teenage boy angst!

[tmkclscroggins]

My ds is almost 14 and all of a sudden he's moody, wanting to sleep until 10:30 or 11:00, staying up to all hours of the night and being generally disagreeable. Is this normal? He's always been the most helpful of the three and now it is a chore to get him to do anything! We just moved and he has yet to unpack more than a couple of boxes. My neat freak has turned into a slob! He just wants to lay around and play video games and pretty much do nothing but veg! Does this stage go away? I have given him a little slack since we moved ourselves last week and he put in a full day of work all week long.....heavy lifting, etc. We just moved a mile from our old house and his friends can ride their bikes over.

 

Will someone tell me this is normal and he will turn into a human again?

 

melissa

[Danestress]

Let's face it, many of us want to lay around and X all day (you insert activity of choice - play video games, read, watch old movies, talk of the phone, post online). Wanting to get away with laziness isn't really abnormal. It's normal, but unacceptable. So it being disagreeable.

 

I think the trick is to be clear about what time is his for R & R, and what time isn't, and to be clear about what activities are limited and which are unrestricted. I wouldn't let a boy this age play a lot of video game or watch tv. It's just not my parenting style. And I certainly would not allow electronics (tv, computer) in his room at all.

 

But my son at 14 still spent a lot of time goofing off doing things that made his father crazy - like playing legos. He wanted to see DS do something impressive and useful with that free time. But to me, we call it "free" for a reason. So if you want to read comic books or play legos or have a nerf gun fight with your brothers, fine.

 

But the vast majority of our time isn't really "free" is it? He has school work, chores, hopefully a sport, music practice. All these things have to get done everyday.

 

I do think the disagreeable part of "normal" but I think it has to be addressed consistently and firmly so that you can grow him out of it over time.

[Cedarmom]

:iagree:

Danestress said it very well. Normal does not mean acceptable. He may be growing, and that is why. Let him get plenty of sleep, but he can help unpack. Extra sleep is fine, but it cuts into free time, not work time. And if he complains- video game time is gone.

On the nice side, your family has probably been very busy with the move.Take a little time off just to enjoy your son. Laugh a little with him. I find that connecting with my son generally always helps.

[Nestof3]

I vote that normal is irrelevant to some extent. At 14, I still set my boys' bed times because I feel they need a lot of sleep, which means going to bed at a decent hour in order to get up when needed. From what I've read, people need sleep the most at adolescence and at infancy.

 

I tend to think that laziness is a temptation, and I also feel it is quite common in children/teens these days. I also feel it can be "caught" quite easily by the culture we live in, and it is especially important to pay attention to influences on young men. At 14 I was reminding my son that he was becoming a man, which didn't mean he couldn't play Legos or whatever, but that he needed to strive to be dependable, to be a benefit to his family who provides so much for him, to resist his "natural man."

[Kathy in MD]

A research neurologist said that were actual, chemical changes affecting teen sleep patterns and depression. He gave us suggestions for helping with the sleep patterns.

 

Teens are more sensitive to light and activity levels at bedtime than children or adults. For about a half hour before bedtime, dim the lights and eliminate video games, computer or TV. Then the bedroom needs to be pitch black. They will also need more sleep than before.

[Sharon H in IL]

Melatonin production changes with adolescence. Biologically, their most active time is . . . 11 o'clock at night! That's why there is so much discussion about changing high school start times to be later. Teenagers need as much sleep as toddlers, but their bodies tell them to become a bit nocturnal.

 

Some families work to keep the same schedule as ever, and other families roll with it, allowing their teens to do their schoolwork late at night. There is no one right way to handle life.

 

Do a little reading on teenage sleep cycles and see what you want to do.

 

And I completely agree with the others about the disagreeableness and avoidance of work. Teens need sleep, but the heart and lungs grow before the rest of the body, so a 14 year old should have a ton of aerobic capacity to use to lift boxes, clean the garage, bike for miles, swim, race around with their friends and siblings. Time to shut down the game systems.

[tmkclscroggins]

Thanks for the responses. I guess I should have stated more of the facts. This year has been the year of changes and sorrows. We started school last fall fine. My mom moved in with us in January and we had hospice nurses in and out nearly every day for 4 months. We then had to put her in a nursing and a week after we did that, I got a call to come back - that her time was short. I went down, my husband and 2 boys followed and my daughter went to her other grandmother's. We were there almost 2 weeks ( school didn't happen too much) and she passed away. Then followed the funeral and trying to get back to life. All this time, our house was on the market so we had to have crazy neat expectations at all times. By May, we were back to normal but soccer tournament season started so we were gone most weekends. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, our house sold but we had to be out in 10 days. That included packing, finding a new house, working out the logistics, etc. Finally, we made it. We bought a foreclosure that needs a ton of work and my husband nearly killed us all trying to do a complete redo in less than a week! We are all exhausted.

 

I guess my question is: how much time can I allow for us to recover? I'm fine but if I see a scrub brush, box or POD again, I may puke! We don't normally allow excessive video game/computer time and I usually insist that bedtime be at 10 or 10:30 every night. I think, in this exhausted state, I've just let things slide too much. It felt good, as a parent, to see him digging in and doing hard, physical labor for days without complaint. I've never seen him so tired!

 

Sorry to go on and on but I didn't want ya'll to think that we just let our kids do whatever. We are usually pretty strict.

 

melissa

[Cedarmom]

Wow, you guys have had a lot of stress. I say relax for a couple of weeks. Let everyone catch up on sleep,play. From experience, I still limit ds video games after a week or so. My ds started to take it as a right if he got longer then that of unlimited video game (maybe it is not so addicting for yours though)Sound like everyone (including you ) deserves a break. I say take it -guilt free!

[Amy in Orlando]

Thanks for the responses. I guess I should have stated more of the facts. This year has been the year of changes and sorrows. We started school last fall fine. My mom moved in with us in January and we had hospice nurses in and out nearly every day for 4 months. We then had to put her in a nursing and a week after we did that, I got a call to come back - that her time was short. I went down, my husband and 2 boys followed and my daughter went to her other grandmother's. We were there almost 2 weeks ( school didn't happen too much) and she passed away. Then followed the funeral and trying to get back to life. All this time, our house was on the market so we had to have crazy neat expectations at all times. By May, we were back to normal but soccer tournament season started so we were gone most weekends. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, our house sold but we had to be out in 10 days. That included packing, finding a new house, working out the logistics, etc. Finally, we made it. We bought a foreclosure that needs a ton of work and my husband nearly killed us all trying to do a complete redo in less than a week! We are all exhausted.

 

I guess my question is: how much time can I allow for us to recover? I'm fine but if I see a scrub brush, box or POD again, I may puke! We don't normally allow excessive video game/computer time and I usually insist that bedtime be at 10 or 10:30 every night. I think, in this exhausted state, I've just let things slide too much. It felt good, as a parent, to see him digging in and doing hard, physical labor for days without complaint. I've never seen him so tired!

 

Sorry to go on and on but I didn't want ya'll to think that we just let our kids do whatever. We are usually pretty strict.

 

melissa

 

:grouphug:My guess is you're not as "fine" as you think. I think you all need a breather. I know after my dh was seriously ill for about 8 weeks (with some hurricanes tossed in to keep it interesting) ... it took us all a full year to get back to what felt "normal."

 

We're not "slackers" either, but sometimes you just need to take the time to rest and work in spurts and allow balance to return at its own pace. It's hard. I know it was really hard for me - I like everything to run on schedule. But, my kids came through it just fine (once I eased up a bit). We're back to a normal (as normal as it gets with teens) life. I do no regret the months of "formal schooling" we lost taking time to regroup. We're back on track and the boys are exactly where they need to be school-wise.

 

Hang in there. Give yourself time and space and freedom. :grouphug:

[Mosaicmind]

I believe some of what your son is going through is normal, but can and probably does need to be changed. My two oldest ds are 14 & 15, they are still up even though it is 11:48pm and one of them has to get up to be at school by 7:30 and the other one does a paper route at 4:30am.

 

There seems to be alot going on within your family and probably letting a few things slide is ok for now until life starts to slow down would be good for all of you. I still would say that he needs a bedtime and wakeup time, even if this is different than what you believe to be good for him. As long as he gets his school work done, chores done, and changes his attitude I would give him a little leeway. Of course this is jmo.

 

Hoping things get better over the next few weeks. So sorry about your mother, that's got to be tough.