one side sometimes and on the other at other times. I'm certainly guilty of disciplining my son for what he can't totally help (that's still occasionally true. It was true a lot more before the diagnosis). I'm also guilty of letting him get away with developing character issues (complaining, dodging work) because I was too sympathetic with the disabilities. If we moms struggle with this, volunteers who don't know the issues AND who are trying to do a lot of other things at the same time, are certainly going to err. My guess is that if you give them the information, you'll likely see a change in the behavior of most of them. (There are always some folks who "don't believe in ADHD," but since most volunteers in children's programs are there because they really like kids, you have a very good chance of your communication really helping.

Edited October 21, 2008 by Laurie4b

[MicheleB]

Since it is not your church, I would be careful about what you share. While I might share 'information', I would not share specific dx, because I'd be afraid it would turn into what has already been mentioned: "Is this a disability or a discipline problem" or some people 'don't believe in ADHD.'

 

I don't think you're being a helicopter parent. I think you are being wise, you know what's going on with your child, and you don't want to see his enthusiasm crushed by people who don't have the full picture and/or don't want to.

 

Could you find a teen, or ask the church if they have one, that would be willing to 'shadow' your ds throughout the night? My boys went to AWANA one year and they had a love/hate relationship with it. They were not able to memorize, though, as your ds is. They enjoyed the games, but if it got too overwhelming, or situations arose that they weren't able to fully handle, they came home upset. I think a 'shadow' would have been great for them. Though I realize that's not always feasible.

 

I see you have a lot of little ones, so it probably isn't possible for you yourself to kind of hang out and keep an eye on things, is it? At one AWANA we attended, I stayed in the nursery with my baby (at the time) and kept tabs on my other dc. Maybe that's a possibility as well. ???

[Jennefer@SSA]

I see you have a lot of little ones, so it probably isn't possible for you yourself to kind of hang out and keep an eye on things, is it? At one AWANA we attended, I stayed in the nursery with my baby (at the time) and kept tabs on my other dc. Maybe that's a possibility as well. ???

 

This particular church has their AWANA program on Wednesday night at the same time our church has its Wed. nite worship service. My dh preaches at that service. AWANA starts at 6 and our church starts at 7. Usually I drop ds7 and ds3 (Cubbie) off and stay with ds7 until 6:30. Then I head over to our church (only 4 minutes away) and put ds2 in the nursery. Dh isn't able to take ds 2 for me as he is preparing, doing sound checks and all his sermon prep stuff. On the weeks my ds isn't teaching I do drop ds2 off with him so that I can stay with the older boys the entire time. Ds2 isn't the type of little one who will sit in my lap quietly while I observe his older brother and I cannot use their nursery facility as it's for their members only. I usually try to slip out of our church early to be there 15 minutes early to see ds7 finish up game time. It at least is a help that I can be there those first 30 min and the last 15 min as those are some of the more unstructured times and as a result the times when he tends to have more difficulties.

 

I don't think you're being a helicopter parent. I think you are being wise, you know what's going on with your child, and you don't want to see his enthusiasm crushed by people who don't have the full picture and/or don't want to.

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I really appreciate it very much!

[Jennefer@SSA]

they are interacting with a large number of kids, and they don't have time to see each child as an individual snowflake---sometimes it feels more like shoveling snow!

 

:iagree: I love how you phrased this! I love mental pictures and this one is really spot on, I believe. I have just never thought of it in this way!

 

We now have a "form letter" that we encourage parents of children with special needs to fill out and explain things to the teachers. It's given at the beginning of the year, so serves to introduce the child. It goes something like this: Meet my child _____. His/her strengths are: ______ What my child may find challenging is___________ Things that you might find challenging about my child are_________ Strategies that we have found are helpful are __________ The name of my child's special needs are___________. Some books or websites that might be helpful to you if you want more information are________. You can contact me ______ or _______ if you have questions, have concerns, or need more information. If you wanted to do something similar, I'd start with how much your son loves AWANAs.

 

Thank you for sharing this. It is really helpful to have a starting point. :001_smile:

[Jennefer@SSA]

I PM'd you! Thanks! :)

[Laurie4b]

The snowflake and shoveling snow metaphor is not original. It came from some famous family therapist whose name now escapes me! Virginia something or other!