jen3kids Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 This is what my 10 year old wrote for the assignment (write 2 descriptive paragraphs, making sure to include a transition sentence. The lake is an ideal place for little duckling to go with there mother. The lake has lots of drift-wood floating around where mother ducks can teach the little ones how to dive. The lake also has little coves somewhat like duck motels were you would spend the night. Ducks of all sort love the lake. There are many surroundings around the lake, but the most noticeable one is the shore. The shore has a variety of trees most of them short a few of them tall. There is one large rock the size of a mini-van known as the basking rock. Little duckling just love it here! We edited it a bit to this: The lake is an ideal place for little duckling to go with their mother. The lake has lots of driftwood floating around where mother ducks can teach the little ones how to dive. The lake also has little coves somewhat like duck motels where you would spend the night. Ducks of all sort love the lake. Not only is the water perfect but the shore is too! There are many pretty things around the lake, but the most noticeable one is the shore. The shore has a variety of trees, most of them short; a few of them tall. There is one large rock the size of a mini-van known as the basking rock. Little ducklings just love it here! We'd like some feedback on both, please! Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarrieF Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Transition in the revision is very nice. :001_smile: One "trick" I use with my kids and my students (teach writing at co-op) is that every sentence has to start with a different word. It keeps them "thinking" and eliminates the repetitious use of the familiar/overused. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 I think it's good. I would encourage him to find ways not to repeat "the lake" as a sentence starter so many times. My son recently did that assignment. His problem was that he got too carried away and gave me a page and a half typed. That might sound nice, but it was not so organized (and kinda just went on a tangent). I felt the need to back up a little bit. This was his 2nd attempt at the assignment. His earlier attempt moved into islands, volcanoes and bad guys. It was an interesting story, but not cohesive, and definitely not what the assignment asked for. Transition in the revision is very nice. :001_smile:One "trick" I use with my kids and my students (teach writing at co-op) is that every sentence has to start with a different word. It keeps them "thinking" and eliminates the repetitious use of the familiar/overused. ;) Thank you. I noticed that, but didn't say anything about it. I think it is great to get feedback from others so he doesn't feel like I completely tear apart his work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Heh, nice to know I'm not alone. And it's hard because they feel so proud of their stories. ;) So true! "Look how much I wrote! I love my story!" Ah, it's not supposed to be a story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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