Differences between boys and girls/men and women

[BMW]

I remember doing a study on this years ago. Male and female brains are quite different from each other. Hormones are different. Male and female are just not the same. I don't believe it is wrong to acknowledge this.

 

That said... I do understand why some people want to not push stereotypes in certain "ways". I know some fabulous guys with long hair (my husband's best friend hasn't cut his hair in years and he is such a great man!). I see boys at the elementary school with long hair. (I've never seen them wear specific girls clothing... just giving the information) My son went to school with a tom boy girl who had very long hair, ears pierced and barrettes but only wore boys clothing and shoes and the teacher said specifically to me that kids were always getting confused by her. She was my sons friend and came over for play dates.

 

I keep thinking, though, that there really isn't anything wrong with boys being boys and girls being girls. They are different. More than just between the legs. Their brains are different. Their body chemistry is different. I know that some girls are naturally more agressive and tom boy-ish and that shouldn't be a big deal. I know boys can play with stuffed animals and dolls and it shouldn't be a big deal. I played with cars, dump trucks and all my brother's toys (they never played with my dolls, though...). My sons and daughters all played house, dolls, dump trucks and built forts and made bow and arrows, running around with dirt smeared on their faces. I taught them ALL to be little tigers out playing... not to come crying over a scratch, but to be tough... (I could not imagine that many youngsters out playing and having one or two continuously coming up crying over a scratch or cut or bruise... but, that's just me...) My girls can mow a lawn, but my boys generally did it more than they did. My boys can cook a meal, but they have rarely done it... with one exception. I have a son who LOVES cooking, crafts and nature. We all benefit from his talents! But, I do tell him to toughen up (not those exact words, though!) when he gets whiney or tries to get attention in ways we don't approve of (again... whiney over a scratch... getting out of bed every night to complain about some little ache or pain or tiny scratch on one toe...).

 

Anyway... I know that there's quite a mix out there... But, why is it okay to drop stereotypes for children if you want to, but come down on others who believe in boy/girl differences? What I see is that those who don't want to treat boys and girls differently want everyone to be that way and make it a matter of right and wrong... those who believe that boy/girl differences are valid and raise boys to be "men" (their belief system... please don't ask me to define "men"!) or girls to be "ladies" have to be wrong?? Why is it okay to treat them the same if that is what you believe in, but it's not okay to treat them differently if that is what you believe in??

 

I just think that parenting kids with few lines drawn between boy and girl is doable and healthy (how I raised my own, for example) and I know a lot of families who have raised their own with specific male/female roles and they grew up healthy, intelligent and are fabulous people. Why can people not just accept each other's choices? Again... why is it right to treat boys and girls the same and wrong to treat them different? Why? Shouldn't we each have the right to raise our children according to our beliefs? If you want to raise yours with different beliefs, that's okay. It should be okay for me to raise mine with my beliefs... Even if our beliefs are different, so long as the children are cared for in a healthy way. Isn't it best to stick to respecting each other?

 

(sorry for rambling, this is just bugging me... that one way has to be right and another, then, must be wrong...)

[Danestress]

I agree with much of what you have written. But has anyone on this board really advocated eliminating your "right" to raise your children the way you think best?

 

And how do we distinguish between disagreeing and not "respecting?" I have pretty firm ideas on some things, and if stating them firmly but politely means someone else feels "disrespected" I am not sure that is my problem.

 

One way doesn't have to be right and the other "wrong," but I think many people will have an opinion, and they will, of course, think that their opinion is 'right.' Otherwise, they would change their opinion. Unless someone is trying to take legal action to prohibit me from raising my children my way in this gender thing, or unless they are being intentionally insulting and aggressive, I am not allowing myself to feel disrespected by someone taking the opposing view and indicating that they believe their view is the "right" one.

 

 

 

Shouldn't we each have the right to raise our children according to our beliefs? If you want to raise yours with different beliefs, that's okay. It should be okay for me to raise mine with my beliefs... Even if our beliefs are different, so long as the children are cared for in a healthy way. Isn't it best to stick to respecting each other?

 

(sorry for rambling, this is just bugging me... that one way has to be right and another, then, must be wrong...)

[BMW]

I guess what I took from the other post about the article... is that when the parents were asked "When will this stop?" The response was, "That's what we want to know... when will it stop?" To me, that says that they expect society around them to change... as if society IS wrong...

[eternalknot]

Your post is long, but very interesting and I'd like to come back and comment in a bit. Right now I'm just browsing while I wait for my kid to finish up his fractions. Daydreaming has run rampant today.

 

You give good food for thought, and I hope others chime in as well!

[Danestress]

To me, that says that they expect society around them to change... as if society IS wrong...

 

Not so much "expect" but "want." I want society to change too - though not in the same ways that this couple wants society to change. I think pretty much all of us have ways in which we wish society would change.

[Aelwydd]

I agree that boys and girls have physiological and hormonal differences. I also agree that you have the right to raise your children as you see fit. I tend to view gender as a spectrum, with some children falling at the extreme ends of their gender roles, but most falling in the middle, with a good deal of overlap.

 

The only issue I have is when parents use gender as the standard for how to respond to a child, instead of that child's own individual personality. Or, using gender as the reason to push one child, but discourage the other from certain goals and activities.

 

It's the parent's right to do these things, of course; I just think doing so is ethically wrong, and potentially quite harmful to the child.

[msk]

I haven't seen the other thread people referred to, but I do have trouble with this. I try to respect people's right to believe as they wish, but sometimes I feel like certain beliefs mean holding men or women back from doing things I personally see as individual rights (not parents' rights), and when that happens I feel like I have to say something.

 

For example, I have trouble when people say they will pay for their boys to attend college and not their girls. Or, when parents tell their girls they must choose between working OR motherhood and it's "selfish" to do both, but place no such restrictions on their boys (or tell their boys they must be "providers" and cannot be SAHDs). I'd like to phrase my disagreement respectfully, but I'm not sure there's a "nice" way to tell someone I think their closely-held belief is both wrong and deeply unfair. I can't think of a way for someone to contradict my belief on this that wouldn't bother me, because I feel like this is something that affects society at large, not something that stays within a family. (So, apologies in advance to everyone I just offended by writing this. :()

 

As an aside, I found Lise Eliot's book "Pink Brain, Blue Brain" on boy-girl differences fascinating. It's written in more of a "science" tone than a "self-help" tone (which I prefer), and it really influenced the way I think about some of these things. (N.B. Although the author is interested in differences, she is a mother and a professor of neuroscience, so she has an "equal-opportunity" perspective that definitely comes through.)

[Aelwydd]

Great minds, and all that. ;)

[BMW]

I do get what you are each saying. I agree with the "spectrum" concept and where kids fall on that... and letting them just be themselves.

 

I really don't like boys being put down for being sensitive, etc. or girls being held back because they have a "traditionally boy" hobby/desire/... So, I agree with that.

 

But, I still do believe that men, generally speaking, get less emotional and are better suited (not all men... and some women do fit in here) for some occupations. And many women are strong nurturers... best suited for sahm ideals (not that a dad cannot if he really desired that...). I don't think it's damaging to children to recognize those differences. I think it's responsible to let children explore those roles on both sides and to not hold them back if they feel one way or another... or put them down. (Although I would draw the line at boys wearing girls clothing... but I have no problem with gender neutral clothing)

 

I guess I agree with both sides to a certain extent. (Can you tell I am a peace-maker... mercy type person??)

 

What a great topic and I enjoy both threads... things to ponder...

 

And an aside... this last year one of my sons was being labeled as gay because he speaks femininely and walked very girlish. I took him aside and talked about it. He didn't WANT to be labeled that way (at school). We talked about his posture and how to walk more like the "guys". He works on not coming across that way to others. He continues to LOVE cooking and nature and crafts. And that's fine.

 

Anyway, great discussions!

[Aelwydd]

I do get what you are each saying. I agree with the "spectrum" concept and where kids fall on that... and letting them just be themselves.

 

I really don't like boys being put down for being sensitive, etc. or girls being held back because they have a "traditionally boy" hobby/desire/... So, I agree with that.

 

But, I still do believe that men, generally speaking, get less emotional and are better suited (not all men... and some women do fit in here) for some occupations. And many women are strong nurturers... best suited for sahm ideals (not that a dad cannot if he really desired that...). I don't think it's damaging to children to recognize those differences. I think it's responsible to let children explore those roles on both sides and to not hold them back if they feel one way or another... or put them down. (Although I would draw the line at boys wearing girls clothing... but I have no problem with gender neutral clothing)

 

I guess I agree with both sides to a certain extent. (Can you tell I am a peace-maker... mercy type person??)

 

What a great topic and I enjoy both threads... things to ponder...

 

And an aside... this last year one of my sons was being labeled as gay because he speaks femininely and walked very girlish. I took him aside and talked about it. He didn't WANT to be labeled that way (at school). We talked about his posture and how to walk more like the "guys". He works on not coming across that way to others. He continues to LOVE cooking and nature and crafts. And that's fine.

 

Anyway, great discussions!

 

I understand, but I don't see any purpose in "helping" children to "recognize" that, to use your own example, men are less emotional than women. In my experience, men are not less emotional. Men simply are conditioned to express certain emotions, like anger, or humor, very openly, and one at a time. Because these type of emotions may be expressed in an aggressive way, they are acceptable to the masculine image.

 

Women get labeled more "emotional" because they tend to express "weaker" emotions, like crying, and may express a jumble of emotions, like laughing and crying at the same time. They are regarded as weaker, more unstable, as a result, because the masculine is normative in our society, and therefore superior and more desirable.

 

I will tell you that I if my husband passed, I wouldn't marry again. Ever. Because men are way too high maintenance; they tend to bottle up their very real, very turbulent emotions, and therefore not be very experienced in dealing with them, until they explode. They often have egos that are easily offended, and they make very emotional decisions, like purchasing that hot red sports car, because they are feeling the need to assert their macho image, for example.

 

In my marriage, I'm the one who is the non-romantic, practical disciplinarian. My husband is 9.5 years older than me, so it's not a maturity issue. We both grew up in traditional, evangelical homes. The problem is, he is an artistic soul, and very sensitive.

 

I will say that being raised in a masculine vs. feminine dichotomy damaged him in ways that he is affected by to this day.