Would love some feedback and help editing . . .

[bnrmom]

This is what my 5th grader wrote today as a rough draft for a one paragraph narrative in WWW. (I'd like to note that he thinks this story is just hilarious, and tries to tell it to anyone who will listen. He somehow doesn't get that mixed up sauces at a restaurant is not a real thrilling story.:glare:) I've kept all his original spelling and grammar.

 

I'm going to tell you about the time I thought _________ sauce was katchup. I ordered chicken nuggets at a restaurant in Hawaii. When my order came, I diped a nugget in the "Katchup" and took a bite. "Wow!" I thought. "This nugget is spicey, I'll try a french fry." It was spicey too! I tried everything over and over again. Finaly, I asked my mom about it. She told me it wasn't katchup at all. It was . . . What is the mystry sauce?

 

 

So, first, I don't like the opening "I am going to tell you about the time . . " but is that a perfectly grade level appropriate way to start a narrative, or should I make him rework it?

 

I get that he's trying to go for the whole mystery/suspense thing, but it's not working the way it is, obviously. Do I help him edit it to make itwork, or make him rewrite it just as a straight narrative. Since you can't have a sentence with a blank in it, I was going to suggest he change the opening line to something like "I'm going to tell you about the time I was served a mystery sauce," or about his order being mixed up, or something like that. And then instead of ending with a question, he could just still use his ellipses (which he loves to use) but then actually name the mystery sauce. (Which is BBQ sauce, by the way. I know, you can't wait to retell this story to everyone you know. :tongue_smilie:)

 

His grammar is pretty good, his spelling is typical for him (we're working on it). I would love some suggestions on how to help him edit the opening and closing, and also any feedback on the grade level appropriateness of the writing. I'm super paranoid that he is really behind in writing, since he wants to start 6th grade this Fall. I feel like the paragraph should be beefier, but he chose the topic, and really, there's not a whole lot to the story!

[readinmom]

Change the opening sentence? If it is formal writing, there is no "you". I understand what he is trying to do, he just needs to reword it. Could he add more details about the sauce without giving away the name? Texture, color, taste...how did his tongue react?

 

Hope this helps...

 

Reminds me of when my ds thought the horseradish was ranch dressing:)

[Legomom]

I like his opening sentence -- it shows his voice and personality in the writing. As previously mentioned it definitely depends on the formality of the assignment and the topic, but assuming that it was supposed to be a fun story, I think that it is fine -- it catches one's interest. I see how the blank is a problem though. Maybe just call it a dipping sauce and leave out the blank.

 

For a closing sentence, he definitely needs to tell what the sauce was! He could go down a couple of lines and then maybe say something like " BBQ sauce -- it was plain old BBQ sauce. How goofy is that? I have had lots of BBQ before but since my tongue was expecting ketchup, my brain couldn't figure it out!"

 

I know that this uses a casual tone but I was actually discussing this with a teacher friend of mine the other day and she was emphasizing how important it is to let personality etc come through in writing and not be overly formal since oftentimes that isn't what is needed and personality is what makes the story fun and interesting. Anyway,it definitely depends on the formality of the assignment. I would help him keep the tone in this one and then maybe work on a more formal assignment in the future so his enthusiasm is dampened over this one. Fun!