jamajo Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I do believe this is one of the best papers my daughter has written. However, there is always room for improvement. Please comment if you will. Personal Narrative from Week 18 MFW WHL. Ignore spacing..cut n past disaster. Thanks! My heartless deed I could hear the king in the other room. Craning my neck around the palace wall, I could see King Herod throwing one of his royal tantrums. His face once creamy in color was now blotched with a bright beet red as he was shouting with anger and frustration. I turned to see the victim of this rant. It was John the Baptist, the prophet. He patiently listened to King Herod's objections but still responded “It is not lawful for you to have her.†I couldn't believe my ears! Was this man rejecting the joining of King Herod and my mother, Herodias? Sure, she was already married to my father, King Herod's brother Philip, but Herod is the king! I could see the steam blowing out of the King's puffy red ears as he barked to the servants, “I order you to kill...†He suddenly paused as he reconsidered, “No, instead of killing this wretch, throw him into prison!†I hid myself behind the smooth marble wall as the servants quickly passed me with John the Baptist in their grasp. I looked back at them as John the Baptist left the throne room with an angelic peace as he was dragged to the dungeon. “Happy Birthday to the King! Let him continue to steer this country into prosperity and fulfillment as he continues another year during his long reign!†The palace shouted. The kingdom was filled with happiness and celebration as the king threw himself and the guests a party. During the party, the servants pampered me as I prepared to do a royal dance in Herod's honor. Perfume filled the room like the smoke of a fire in a closed room. Silks and robes with deep reds and royal purples were quickly thrown over me. The servant girl showered me in gold and silver jewelry and a crown encrusted in rubies and diamonds. Finished, I gracefully entered King Herod's presence as I took position on the marble floor. Palace guards, servants, advisers, and residents surrounded the open floor to see me. The servants began to play the harps as I began. I gently lifted my leg to my head and spun around beginning my dance. I continued with leaps, complicated splits and delicate footwork. After showing off my dance, I finished with a swan like pirouette. King Herod leaped for joy as he declared an oath that he would give me whatever I desired, for he was greatly pleased with my dance. My eyes blew up like saucers as I greedily thought of items and places I could easily posses on command. In my mind, I went through a list of things I could have when my mother, Herodias, demanded my presence. I politely excused myself from the King as I gradually made my way to my mother. She had a greedy demeanor as she forced my face to her mouth whispering, “Ask for John the Baptist's head.†Against my will I slowly dragged my feet toward the king's throne as I requested, “Give me here on a platter the head of John the Baptist.†The king's smile quickly turned sour as he looked around the room at the guests, he answered, “Let it be done!†As the party guests continued the celebration of Herod's birthday, the servants finally came back to me with the head. The blood slowly trickled off the platter as the guests laughed haughtily. I looked at it with disgust as I gave it to my mother who looked at it with pleasure and satisfaction. That day I realized how cruel my mother and this kingdom really was. I sorrowfully retreated to my chambers without a possession of my own in my delicately manicured hands. As I lay down in my bed of rose petals, I heard mourning outside of the palace. I looked outside of my window and saw what seemed like twelve men carrying a headless body to a grave. They shouted to the sky with great pain. Realizing that I was the one who caused this great mourning, I went back to my bed struggling to go to sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Yes there is definitely room for improvement. She needs to finish this novel - I want to read it!!!! She's an awesome writer. You and your daughter should be very proud of her work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I have no idea if this is actually what is meant by "personal narrative" - but I enjoyed reading it very much. She writes very well! One small thing that caught my attention: she describes everything in very rich detail - except for the moment when her mother commands her to ask for John's head and she does it. To me, that should be the climax of the scene, and I would have expected there to be something - hesitation, disbelief, horror, some emotion instead of just the half - sentence " Against my will I slowly dragged my feet toward the king's throne". I would have expected this moment to stretch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosmos Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I hope you don't mind that I fixed the spacing. Personally, I find it very difficult to ignore erratic spacing. I can't concentrate on the content! So this version may be helpful for others like me. (I would suggest breaking up the paragraphs even further. They are quite long and include quotations from multiple speakers.) My heartless deed I could hear the king in the other room. Craning my neck around the palace wall, I could see King Herod throwing one of his royal tantrums. His face once creamy in color was now blotched with a bright beet red as he was shouting with anger and frustration. I turned to see the victim of this rant. It was John the Baptist, the prophet. He patiently listened to King Herod's objections but still responded “It is not lawful for you to have her.†I couldn't believe my ears! Was this man rejecting the joining of King Herod and my mother, Herodias? Sure, she was already married to my father, King Herod's brother Philip, but Herod is the king! I could see the steam blowing out of the King's puffy red ears as he barked to the servants, “I order you to kill...†He suddenly paused as he reconsidered, “No, instead of killing this wretch, throw him into prison!†I hid myself behind the smooth marble wall as the servants quickly passed me with John the Baptist in their grasp. I looked back at them as John the Baptist left the throne room with an angelic peace as he was dragged to the dungeon. “Happy Birthday to the King! Let him continue to steer this country into prosperity and fulfillment as he continues another year during his long reign!†The palace shouted. The kingdom was filled with happiness and celebration as the king threw himself and the guests a party. During the party, the servants pampered me as I prepared to do a royal dance in Herod's honor. Perfume filled the room like the smoke of a fire in a closed room. Silks and robes with deep reds and royal purples were quickly thrown over me. The servant girl showered me in gold and silver jewelry and a crown encrusted in rubies and diamonds. Finished, I gracefully entered King Herod's presence as I took position on the marble floor. Palace guards, servants, advisers, and residents surrounded the open floor to see me. The servants began to play the harps as I began. I gently lifted my leg to my head and spun around beginning my dance. I continued with leaps, complicated splits and delicate footwork. After showing off my dance, I finished with a swan like pirouette. King Herod leaped for joy as he declared an oath that he would give me whatever I desired, for he was greatly pleased with my dance. My eyes blew up like saucers as I greedily thought of items and places I could easily posses on command. In my mind, I went through a list of things I could have when my mother, Herodias, demanded my presence. I politely excused myself from the King as I gradually made my way to my mother. She had a greedy demeanor as she forced my face to her mouth whispering, “Ask for John the Baptist's head.†Against my will I slowly dragged my feet toward the king's throne as I requested, “Give me here on a platter the head of John the Baptist.†The king's smile quickly turned sour as he looked around the room at the guests, he answered, “Let it be done!†As the party guests continued the celebration of Herod's birthday, the servants finally came back to me with the head. The blood slowly trickled off the platter as the guests laughed haughtily. I looked at it with disgust as I gave it to my mother who looked at it with pleasure and satisfaction. That day I realized how cruel my mother and this kingdom really was. I sorrowfully retreated to my chambers without a possession of my own in my delicately manicured hands. As I lay down in my bed of rose petals, I heard mourning outside of the palace. I looked outside of my window and saw what seemed like twelve men carrying a headless body to a grave. They shouted to the sky with great pain. Realizing that I was the one who caused this great mourning, I went back to my bed struggling to go to sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamajo Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 Thank you Cosmos for doing that for me. Thanks for your comments. If you read some of her earlier papers I can hardly believe she pulled this off. Maybe this type of writing is more her speed instead of some of the other essays she's done. I hope others have more constructive criticism and comments to add. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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