Why is it you are more sensitive to weaknesses in the oldest than other littles?

[Shelly in IL]

Gosh, my oldest (of 2 age 12 youngest 8) is invisible to people. I feel so badly for him, as I was him when I was younger.

 

My youngest is loud, fun and very confident. Oldest is (and has always been) very self conscious and unconfident. Tonight at the pool, I gave him instructions on how to re-make friends with some kids from our church. Youngest jumps in and immediately makes friends, oldest quietly asks, "Can I play, too?" He played, but was so needy, I really felt for him.

 

THis is my Achilles heel. I feel confident in the school stuff, but boy, his unconfident actions break my heart. He is a great kid, smart as a whip and very responsible. He is every parents' dream. What can I do to help him? He gets a fair amount of play time each week with kids, he loves the kids he knows and quickly emerges from his shell.

 

Last week at boy scout camp, he got picked on by 2 members of his group. It just gets my goat. He really needs some instruction on how to stand up for himself, too. He is excellent at turning the other cheek.

 

Thanks for the read. Any suggestions would be helpful.

[DB in NJ]

Ya know, my oldest was like that when he was 12. He has become, at 17, a confident, comfortable, friendly young man. How did this happen? Well, he grew up! And he was accepted by us and other adults and eventually he started to accept himself. That's when he became more confident around kids his age.

 

Just give him time and a lot of love and lots of opportunities to be with people who accept him. My son was born without a left hand; he needed to accept the fact that EVERYBODY has things about themselves that they wish were different, but you can't let those things stop you from LIVING.

 

I heard this the other day, and it sums it up well: The brave may not live long, but the cautious don't live at all. I forget where I heard it, which is a shame, because I'd love to give credit where credit is due.

 

((((Shelly))))

[Melissa in Australia]

my oldest is like this as well. he always gets overlooked by everyone. his slightly younger brother makes friends so easily. the oldest has only 1 friend who lives 3000 km away.

 

this is what I have done that has helped a lot.I have put them both in Basket ball, they are in the same team. the oldest is 6'3" and towers over all the other kids he now has turned into a basket ball hero in the area, everyone wants to be on his team. he is so shy, he just smiles. it has really built up his self esteem. he has to play with his younger brother in the team which has improved their relationship as well.

 

I was the oldest of 8. I was invisible to people too. I wonder if it is genetic and I have passed it on to my son

[Sweetpeach]

Tonight at the pool, I gave him instructions on how to re-make friends with some kids from our church. Youngest jumps in and immediately makes friends, oldest quietly asks, "Can I play, too?" He played, but was so needy, I really felt for him.

 

THis is my Achilles heel. I feel confident in the school stuff, but boy, his unconfident actions break my heart. He is a great kid, smart as a whip and very responsible. He is every parents' dream. What can I do to help him?

 

 

Hi Shelly in IL,

 

I'm interested in your question, although from a different angle . . . do you think deep down that the other children are making your child feel "left out"? We often struggle with the vibe that our boys aren't inclusive . . . we've been in this exact situation you've described except on the other end.

 

I'm torn between telling my boys to always look to include but balance that with the fact that they're kids and sometimes just want to play without the trickiness. Kids don't have the same sense of social refinement - we're always looking to teach and guide, but I find my boys gravitate to the other easy kids. KWIM? My heart beats for the outsiders, but that's my spiritual gifting and it's a tall order for kiddies to get that all the time.

 

I really feel for you and your dilemma. I hope you can find a way to show your oldest that he has lots to offer in a friendship.

 

Warmly, Tricia

[Shelly in IL]

I think kids gravitate towards those who are outgoing and friendly. My son would be the one that let the other kids say "hi" to him first and they would have to invite him in to their play. Like you said, I don't think kids are that savvy- they sense it as weakness and tend to start the pecking order - by pecking on him!

 

Also, we live on a farm, so he doesn't have constant exposure to kid dynamics as someone who might live in a subdivision would. So, he isn't practiced up on his skills, and he hasn't figured out that sometimes kids are nice and sometimes they are mean - so he gets hurt easily.

 

Unfortunately, when we walk up to talk to a group as a family, he is also invisible. Adults seem to miss him and speak only to my youngest. I keep telling him to put a smile on and say hi loudly and step forward. It is hard when you are shy already, though.

 

Thanks for the understanding.