A little humor in this darkness.

[TraciWA]

:001_smile:Things have been a little too dark lately, so I thought this might liven things a bit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK

——————————————————————–

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous

Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one

else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the

last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table

asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured

by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and

besides they told me I could have free cokes during the tasting, so I

accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an

Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little

too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint

from your driveway with it. Took me two cokes to put the flames out.

Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno

tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

Shoved my way to the front of the soda line.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE:

Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a

!?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing

Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I

could make it to the soda line. Waitress pounded me on the back; now

my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili# 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Sally, the waitress, was standing behind me with fresh

refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I

belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring coke directly on it

from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges

asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold

vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous

flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre

chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili

peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about

Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and

I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world

sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with

chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at

autopsy they’ll know what killed me.

I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole

in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3

fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for

all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: ——————

[Vida Winter]

Traci, that was hilarious! I am still LOL. Thanks for the humor.

 

~D

[kzdaisy]

I needed that:lol::lol::lol:

[RebeccaC]

Oh my lands this is just too funny! I nearly busted a stitch! Dh just walked in from work, I am sitting here laughing so hard I am crying and he thought something awful happened.... then he read it and nearly busted a stitch!

 

Thanks for posting this :smilielol5:

[Zelda]

:lol::lol:

[Dani n Monies Mom]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::lol::lol::rofl: This was great! Thanks for the laugh, I am in tears laughing so much.

 

Ava

[OhM]

Hilarious! Think we'll be having chili for dinner now.