Social situations: Normal kid issue or due to SN?

[FairProspects]

Older ds really struggles in unstructured group situations but does well in more structured settings. Example:

 

Structured playdate w/Moms present and available - zero to the occasional minor problem

Unstructured neighborhood groups w/no imm. adult supervision - major problems including meltdowns, physical fighting, bad language, etc.

 

I'm not sure if this is to be expected from groups of kids playing alone, or if this is a skill ds needs to develop. :confused: There is also a big personality conflict between ds and one of the neighborhood boys that I'm sure plays a role here too (as in they have zero in common except living next to each other and still insist on playing together out of convenience).

 

I'm wondering if by cherry-picking kids and families I know he will get along with and by structuring the time frame (ie after a couple hours we leave because I know as an introvert he needs space after awhile) I'm depriving him of learning how to monitor himself? He can't seem to recognize on his own when he needs a break and should walk away. I don't know if I should expect that of an 8 y.o. or if that is not age-appropriate.

 

He does have SPD and is not great about reading people's signs - he doesn't realize he's annoying someone, or he argues about being right and doesn't see that others are frustrated, but why would he have so many issues with one kid in a certain situation and not with others? How do I help him work through the personality issue? Both boys want to continue to play together even though they fight, and the other Mom is great and supportive.

[Crimson Wife]

I'd say from my observations that kids in general do tend to have a lot more conflict and meltdowns in unstructured, minimally supervised, large group activities. That said, SN issues can often exacerbate that general tendency. :grouphug:

[mktkcb]

ok, my older son had/has similar issues, and 8 is very young still. My son is now 15.5, and has improved a lot. If the other mom really is great and supportive then educate her a little about spd, and supervise interaction as much as possible so you can coach the situations as they come up. If she knows some of your son's limitations socially, then she can maybe coach her son a bit on how best to deal with your son. Maybe do some role play with both of them. The more you supervise, the quicker you can intervene & coach or end the play session altogether. My son is a teensy bit aspie-ish, and, yes, there are certain people that can just get his goat twice as quickly as others. Look at this as a learning opportunity. If the other mom was unconcerned, my advice would be different, but I would try to work with this. Be proactive, and before he goes out, have a standard list of social reminders for potential situations & how to respond. Go over them every time. Be concrete. You know, I'm sure, what "stuff" comes up that makes him mad, or what the other kid does that sets him off. Target those things in a proactive/role playing way ahead of time. Frequently. And he'll get better with age and working on it.