Help Me evaluate WWS writing

[happycc]

My dd is 9yrs old. She'll be ten in March. She is in 4th grade.

Do you think she is ready for WWS? Feedback/suggestions? I am having a hard time figuring what to tell her on how to improve these.

 

WWS Week one Day one

 

One morning, the Pepins woke up and saw they had toads in their shoes! The toads were keeping them from putting on their shoes so they asked Mr. Bradshaw for help. They found out that Mr. Bradshaw had toads in his shoes so they started thinking of a solution.

 

WWS Week One Day two

 

While Sylvia was on a train, a man behind her was bothering her. He was eating many cakes and kept offering her some. Just then the trained stopped because they were surrounded by wolves! One wolf had broke in through the window but the strange man behind Sylvia quickly stabbed it with a piece of glass.

 

WWS Week one Day 3

 

Peter was the ruler of Russia for many years. He loved the west. He even found a rotten boat from the west once and thought it was fascinating. But Peter couldn't go to Europe because the Russian port was to cold. So Peter attached a demand for surrender paper on an arrow and ordered a soldier to shoot it in Asov. Peter soon attacked Azov and used it's warmer port to go west.

 

WWS Week 2 Day 1

One day two brothers had gone into the forest to cut down a tree and met a man. He wanted their food but they refused . When they cut down tree they got very hurt. Then Dullhead went off in the forest and when the same man asked him for food he gave him some. When Dullhead cut down the tree he found a golden goose. After that he went to an Inn. These three girls wanted the golden goose so they went to steal it the got stuck to it!

Edited February 8, 2012 by happycc

[happycc]

Anyone please?

[Halcyon]

It might help to see what my 9 year old son came up with for Week 1 Day 4: (I posted this on the WWS thread)

 

The first version is his initial draft. The following is his reworked, typed, final draft (I require him to rewrite some of his writing, and this one definitely needed it. I think he began to get tired towards the end.

 

Draft of Day 4: (this versions was AFTER he had made a list of the chronology of the story, events, etc., and read the instructions to cross out anything non-imperative )

 

Dullhead was the youngest of three sons who all met a little man. The little man asked each one of the sons for food and drink but all of them refused except for Dullhead who let him eat. Since Dullhead was nice to the old man, he told him to cut down a tree and he will find a golden goose there, and sure enough...he did! Dullard went to a hotel and stayed there for the night. Three sisters wanted just one feather so while Dullhead was asleep each one snuck in, but when they touched the goose, the got stuck on it. When Dullhead left, they had to follow and soon the parson, clerk, and two peasants were following Dullhead. The king was offering anyone who could make his daughter laugh to take her as his bride. When Dullhead walked over to her, she laughed when she saw the seven people following him but the king did not like Dullhead. The king gave Dullhead tests, and with each one the little man helped him, so in the end, Dullhead and the princess were married.

 

After some suggestions and reworking, this is what his final draft looks like:

Dullhead was the youngest of three sons who all met a little man. The little man asked each one of the sons for food and drink, but all of them refused except for Dullhead. Since Dullhead was nice to the little man, he let him take a golden goose. Dullhead met three girls who tried to take a feather from the golden goose, but when they touched it, they got stuck to it. When Dullhead left, they had to follow him, and the parson, clerk and two peasants who tried to help one another got stuck to the goose, also. The King was offering his daughter as a reward if anyone could make her laugh. She laughed when she saw the seven people following Dullhead, but the King didn’t like him. The King gave Dullhead tests and with each one, the little man helped him and in the end, Dullhead and the princess were married.

Edited February 8, 2012 by Halcyon

[Halcyon]

Here's his Week 1 Day 3 summary:

 

"Peter wanted to go to the west but there were no ports for the ships, except the one in Azov which was ruled by the Turks. He laid siege on the port and demanded a surrender. The Turks refused because they could sail in and out of Azov to get supplies. Peter built a navy to block their ships and Azov was conquered.

[Halcyon]

I am going to print out your daughter's and make some notes and repost them here-it's hard for me to "think" on screen ;)

[abrightmom]

happycc,

 

I don't have any feedback re: WWS for your daughter as we are not there yet. I enjoy reading on this writing forum to learn how to evaluate my children's writing. However, I'm curious. Is your DD using WWE2 AND WWS? Your signature indicates this so it perplexes me. If she is using WWE2 then she isn't ready for WWS. If she is using WWS then she's 3 levels ahead of WWE2.

 

It's been a long day and I tend to miss the finer details so if I'm way off base feel free to ignore me. :001_smile:

[Cosmos]

My dd is 9yrs old. She'll be ten in March. She is in 4th grade.

Do you think she is ready for WWS? Feedback/suggestions? I am having a hard time figuring what to tell her on how to improve these.

 

The first three are excellent summaries. Why do you want to improve them? Check them against the rubric and call it done. You work on style later in the program.

 

Depending on what she's learned in grammar so far, I would either have her find the grammar/mechanics mistakes or act as editor and show her how to fix them. I notice she uses a lot of compound sentences, which is great. Make sure she knows how to punctuate those. Personally, I ban the use of exclamation points in school writing. We'd have mayhem, otherwise. :lol:

 

The last summary is more problematic.

 

One day two brothers had gone into the forest to cut down a tree and met a man. He wanted their food but they refused . When they cut down tree they got very hurt. Then Dullhead went off in the forest and when the same man asked him for food he gave him some. When Dullhead cut down the tree he found a golden goose. After that he went to an Inn. These three girls wanted the golden goose so they went to steal it the got stuck to it!

Unfortunately, this leaves out a large portion of the story. The hard part about this assignment is condensing the whole story down to the required number of sentences. It is tough, no doubt! I had to ask my ds to do this assignment over again, and I know I'm not the only one. I made him go back and read the directions carefully and follow them to a T. His second attempt was a huge improvement, though it still needed some revision.

[happycc]

hence the crazy writing curriculum issue. She has been exposed to some things but not others. She is advanced in some things perhaps and not in others. She is also taking the 4th grade Star test for her charter school and I am not giving her grandparents and bio mom any reason to take them away from us.

 

WWE2 has been great exposure to classics works which she did not read at all in ps. In PS the reading books were Diary of a Wimpy kid books and A LOT of the Magic Treehouse books as well as Goosebumps and A-Z mysteries. So their reading and auditory level and comprehension was not as great when considering the fine works of the classics. It was a huge learning curve to understand the complex sentences and vocabulary of the classics. Thus this is why we are doing WW2. We are moving pretty quickly through all the grammar and writing skills part as well as the narrations and dictations. It is the comprehending and remember what was read that she struggles with. I love that it gives them a little taste of the classic work and a few of them she actually wants to go and find that book and read it entirely. Otherwise, she would never even bother with that book. Years prior I had tons and tons of classic books lying around and none of them wanted to read them because they had been so "programmed" to read the junk stuff from PS. Now they are actually reading the classics in the house. She also has some holes here and there for grammar too. I focus on those by pulling those out of WWE2. Looks like I will be pulling out the conjunction ones after Cosmos comments so she can go through and fix her writing. (Thank you Cosmos).

 

Since hearing more and more classic works she has started writing more complex sentences. Her comprehension and auditory memory is improving and I am finding that she is starting to pick up harder paper back books to read instead of the same old Diary of the Wimpy Kid stuff. They were literally reading it day after day over and over again. I have had to ban them in the garage a few times.

 

Now the WWS-she is able to to do it seems like. Although her writing is not as sophisticated as the writing samples. I am pretty sure it is due to the lack of vocabulary maybe. I don;t know. This is what I am trying to figure out. I am also liking that the book is slowly helping her to transition to do more independent work as she has to read the book to herself. She likes that too.

 

Does this make sense to my decision in choosing these to go together?

Now for WWE 3 and 4. I think we may just continue doing those just to hear the classics still. I am sure there are still more skills to learn. Opinions anyone else?

Edited February 9, 2012 by happycc

[Halcyon]

My dd is 9yrs old. She'll be ten in March. She is in 4th grade.

Do you think she is ready for WWS? Feedback/suggestions? I am having a hard time figuring what to tell her on how to improve these.

 

WWS Week one Day one

 

One morning, the Pepins woke up and saw they had toads in their shoes! The toads were keeping them from putting on their shoes so they asked Mr. Bradshaw for help. They found out that Mr. Bradshaw had toads in his shoes so they started thinking of a solution.

 

This is good. A couple of missing commas, but she gets the narration down well.

 

WWS Week One Day two

 

While Sylvia was on a train, a man behind her was bothering her. He was eating many cakes and kept offering her some. Just then the trained stopped because they were surrounded by wolves! One wolf had broke in through the window but the strange man behind Sylvia quickly stabbed it with a piece of glass.

 

She could probably pare this down a bit, but good spelling and use of conjunctions.

WWS Week one Day 3

 

Peter was the ruler of Russia for many years. He loved the west. He even found a rotten boat from the west once and thought it was fascinating. But Peter couldn't go to Europe because the Russian port was to cold. So Peter attached a demand for surrender paper on an arrow and ordered a soldier to shoot it in Asov. Peter soon attacked Azov and used it's warmer port to go west.

 

Again, this could be pared down a bit. The second sentence is not necessary. Is it correct to say that Peter couldn't go to Europe because the Russian port was too cold? My understanding was that it was because there were no ports except for the one in Azov? I could be misremembering, of course. The details about Peter demanding a surrender on an arrow--too much. That can be left out. She also needs to specify that Peter conquered Azov by building up a navy. There are a few grammatical errors that my guess is she would "catch" if given another chance to read through.

 

WWS Week 2 Day 1

One day two brothers had gone into the forest to cut down a tree and met a man. He wanted their food but they refused . When they cut down tree they got very hurt. Then Dullhead went off in the forest and when the same man asked him for food he gave him some. When Dullhead cut down the tree he found a golden goose. After that he went to an Inn. These three girls wanted the golden goose so they went to steal it the got stuck to it!

There were three brothers, and all refused to give him food but Dullhead. I think she needs to make that clear in more concise second sentence, somehow combining in the third. "He wanted their food, they all refused except for Dullhead." It also needs to be made clear that the goose was a sort of gift from the man for having fed him. The main part of the story wasn't reached, maybe because she got tired of writing ? (my son had to do this over two days) . The highlight of the story is how Dullhead made the princess laugh, as all the people were stuck on the golden goose, and how the King refused to give him her hand in marriage unless certain tasks were completed. I think she probably just petered out..My son had to write out notes for this first, before writing out his paragraph. Perhaps your daughter might benefit from that? (instructions are in the book).

 

Good luck with your decisions. FWIW, my son finished WWE3 before moving to WWS, and we're going to move slowly. Your daughter would probably benefit from completing WWE3 if she hasn't already.