Would PS be a good for for my son?

[KeepItGoing]

I had an explosive child. I don't know whether any of her issues were due to dietary problems (I would be more open to experimenting with that now that I'm gluten-free myself), but regular meals and sleep schedules were vital for us.

 

Let me encourage you to find an excellent counselor to go to, to explore the idea that there may be family issues going on. My ADHD, explosive child settled down markedly when my husband and I entered counseling. She was supposed to participate, too, but after the second session, she refused—and it never mattered.

 

I do caution you, though, that there's counseling, and there's counseling. A year and a half of counseling with one person can be equivalent to four hours with another. In our case, I got some substantial benefit from the 18 months of marriage counseling that my husband and I did, but we got much more benefit from the eight-hour workshop I took at a counseling center. We continue to work with that center when we need help, even though it's 100 miles from home, because it's still much more time-effective.

 

In our particular case, the main benefit that I got is that for the first time I realized that I do, in fact, get angry. (I didn't realize it before—didn't experience the emotion of anger.) I also learned that I could experience anger as a good thing: it helped me identify when a problem was occurring, and filled me with the energy to solve that problem. What a revelation! Recognizing this and dealing with my own anger early in an appropriate way, rather than unconsciously letting it affect my behaviors in indirect ways, allowed me to deal much better with my children. That changed the emotional tone of our home and improved my relationship with my daughter, who started settling down. (This is hard for me to write even today, because civility and gentleness and encouragement and self-control and such have always been what I've strived for. It's hard for me to accept that it was much, much harder to be my child than I imagined.)

 

Today this daughter is no longer explosive and is doing well at a university. And my husband and I are still working to heal our own wounds that have kept us, at times, from parenting in the ways that we would choose. Our other children, I hope, will benefit from this too!

[briansmama]

Keep it Going, thank you for sharing your experience. I'm going to think about what you've written. I sincerely hope our ds is not reacting to Dh and me. We strive to communicate and feel we have a very strong marriage, but I'm sure we don't always handle parenting together as well as we could, especially when we feel stressed.

[KeepItGoing]

And if his issues happen only when he's eaten wrong, and if you can conquer the difficulties in holding to his diet, well then, you've solved the problem, no counseling required.

 

The reason I bring it up is that in my understanding, though, an explosive child is more likely to come from a family with anger management issues—not so much the abusive sort of issues, but the "I never get angry, I'm sweeter than that" kind of issue. The sort of family where you look at the crazy kid and say, "How could she be so out of control? The parents are so nice!" That would be me....

 

Everyone has anger. I didn't recognize it in myself, and couldn't tolerate it in my child. She had some experiences in early childhood that created substantial anger in her; I saw her anger, couldn't help her with it, and vilified her in my mind. (There must be something wrong with her! Otherwise, how could such a good mother as me have such an out-of-control child?) We got counseling quite early, but it was of poor quality and left me too certain that she was the problem and not me. Now I know how to help people with anger much better, and life is much better for all of us....

 

Also, I should say that we didn't enter marriage counseling because we had marriage issues. We have a very strong marriage (though I have to say that it wasn't nearly as strong as I thought it was!). The marriage wasn't the trouble, but each of our individual issues was, and we worked on those—with huge benefits for both our marriage and for the kids.

[Snowfall]

Snowfall, do you mind telling me if you has your dd evaluated by a neuropsych and what/if they discovered? I'm sorry if that's too personal and I understand if you don't feel comfortable sharing but were really trying to decide if our current plan is going to work or not. Our current plan is to work on collaborative problem solving to teach ds how to manage/reduce his frustrations that are causing him to explode, keep him very strictly off dairy/gluten, and do lab testing through our ND plus any treatment she recommends.

 

Additionally, I'm considering a child psych to help us work out the family dynamics/priorities as pp recommended because at this point, I'm starting to doubt how well I can keep an explosive 9 1/2yr old on a very strict diet long term when I haven't been able to do so already (mainly because of family/external pressures, not when we are at home). But I don't know if this is best to pursue first or if I should seek a neuro eval first, or at all, when I am not sure how much help it would be.

 

 

DD was dx with Asperger's, very high IQ, but 2E because she has a processing speed deficit that puts her way, way, way below the normal range. We had that done through an educational psychologist. However, we're now pursuing a new eval through a neuropsychologist, partly because we need more detail. That's why I recommended a neuropsych. :) We took our DD to a social worker who specialized in collaborative problem solving. That was when she was 6. It was a failure, and my guess (although I hope I'm wrong) is that it won't work for your son, either. He sounds too much like my daughter for it to work.

 

We saw a child and family psychologist. He failed us miserably, too. He kept wanting us to punish, punish, punish her more. It was a nightmare and it did not work. If you find your psych doing that, and it isn't working, feel free to find a new one. I would get the neuropsych eval first. That way everyone knows what you're all dealing with.

 

[kiwik]

You mentioned that your son had a infection of some sort in the past? I'd make sure it hasn't come back.

That would be my first step in the process of figuring out why my 9yo had so much anger and irritability. Children aren't naturally like this. My second step would be to make sure he is getting enough and the right kind of sleep... is he falling asleep within half an hour of going to bed? Is he reming? You can check to see if he is reming when he's been asleep about an hour look at his eyes...are his eyeballs move below his closed eyelids? If not to either question you'd want to get a sleep study. Third I'd look at his food... which you have and fix the issue. Then I'd see what else is going on.

 

Your son sound like he's got a lot of ADHD symptoms and a lot of SPD symptoms. Being distracted by sounds is partly a focus issue. Since you didn't see this in the toddler years it makes me think that it's not actually either. I'd look into vision issues. It's less expensive and a shorter wait time then a neuropsyc. evaluation and it's something you'd want to rule out anyway. Many kids with a certain vision issue called Convergence Insufficiency also have symptoms of ADHD or SPD. You can have 20/20 vision and still have CI, and read well above grade level and still have CI... so don't assume it's not the issue, make sure it's not. You will need to see a Developmental Ophthalmologist because a regular Ophthalmologist won't be able to diagnose CI. My guess is that more then one thing is going on with him.

 

My son is sensitive to gluten. He has been gf for a year and 5 months. He has had a few slip ups now and again. We all suffer the consequences when he does. Gluten causes similar issues in my ds as you are seeing. Extreme sensitivity to sounds, light, tags, scratchy cloths, annoyance in being in his own skin, were common occurrences before we removed the gluten. Not to mention the extreme brain fog.

 

Removing the gluten was the #1 best thing we have done for our son and our whole family. My son now asks people, "Does that have gluten in it?" before he eats something. He can now ask this question every time and if the answer is "yes" or "I don't know"... then he doesn't eat it. This was not an easily won battle, to teach a kid to say no to a cookie is hard.

 

First we had to make our son aware of what was causing his issues... we made some videos of his good behavior compared to his bad behavior. Then we showed him during a good behavior time (many tears were shed). Once he understood the real issue, that we knew he was a good boy with a bad behavior problem that he could not control on his own he was better able to allow change.

 

Then we made the no cheating rule. This was the most difficult for all of us. Learning that a little gluten is just as bad as a lot is a hard won truth. Over the last year and a half we've learned that going out to eat must not be looked at as a "treat time to cheat time" it is not a license to cheat. His diet is not a punishment, so he doesn't need a "treat". We can go to McDonalds and get a burger w/o a bun and he's used to that now. We can go to Domino's and get a gf pizza w/o cheese (when he was dairy free). If you get yeast flakes (tastes like cheese when baked) and bring then in they will add that to the pizza for you at most Domino's restaurants. Once we had that concept down (took us about 3 months) we went on to making sure he "never" eats gluten. Well that required consequences.

1. Having eaten gluten is not an excuse for bad behavior so when you behave badly you're banned from family life time (stuck alone in room isn't fun).

2. If you aren't responsible enough to monitor what you eat I will...we all became his food chaperones (can't go anywhere without one for 30 days. It takes 30 days to make a habit. Everyone in the family took charge of his diet (not fun for a younger sib to tell you how you can't eat that). We also removed it from our home while he detoxed.

3. Then he was given responsibility again. And he of course promptly screwed up. So he was banned from the offending site of temptation. Our poor boy didn't go to Nana's for a month until he understood just because she offers you a cookie doesn't mean you can have one. (For your son it would be the sports arena.)

 

At age 9 your son is old enough to take ownership of his diet if you take the steps necessary to train him. I've seen 2 & 3 year olds able to ask every time that (or similar) simple question.

 

With your sons food issue I'd be really concerned about putting him in PS. In our local PS the school is required to give every child (even the sack lunch kids) a well balanced meal, which includes grains. When visiting a PS lunch line we were told that every child had to have bread. When I explained that ds had a gluten allergy (too hard to explain what a sensitivity is compared to an allergy)

we were told that he "Has to" have the bread on his plate. It was the same with milk and nuts and even peanut butter, even if they had a doctors note. I asked,"What about kids who have anaphalxis to certain foods". I was told that it is the child's responsibility (even 5yos) to just not eat the offending food. I was very surprised at this, but it is the state policy. I don't know if it is that way in every state but considering the new "Common Core Standards" if it's not, it soon will be.

 

As far as family dynamics goes...Having him in our family, in our homeschool, has not always been easy, but I've seen what a broken school system (ours is very broken, not all are) can do to an Aspy boy and it isn't pretty. I used to worry about his effect on my other children. And there are negetive effects for sure...but I've begun to realize that having to deal with their brother has developed some interesting and desirable traits in my other three.

 

My oldest is more compassionate then he used to be when dealing with people who are different. My youngest son is more patient then his nature demands and has become more careful with what his body does as not to disturb his brothers sensitive ears. And my dd is more understanding of her brothers immaturity then she might have been otherwise.

 

We have modified our lives for my son (a school won't do that)... but we have also worked on his issues.

One example of this is; when he was 4 we avoided Walmart as if it were on fire, at 5 we brought him in for 5 min. and then sent him to wait in the car with dad, now he can handle all that sensory input for about an hour. Watch this video to better understand what he is dealing with in the sensory area. It may help you to better deal with the meltdowns and the outbursts to understand where he's coming from. We've had good results with removal of the offense and then slow reintroduction. He can often, not always, tolerate a lot more then he used to.

 

Removing the gluten removed about 75% of his behavior issues and doing VT for his Convergence has removed about 15% more. He will never be "normal" but he is so much more content in himself then he's ever been.

 

I wish you the best with whatever your family finally decides and hope that at least some of what I've penned here was helpful.

The kids are supposed to have it on the plate and not eat it? Amazing kids they have at that school. For some kids that would be enough contamination to be a risk. At my sons preschool due to allergies they are not allowed eggs, nuts or seeds in the building. (they seem to overlook seeds in bread and egg in baked goods though), the diabetic kid in my older son's class has an aide at lunch to ensure she eats properly (i would think this will be the last year though). Could a parent sue if anything happened. We don't have that kind of thing here but i thought you did.

[briansmama]

And if his issues happen only when he's eaten wrong, and if you can conquer the difficulties in holding to his diet, well then, you've solved the problem, no counseling required.

 

The reason I bring it up is that in my understanding, though, an explosive child is more likely to come from a family with anger management issues—not so much the abusive sort of issues, but the "I never get angry, I'm sweeter than that" kind of issue. The sort of family where you look at the crazy kid and say, "How could she be so out of control? The parents are so nice!" That would be me....

 

Everyone has anger. I didn't recognize it in myself, and couldn't tolerate it in my child. She had some experiences in early childhood that created substantial anger in her; I saw her anger, couldn't help her with it, and vilified her in my mind. (There must be something wrong with her! Otherwise, how could such a good mother as me have such an out-of-control child?) We got counseling quite early, but it was of poor quality and left me too certain that she was the problem and not me. Now I know how to help people with anger much better, and life is much better for all of us....

 

Also, I should say that we didn't enter marriage counseling because we had marriage issues. We have a very strong marriage (though I have to say that it wasn't nearly as strong as I thought it was!). The marriage wasn't the trouble, but each of our individual issues was, and we worked on those—with huge benefits for both our marriage and for the kids.

  

DD was dx with Asperger's, very high IQ, but 2E because she has a processing speed deficit that puts her way, way, way below the normal range. We had that done through an educational psychologist. However, we're now pursuing a new eval through a neuropsychologist, partly because we need more detail. That's why I recommended a neuropsych. :) We took our DD to a social worker who specialized in collaborative problem solving. That was when she was 6. It was a failure, and my guess (although I hope I'm wrong) is that it won't work for your son, either. He sounds too much like my daughter for it to work.

 

We saw a child and family psychologist. He failed us miserably, too. He kept wanting us to punish, punish, punish her more. It was a nightmare and it did not work. If you find your psych doing that, and it isn't working, feel free to find a new one. I would get the neuropsych eval first. That way everyone knows what you're all dealing with.

 

Thank you both so much. It sounds like there is difficulty finding the right neuropsych and help. Snowfall, that is especially interesting that collaborative problem solving didn't work. So that may not be a solution after all.

 

I did find a naturopath whose practice is solely for children with behavioral issues related to allergies, spectrum disorders, Aspergers, Autism, and sensory processing disorders. Unfortunately, the practice is booked through January. She does order complete labwork and can also order an MRI. She came highly recommended so my ds is now in the waitlist. While I'm not thrilled that we will have to wait so long for help, I do think this would be the best course for us. I feel like we might be able to get answers and treatment.

 

When researching her work, I did learn that toxicity from pathogens in abnormal bacteria can cause allergies/sensitivities to the protein (casein) in dairy and gluten in sensitive people, and often behavioral issues/sensory issues are a result. This is something I didn't know until recently, even though I'd been told that he had an abnormal bacteria previously and it can cause behavioral issues. I didn't understand why. So it's highly likely the bacteria came back, or another one is present.

 

Based on what I quoted above, I do wonder if my ds issues stem from how we've been reacting to him when he physiologically can't behave differently when he's had gluten/dairy (or artificial anything, he does react to that stuff too). I think this is such a complex situation and I really appreciate everyone's time helping Dh and me try to figure out the best course to help him.

[KeepItGoing]

  

I do wonder if my ds issues stem from how we've been reacting to him when he physiologically can't behave differently when he's had gluten/dairy (or artificial anything, he does react to that stuff too).

 

This stuff is all so complicated. I have no idea what is going on with your son, so please understand that I'm only sharing my own, personal experiences.

 

Yesterday I came across a list of problems we were having when my daughter was at a bad time. Throwing things, attacking me physically (she drew blood repeatedly), and so forth. The interesting thing is that I was, at the time, correlating her bad behavior to her thirst. (I could stay on top of her hunger and sleepiness, but thirst was harder). The thirstier she was, the more likely to explode. Given what I know now, I know the thirst to be more or less a red herring. It's not that thirst didn't have this effect (maybe it did), but that thirst was hardly the underlying cause. I had forgotten that this had even been a concern!

 

Something similar happened with us with irregular sleeping hours. Years ago, I kept a very tight eye on the family's sleep schedule, because when I didn't, life was terrible. I would be miserable, my husband would be cranky, the kids would be out of control. I remember ducking out of church events (say, youth lock-ins) because I knew that everything would fall apart the next day.

 

After we got some good counseling, however, that reaction to lack of sleep vanished. Even after a short night, things would be pretty normal.

 

It turned out that the reason that we needed a full night's sleep was that every one of us was having to use 100% of our emotional resources to control ourselves. As soon as anything went wrong—too much caffeine, not enough sleep, thirst, anything—we didn't have the resources to contain within us the emotions surging within, emotions that we were unaware of. So even though the problem appeared to be caffeine or sleep, the problem was in fact relational and emotional.

 

And all this happened while I was thinking of our home as an unusually calm and pleasant one, with people who treat each other well and respond to each other in a measured, kind way. Lots of that was truth, too. But there were tools missing in our toolbox, and that was enough to create a family teetering on the brink.