Helping a 4 year old Accept Limits

[wendyroo]

You have gotten a lot of good advice.

 

I have one like this. She would do anything for a fight--anything. I have said yes to going to Hawaii, putting it off. "I'll buy the tickets now." Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Calmly. I think this lasted about six weeks, it was insane, but I believe in six-week trials.

 

She has gone to bed with clothes on eaten candy all day... this was all in that 3 - 5 phase.

 

This did not work. She would get angry at me for saying yes. :( "Can I have this?" "Yes, here." Screams, throws on ground. NOT LIKE THAT!!!

 

This is what my mom tried with Elliot.  She has taken him a few times to give me a week of respite.  His life is good with Nana; he gets all of her attention and almost no rules or responsibilities.  She taught preschool for over a decade, and has a ton of experience guiding a preschooler.

 

She said he seemed to get more and more jittery and hyper the more she said yes.  

 

Sure you can skip brushing your teeth.  Sure you can eat candy for lunch.  Sure you can throw away your speech therapy homework.  Sure you can cut my hair (she is truly insane sometimes).  But, no matter how much she said yes, he kept pushing and pushing to find her limit, looking for a chink in her armor and a reason to explode.

 

Eventually the answer was simply No, you cannot write with permanent markers on the wall, and that is when all hell broke loose.  He was not interested in redirection: he didn't want to draw on the easel or paint with water outside on the siding.  He viewed anything less then letting him do exactly what he wanted as a betrayal on Nana's part and he made her pay.

 

One time he was going so insanely crazy at her house after she finally had to say no about something that my Dad barricaded them together in the garage so Elliot's tantrum could run its course without destroying the house or injuring anyone too badly.

 

Wendy

[Tsuga]

I'm sorry. Mine who was like that is playing me her compositions right now. It has been a long road but it did pass. Time with other adults helped.

[Janeway]

Has he been evaluated for ASD? My son had similar symptoms at this age.

[Citrusheights5]

A few posts together really made things "click" for me. #1, he has witnessed his brother act irrationally and hurtful, and it was not the end of the world( although it hurt him and those around him). When he "acts", it's different. #2 someone brought up PTSD. #3, you mentioned what your mother does and his reaction.

 

My story is : my husband is a vet with severe ptsd. He does not act consistently since he is governed by his fight/flight reflex (and emotions). It is VERY unsettling and disturbing to this child. He cannot make it make sence in his world view and collective experince. why does dad get to... but I can't. Why can brother... and I get ?. Kids are uber uber perceptive to your disapproval even if you say nothing or ignore it.

 

My son has developed a VERY POOR coping skill, of finding what your voiced limit is, and what your EMOTIONAL limit is. He NEEDS to know this BEFORE compliance. He will refuse and push and pull and fight and emotionally drain you to see what you will do at your emotional limit.

 

Because with hubbs displaying a reaction is counter-productive to PTSD I've "trained" myself into dealing with "Mr ptsd" with a flat affect. While great with him it completely "scared" my son, because I was denying him the input he needed in order to understand his world. And yes that input came from seeing how his father processed and dealt with the world.

 

My son "knows" that dad is Mr military man with orders galore, but at his emotional limit will say yes to everyone and everything. He "knows" that his pre k teacher insists on fairness, yet at her emotional limit,walk away. He knows his kinder teacher is very kind, but at her emotional limit-not have a filter and tell him exactly how she sees him. Oddly enough once he has figured out the limit he will normally settle into just stubborness. Not out right defiance, unless you have a very very bad emotional limit reaction. (one teacher was scared of him at her emotional limit, and he never listened or trusted her-because to him -she was not worthy of that trust)

 

Once you've changed the dynamic, you can then work on the behaviors. I've let myself break down and cry in front of him-while dad watched the others. HE knows what my emotional limit reaction is now, and he rarely tests me now. Still stubborn, but he can be reasoned with now.

 

We are just now dealing with his need to see people's limit because he's finally at a point where he can understand why his dad gets a different set of rules. Not like the fact, nor understand in depth but very very superfically. I suspect this will be a very bad habit, he will always fall back on for the rest of his life. Therapy helps alot.

 

I don't know if this will help you, as it could be different all together. But I wanted to put it out there just in case. Is he trying to get information he needs to process his world?

[Incognito]

I agree with the steroids very possibly contributing.

 

From posts you have made in the past and this I feel like the family dynamics in your home are somehow just way out of kilter.  It sounds like there is a lot of pain and frustration for you as parents and for the older kids (I don't know about the younger ones).  I don't know what the answer is, but Elliot's behavior isn't happening independently.  There is a lot going on around him that I think is contributing to how he processes his life and feelings.

 

For what it is worth, I don't think you are happy.  I don't know how to solve that, but I do know that how I feel and handle the world has a profound effect on what my children reflect back at me.  No, me being in a good place does not solve everything, but me being in a bad place makes everything even harder (which makes me in a worse place, which makes things harder, etc. etc.).