Reconnecting with a rebellious/prodigal child

[JessReplanted]

Thanks for the insight.

Edited October 21, 2012 by JessReplanted

[Durriyyah]

I can't say that I've been in this exact situation, but my oldest is from a previous relationship and there's been some dramatic times where she said she wanted to live with him, and my parents are divorced, and my mom moved when I was 16. So, hoping I can at least empathize in the right direction. :)

 

I would say she liked having you in arm's reach. She probably knew it was safe to treat you the way she did, and she would always be welcomed back. Now that you aren't completely available to her, she wants to make sure she's still welcome.

 

I would get her the plane ticket, and when she's there I would treat her like nothing is wrong most of the time, but make sure to have a discussion with her that even though you are the parents, and more is expected of you, your feelings are still hurt in how she treats you. She needs to understand that she can't expect you to be perfect and always be available when she pushes you away, and that her actions have been hurtful. I honestly don't think most kids, until they have their own kids, can see that their parents aren't supposed to be perfect.

 

I would also make sure not to "suck up" to her, like buying her tons of gifts and letting her do whatever she wants. She should know that she is welcome in YOUR home, not that she gets to come and make it all about her when she wants. Even as teens and adults, humans need to know where the limits are in a loving way.

[bolt.]

I don't have any direct experience, so I don't think I should contribute much, but one thing I find very useful in tough situations is to use my personal vocabulary choices to help shape my attitude, which is one of the most powerful ways to infulence my behaviour (and therefore my relationships). When a person consiously chooses their own vocabulary, they are making a powerful choice that's actually very easy.

 

So, I'm suggesting that you not use (for yourself in your own mind) words like 'rebelious' or 'prodigal' to discribe your step-child. Those words are not fair to her, and they are not (theologically) accurate to the situation, and that kind of thinking is very much going to effect your attitude -> behaviour -> relationship, if you keep thinking in 'loaded' terms like that. About what happened when she was 10, try using words that are charitable, or at least neutral, like, "childishly confused" or "in over her head, making big decisions like that" or "a little girl suffering enormous relational stress".

 

About what's happening now, maybe say, "she seems interested in checking out a possible relationship with her father / us" as well as, "she's a teenager with an immature brain, who is expected to be irrational from time to time" and "she's working on personal independance, which can be very challenging for her, especially when she confuses lattitude with love".

 

I know this can come across as 'nit picking' and even like someone is trying to be your "thought police" -- I've had people get really angry at my suggestion that a change of personal vocabulary can powerfully help a situation... but I really believe it can, so I keep offering. It's well worth thinking about.

[Aelwydd]

I don't have any direct experience, so I don't think I should contribute much, but one thing I find very useful in tough situations is to use my personal vocabulary choices to help shape my attitude, which is one of the most powerful ways to infulence my behaviour (and therefore my relationships). When a person consiously chooses their own vocabulary, they are making a powerful choice that's actually very easy.

 

So, I'm suggesting that you not use (for yourself in your own mind) words like 'rebelious' or 'prodigal' to discribe your step-child. Those words are not fair to her, and they are not (theologically) accurate to the situation, and that kind of thinking is very much going to effect your attitude -> behaviour -> relationship, if you keep thinking in 'loaded' terms like that. About what happened when she was 10, try using words that are charitable, or at least neutral, like, "childishly confused" or "in over her head, making big decisions like that" or "a little girl suffering enormous relational stress".

 

About what's happening now, maybe say, "she seems interested in checking out a possible relationship with her father / us" as well as, "she's a teenager with an immature brain, who is expected to be irrational from time to time" and "she's working on personal independance, which can be very challenging for her, especially when she confuses lattitude with love".

 

I know this can come across as 'nit picking' and even like someone is trying to be your "thought police" -- I've had people get really angry at my suggestion that a change of personal vocabulary can powerfully help a situation... but I really believe it can, so I keep offering. It's well worth thinking about.

 

I agree. I felt kind of sorry for the girl in question because of how she's been labeled. She was just a child when the break off occurred, and it happened after years of being "fought over" by two sets of parents, probably with different value systems.

 

Of course she was "mean" and "dramatic" about her leaving. She was probably very hurt, frustrated, and tired of the meanness and drama from the adults in her life since the age of 4. I think an 11 year deserves more than a little grace and understanding for finally having had enough.

 

I don't think the question is is this girl really ready and serious about a reunion so much as is your family ready for it? Trying to remake her into some salvaged soul who came home as the prodigal is neither fair to her, nor it is particularly charitable.

 

If you want a relationship with her, you need to give her the space to define how it will be for now, because when she was child, no one consulted her when they proceeded to take apart her original family.

[MBM]

I just want to make sure we go about this wisely. I don't want to just buy her a plane ticket if it's going to backfire in our face. Should we try to 'rebuild' in steps - have some phone conversations, ask some of the hard questions now? Or, should we just be thankful that she wants to see us, and take things as they come?

 

A visit would be a good way to start rebuilding the relationships.

 

At this point, accept her texting. Don't ask hard questions now. During her visit, as she feels comfortable, she might start to open up to you, but don't push her too much.

 

For now I would just ask for her input in scheduling some activities that all of you could enjoy. Give her time to be alone with her dad which she might decide to do during the visit, so be flexible. Practically speaking, you could also ask her what foods she would like you to get for her visit or if she has any other special needs.

 

People often don't know how difficult it is to be a good stepmother. One of our family friends is a professor emeritus at Northwestern U's Family Institute and he believes the stepmother often has the most difficult position in stepfamilies. You sound like a loving stepmother, IMO. Good luck with the visit.

ETA: I agree with Durriyyah to let your stepdaughter know what your boundaries are.

Edited October 21, 2012 by MBM
added more info

[SwallowTail]

I don't have any direct experience, so I don't think I should contribute much, but one thing I find very useful in tough situations is to use my personal vocabulary choices to help shape my attitude, which is one of the most powerful ways to infulence my behaviour (and therefore my relationships). When a person consiously chooses their own vocabulary, they are making a powerful choice that's actually very easy.

 

So, I'm suggesting that you not use (for yourself in your own mind) words like 'rebelious' or 'prodigal' to discribe your step-child. Those words are not fair to her, and they are not (theologically) accurate to the situation, and that kind of thinking is very much going to effect your attitude -> behaviour -> relationship, if you keep thinking in 'loaded' terms like that. About what happened when she was 10, try using words that are charitable, or at least neutral, like, "childishly confused" or "in over her head, making big decisions like that" or "a little girl suffering enormous relational stress".

 

About what's happening now, maybe say, "she seems interested in checking out a possible relationship with her father / us" as well as, "she's a teenager with an immature brain, who is expected to be irrational from time to time" and "she's working on personal independance, which can be very challenging for her, especially when she confuses lattitude with love".

 

I know this can come across as 'nit picking' and even like someone is trying to be your "thought police" -- I've had people get really angry at my suggestion that a change of personal vocabulary can powerfully help a situation... but I really believe it can, so I keep offering. It's well worth thinking about.

 

Yes!

 

Open your arms and heart for this child, love on her (not with gifts as pp stated) just with lots of good times together on your visit. Don't press her to talk, but be open to it.

[Samiam]

I'd keep in mind, at this age, it's possible there's something happening in her life with her Mom that is making her unhappy. Normal teenage drama type stuff. Doesn't mean her Mom is doing something wrong, but something that is not going over well with the daughter...so she's using you guys as her "escape route". You know, doesn't like what is happening at home, so I'm gonna go live with my real dad! She's probably fantasized what life would be like with you guys, every time she has trouble at home. Been there, done that myself, as a product of divorce with no contact with one parent.

 

So that could be what is causing this sudden interest. So she may come with high hopes and unrealistic expectations. She may leave with a different, more accurate picture, and then decide life isn't as bad as she thought at home.

 

On the other hand, she could truly want to come just because she wants to be with her Dad, and you, and wants a real relationship.

 

It is really going to depend on her maturity level at this point. At this age, it could go either way.

 

But for your side, I'd recommend welcoming her with open arms. Showing love, affection, but true life. This is not the time for hard questions. And frankly, when that time does come, I don't believe you should be the one asking. It needs to be her Dad having a one-to-one conversation, to open those doors. He's truly the one she is seeking. You are just an extra along for the ride at this point. And maybe, depending what her mom has whispered in her daughter's ear, she may have some really bad thoughts about you. It's your job to just be yourself, but be involved, a side-kick to the Dad, without taking over Mom duties, at this point. If the situation evolves into a good situation, and the relationship continues down a good path, there will be a time where you and the daughter can sit down and have a open, honest heart to heart, because by that point the daughter has already seen you for you, and gotten to know that you are not there to be the bad guy.

 

Good luck!

[MooCow]

Fly her out to visit, and be "normal" with her. She was (and still is) a child when she made those choices, and I for one would hate to have stuff I did as a child be held against me. Not saying that's what you'll do, but she's grown up some.

 

Unconditional love is what they need. And let me tell you, I was such a turd to my step-mom growing up, I felt horrible when I remarried and my dh was the "step"dad. (he's their Dad in their hearts), and my stepmom's wisdom and loving acceptance of me made it all possible. God truly knew what I needed when He gave me her; I'm so grateful that I get it now.

 

PS I call her Mom now and have since I was a young adult. :D

[JessReplanted]

I would say she liked having you in arm's reach. She probably knew it was safe to treat you the way she did, and she would always be welcomed back. Now that you aren't completely available to her, she wants to make sure she's still welcome.

 

I would get her the plane ticket, and when she's there I would treat her like nothing is wrong most of the time, but make sure to have a discussion with her that even though you are the parents, and more is expected of you, your feelings are still hurt in how she treats you. She needs to understand that she can't expect you to be perfect and always be available when she pushes you away, and that her actions have been hurtful. I honestly don't think most kids, until they have their own kids, can see that their parents aren't supposed to be perfect..

 

Thanks for your insight. I figured that the distance had something to do with her sudden interest in us, but didn't even think about her wanting to know if she would still be welcome.

 

A visit would be a good way to start rebuilding the relationships.

 

At this point, accept her texting. Don't ask hard questions now. During her visit, as she feels comfortable, she might start to open up to you, but don't push her too much.

 

For now I would just ask for her input in scheduling some activities that all of you could enjoy. Give her time to be alone with her dad which she might decide to do during the visit, so be flexible. Practically speaking, you could also ask her what foods she would like you to get for her visit or if she has any other special needs.

People often don't know how difficult it is to be a good stepmother. One of our family friends is a professor emeritus at Northwestern U's Family Institute and he believes the stepmother often has the most difficult position in stepfamilies. You sound like a loving stepmother, IMO. Good luck with the visit..

 

Thank you! These are things I needed to hear.

[mommytobees]

I think you are wise to tread carefully.

 

First, the other ladies have a point. You need to adjust your thinking on WHO is coming back into your lives. I've been that little girl, and even now at 15/16 years old she is still very much a little girl. She is a little girl who needs a daddy. I look at my daughter (sitting feet from me) and she does NOT have the option to go and visit her father (we are currently separated). She doesn't get to remove him from HER life. The BM in this situation made a HUGE mistake. You may NOT bring up her past mistakes and the way she handled her "exit". THAT wasn't her fault OR her responsibility. That was her MOTHER's doing. This has to be a fresh slate.

 

So, WHO is coming back into your lives? I wouldn't say rebellious until she acts that way tomorrow (whenever tomorrow is). I also wouldn't say prodigal. I would say My Daughter, Step-daughter, Sister is reentering our lives.

 

She wants to come and visit. But, after the first visit OR the first week she is NO LONGER A VISITOR. You. Your Dh. And SHE (cause her opinion counts) have to make a decision AFTER the first visit.... does she want a HOME with you.

 

As for this: "She has not said that she misses us or anything that might indicate affection. When I try to call her, she doesn't answer the phone. She only wants to text."

 

Don't be too surprised. **FROM HER VIEW*** Remember, this child was abandoned by her father. He allowed her to stop visiting. She should NOT have been allowed to abandon her father and his family. Think about how this has been twisted both by an immature brain and her mother. She isn't going to want to love ANY of you until you PROVE that you love her. Until you PROVE that you aren't going to hurt her. (I'm not discussing the siblings until later in this post.)

 

HOW to do this. Again, tread carefully. You are now the parents of a teenage daughter. If I had to go from 11 to 15/16 with no time to process I'd be in for a rude shock.

 

What are HER rules? You can't say she has the same rules as the 9 year old, 'cause that just isn't going to work. You and your Dh have to come up with rules and regulations BEFORE she comes. If you ask for her input, while she is sitting at the table with BOTH of you. Ex: We feel that for the good of the house you should have a "bed time". We don't expect you to go to sleep (teens sleep when THEY are ready, NOT when you are), but we do expect you to head to the room we are providing you while you are here visiting. What time do you think is reasonable? Then negotiate a decent time. Stick with simple and clear cut rules. Add to them as visits become regular.

 

What are her chores going to be? Again, after the first week/ visit you'll want to have already discussed and established what YOUR/Dh's thoughts are. You and your husband HAVE to be united on this topic, just like the rules, BUT, give her the option to say what chores SHE wants/ likes/ hates to do. At 15/16 years old she is old enough to not just give input, but also give her own strategy.

 

The first visit.

 

If there is any chance possible, I would go to her and visit....BUT.... it has to be BOTH of you. It can't be Daddy alone. She needs to see Daddy & Jess as a united front at ALL times. That goes for visits in either direction as well as daily life. There is no playing Daddy off Jess.

 

If there isn't, then you'll just have to jump into the pond feet first. I would recommend that you NOT do a major holiday. The standard stress is already there, but then you add in the lack of intimacy that she already feels.... Thanksgiving/ Christmas is just a bad idea.

 

First visit, lets say a week: Should NOT be a vacation-packed-with-fun event nor should it be all about gifts. It SHOULD be about life. Not normal-daily life, but life. Daddy should be off work as much as possible.

~ You should have different age level appropriate games that will allow you to have a distraction but still have conversations. (Ex: Everyone sits down and plays a family game of _______ that everyone from the 5yo to the adults will "enjoy" and play nicely. To cards or dominos or ______ that are ONLY for the 9yo, SD, and parents to play. Finally down to "adult" games for after bedtime for you three to play together.) Do things that burn energy on the little kids, but still allow you to focus on the family as a whole.

~ Ask SD to help each of you with making supper. If there is a Daddy Special supper, have the two of them work on it together ALONE.

~ Find out what HER favorite thing to do is and see if you can't do it once or twice while she is there.

~ See if You (Jess) and Sd have a hobby that are similar. The point is NOT to spend money, but to spend time.

~ She should do a Daddy Date (what we call it in our house). She should go and spend a few hours alone with her father. If he is uncomfortable, then have it scripted (movie and dinner).

 

Now, the one topic I left out but that I feel is the MOST important alongside the mental well-being of your SD. Your children. You have 3 children ages 9, 6, & 5 (reading your sig line). What are their feelings about SD? I'm most concerned with the 9yo. He may well remember the last time she visited. Something to note, your SD's feelings about her siblings might be mixed as well. If they are pests out of exuberance, then she is going to react as any teen would towards siblings who are distanced from her--irritated. If they are rude or in any way disrespectful, she isn't going to be nice.

 

I mention _your_ children's behavior first because I suspect it is NOT going to be an issue. I am guessing you'll have their number and be on top of any behavior not acceptable in your household already. (I'm thinking it is one of those cases where someone states the obvious and you nod your head and say "uh, ya!")

 

Her behavior towards your children is my biggest concern. If this goes wrong she could hurt your children. I would talk to your Dh. There are a few considerations which I would NOT compromise on.

~ 1) SD must have her own room. She may not share with the younger children. If there isn't a place for her, then she sleeps in someone's room or the living room or ______ and she has space in the linen closet for her stuff. She does NOT share with the little girls during the night or at any time where she cannot be supervised.

~ 2) No babysitting any. time. soon.

~ 3) Rules/ Privileges are NOT the same nor are they equal. What flies in my house may or may not fly in your house. Have a way to say, "I don't have an answer for that right now..." Then in private with Dh/ you the rule/ regulation is established.

~ 4) Sibling disputes. She IS their sister, BUT, she is NOT the sister who grew up with the same rules and expectations. When my kids go at it, I let them. At ages 8 & 5 their interactions were different than now at 14 & 11. I only intervene when I feel someone is about to go too far (teen boy and temper type issues). Your children know how to fight, they have been doing it well for the past 4-8 years. DO NOT EXPECT your SD to know how to interact with your children, but, do not fall into the trap of treating her like one of your children. Treat sibling disputes the same way you would with a cousin or a friend's child.

~ 5) Be on the same page with your husband.

 

If you play this right the long-term relationship between the siblings could be strong, very strong. The relationship I have with my own sister (half-sib on my father's side) is stronger than the relationship I have with any other family member but my mom. In my case my father is an (expletive), but the relationship development was _because_ of my (now ex) step-mom (sister's mom).

 

Alright, that is all I can think of right now. Please don't be hard on your SD. Give her a chance, but still protect yourself and your husband AND your children.

 

Kris