Please take a look at Dd10 4th grade paragrah and help coach me!

[Aludlam]

I'm attempting to move us away from the WWE workbook and into writing across the curriculum --- without a safety net (except for you guys). I'm starting just in science. We have done WWE1 and WWE2, have just this week started R&S English 4 and AAS4. DD10 is NOT a natural speller.

We (all 3 kids) sat on the couch and read a book about Insects. After finishing, Dd got up to go do her assignment which was to write 5-6 good sentences.

 

This is the completed paragraph:

 

Insects are bugs with six legs. They eat plants or other insects. Most insects live for only one year. Their bodies are divided into three segments. Their segments are the head, thorax and abdomen.

 

Sentence #1: on the paper already when I sat down - no changes

 

Sentence #2: on the paper already when I sat down - no changes

 

Sentence #3: I didn't note her original sentence, but orally it was something like: Insects live for one season, one year or two years. I said something to the affect of it being a little wordy. She thought for a few moments - I believe I said something about using the word most - and just talking about "most" of the insects. She came up with the final sentence.

 

She was stuck at this point, but this book really did jump all over the place. I didn't do a good job of selecting something that would be easily to write about. I said well, what about their bodies? This was the main thing I wanted them to grasp from the book. They will use the info for drawing and labeling tomorrow.

 

Sentence #4: Her original spoken sentence: Their bodies are broken into three pieces. I said that it sounded good, but lets think of some other words that we could use instead of broken and pieces. I proceeded to be Mrs Thesaurus. I rattles off several words. She made the final word choices.

 

Sentence #5: She thought her paper was finished, but I said don't you want to say what these segments are called. She wrote the sentence on her own. I spelled abdomen and thorax on the board for her.

 

Spelling:

there for their - pointed our homophone

bodyes for bodies - I asked if there was a spelling rule for that word - she changed it without further help.

other - asked how to spell - I wrote it on the board

divided - asked how to spell I wrote it on the board

 

That's it. Hope it makes some sense.

I need all the advice you can give. Do you think that the sentences are in good order? (I was wondering if the body segments shouldn't have been written with the number of legs sentence ???)

 

I need help learning how to coach her. I just need any and all writing help that you are willing to give.

 

Please ask me questions if anything needs to be clarified further.

[lewelma]

Insects are bugs with six legs. They eat plants or other insects. Most insects live for only one year. Their bodies are divided into three segments. Their segments are the head, thorax and abdomen.

 

I think that the breadth of the topic is the problem. Here are my recommendations

 

1) Topic: Her paragraph has 3 topics: anatomy, food, and lifespan. She needs 1 topic per paragraph.

 

2) Arrangement: because her paragraph has too many topics, she cannot really have a topic sentence or a concluding sentence.

 

3) Style: She needs to learn to connect these short sentences into longer ones with in IEW terms: the "who/which clause" or the adverbial clause (as, if, although, since, because, etc.) This is almost impossible with the current paragraph because only 2 of the sentences are in any way related. All I can really connect is: Their bodies are divided into three segments including the head, thorax and abdomen.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Ruth in NZ

[deeinfl]

I actually think this was pretty good for a fourth grader who wrote this all on her own. One thing I have learned using IEW is that you can never help too much. Andrew Pudewa actually challenges parents to help as much as possible.

 

Here are a few suggestions and mind you, I'm no writing expert, but basic suggestions may help.

 

This is the completed paragraph:

 

Insects are bugs with six legs. They eat plants or other insects. Most insects live for only one year. Their bodies are divided into three segments. Their segments are the head, thorax and abdomen.

 

conversation with you and daughter...

 

What are you talking about here? Insects

 

So how do you feel about them? That they are interesting, or fascinating.

 

Great, that would make a good topic sentence. This sentence will tell the person reading your paper what your paper is all about.

 

So how about,

 

Insects are fascinating creatures. They are bugs with six legs. They eat plants or other insects. Most insects live for only one year. Their bodies are divided into three segments. Their segments are the head, thorax, and abdomen.

 

Now anyone reading your paragraph knows from the very first sentence what your paragraph is going to be about and how you feel about your topic.

 

How about we add a closing sentence. This sentence will sort of clean the paragraph up, or neaten it up, and let the reader know that your paragraph is done? This closing/clincher sentence should sort of restate or talk about (reflect) your topic (your first) sentence.

 

How about...

 

An insect's abdomen is located at the back of his body making him/it a most unusual creature. (unusual can be fascinating or amazing--repeating fascinating from the topic)

 

Here's the final paragraph, let's read it together and see how that sounds.

 

Insects are fascinating creatures. Insects are bugs with six legs. They eat plants or other insects. Most insects live for only one year. Their bodies are divided into three segments. Their segments are the head, thorax and abdomen. An insect's abdomen is located at the back of his body making him/it a most unusual creature.

 

Wala. You have a nice paragraph now with a topic sentence, a few sentences to support your topic and a closing/clincher sentence that restates or reflects your topic.

 

Work on only one thing at a time. Later on when she's written many of these, you can add interesting adjectives, adverbs, or sentence openers, but let her get comfortable doing a few of these types of exercises first. You can also work on having the sentences in her paragraph be a bit more specific in reference to her topic, but this will come the more she writes.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Dee (who only made these suggestions humbly as I am learning to teach my son the IEW way)

Edited January 21, 2012 by deeinfl

[Aludlam]

Thank you SO much for the feedback!

[Legomom]

I actually think this was pretty good for a fourth grader who wrote this all on her own. One thing I have learned using IEW is that you can never help too much. Andrew Pudewa actually challenges parents to help as much as possible.

 

Here are a few suggestions and mind you, I'm no writing expert, but basic suggestions may help.

 

This is the completed paragraph:

 

Insects are bugs with six legs. They eat plants or other insects. Most insects live for only one year. Their bodies are divided into three segments. Their segments are the head, thorax and abdomen.

 

conversation with you and daughter...

 

What are you talking about here? Insects

 

So how do you feel about them? That they are interesting, or fascinating.

 

Great, that would make a good topic sentence. This sentence will tell the person reading your paper what your paper is all about.

 

So how about,

 

Insects are fascinating creatures. They are bugs with six legs. They eat plants or other insects. Most insects live for only one year. Their bodies are divided into three segments. Their segments are the head, thorax, and abdomen.

 

Now anyone reading your paragraph knows from the very first sentence what your paragraph is going to be about and how you feel about your topic.

 

How about we add a closing sentence. This sentence will sort of clean the paragraph up, or neaten it up, and let the reader know that your paragraph is done? This closing/clincher sentence should sort of restate or talk about (reflect) your topic (your first) sentence.

 

How about...

 

An insect's abdomen is located at the back of his body making him/it a most unusual creature. (unusual can be fascinating or amazing--repeating fascinating from the topic)

 

Here's the final paragraph, let's read it together and see how that sounds.

 

Insects are fascinating creatures. Insects are bugs with six legs. They eat plants or other insects. Most insects live for only one year. Their bodies are divided into three segments. Their segments are the head, thorax and abdomen. An insect's abdomen is located at the back of his body making him/it a most unusual creature.

 

Wala. You have a nice paragraph now with a topic sentence, a few sentences to support your topic and a closing/clincher sentence that restates or reflects your topic.

 

Work on only one thing at a time. Later on when she's written many of these, you can add interesting adjectives, adverbs, or sentence openers, but let her get comfortable doing a few of these types of exercises first. You can also work on having the sentences in her paragraph be a bit more specific in reference to her topic, but this will come the more she writes.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Dee (who only made these suggestions humbly as I am learning to teach my son the IEW way)

 

I agree with this. Regarding the spelling, I have one son who struggles with spelling and so often I will write some of the key words on the white board before he starts writing so that he doesn't have to continually stop to ask me how to spell things and thus start getting frustrated and losing his train of thought. This also helps him to focus on some of the key points of his topic.

 

This would work well with Dee's idea too because as you discuss the topic with your child you can write down any other words that she mentions such as "fantastic" etc as this will help with the spelling as well as a reminder of what she is going to write.