Grade 5 girl/Primary Source Summary

[PenKase]

My ego hesitates (plus, this is not about me) to write this post, but I think this is exactly what SWB means by "fuzzy thinking" leading to "fuzzy writing." In all fairness, this is the first time she has written about a primary source. I did explain that it's really no different from the STOW summaries she's used to doing but I don't think it all resonated:

 

In Delphi, Greece, a stone inscription was found on an arena stone wall. This arena, dedicated to the sun god, Apollo, was the location where the ancient Pythian Games were held every four years. The actual writing (in ancient Greek) on the stone engraving states: “Wine is forbidden anywhere near the track. Any man who breaks this rule will have to make amends to Apollo by pouring a libation, offering a sacrifice and paying a 110-drachma fine, half of it to the god himself, and half to the man who has informed on him.” Perhaps the reason why this stone impression was made in the arenawall instead of a plaque is that when it is placed on a surface, there is a potential that it could become damaged in any possible way. Therefore, it is best to keep this message where no harm can come to it. Another likely reason why this plaque was placed in the arena’s wall is because it will portray the exact seriousness that needs to be put in place, and the severe consequences if this law is not followed.

 

The piece will be edited, of course, but this is what I've been working with for the past couple of weeks regarding some of dd's writing. What is mind boggling is that she can write STOW summaries like the following, with no help from me, after reading and going over the review questions:

 

 

The Odyssey

 

 

 

 

In the poem the Odyssey by Homer, the main character, Odysseus, has angered the god Poseidon. On his long and famous journey home, Odysseus endures many mystic adventures, including an interesting encounter with a Cyclops. When Odysseus finds himself in a Cyclops’ cave, he has to use clever thinking to escape. Odysseus sharpened a long tree and plunged it into the eye of the Cyclops. The Cyclops, now blinded, unsuspectingly allows his prisoners to flee. However, Odysseus’ journey is not over yet, for it will be ten years until he returns to his homeland.

This leaves me :banghead::banghead: because I don't know how to proceed with writing instruction. I've given up stressing about it. I think the "bones" are there but I need big time help with the details and figure out what to do next. I have the Town level of MCT ready to go, but I feel like we need to stop all other writing in favor of a writing "boot camp" as someone suggested in another thread. Maybe finishing out the year focusing on just writing, and not necessarily writing across the curriculum?

 

Totally didn't mean for this to get so long winded. Thanks for :bigear:!

 

FYI Poetry Sample:

 

The Mission

A mission needs lots of preparation

Predictions, care, and dedication

Preferences and sneak previews

Checking precedes the joyful news

 

 

Edited March 4, 2011 by PenKase

[Capt_Uhura]

HHmm well, I do see the difference between those two and yes the first is a bit more fuzzy....but I thought it was good. I've just started this journey so I need a roadmap as well.

 

Perhaps it would help me if you rewrote the passage in the way you would be satisfied with so I can better understand your issue with it?

[PenKase]

Perhaps it would help me if you rewrote the passage in the way you would be satisfied with so I can better understand your issue with it?

 

Thanks for looking Capt. OK, here's how I would have her revise to make it more coherently readable:

 

In Delphi, Greece, a stone inscription was found on an arena stone wall. This arena, dedicated to the sun god, Apollo, was the location where the ancient Pythian Games were held every four years. The actual writing (in ancient Greek) on the stone engraving states: “Wine is forbidden anywhere near the track. Any man who breaks this rule will have to make amends to Apollo by pouring a libation, offering a sacrifice and paying a 110-drachma fine, half of it to the god himself, and half to the man who has informed on him.” Perhaps a likely reason why this stone impression was made in (look up in thesaurus and insert one word synonym like engraved, etched) [the arena wall instead of a plaque is that when it is placed on a surface, there is a potential that it could become damaged in any possible way. Therefore, it is best to keep this message where no harm can come to it. Another likely reason why this plaque was placed (delete)] in the arena’s wall is (was) because it [will (delete)] portray(ed) the exact seriousness [that needs to be put in place (delete)], and the severe consequences if this law is (was) not followed.

 

I {{{think}}} (I'll have to ask her) this is what she means to say but got lost in translation:

"Perhaps a likely reason why this stone impression was made (replace with synonym) in the arena's wall was because it portrayed the exact seriousness and the severe consequences if this law was not followed.

 

We'd work on this together with me coaching her along the way. I'll have her explain what she means to say and help her to see which sentences meet reasoning and which add nothing to her interpretation.

 

Does this make sense?

Edited March 4, 2011 by PenKase

[Kuovonne]

The thought process for the second paragraph is clearer because summarizing a story involves an obvious topic and order. The topic is the plot of the story. The sequence is the order of events.

 

The first paragraph has no such natural organization. The paragraph begins with a description of the inscription, then it abruptly changes to conjecture about the placement of the inscription. How about putting the two topics into two different paragraphs? The discussion of the placement of the inscription could also be more precise. What is the other "surface" where you suggest the plaque could have been instead of on the wall? What type of "damage" could occur? Is it the placement (wall vs. other surface) that suggest great seriousness or the mere existance of the inscription that indicates the seriousness of the offence?

[PenKase]

The thought process for the second paragraph is clearer because summarizing a story involves an obvious topic and order. The topic is the plot of the story. The sequence is the order of events.

OHHHHHHH! :iagree:This make sense to me.

The first paragraph has no such natural organization. The paragraph begins with a description of the inscription, then it abruptly changes to conjecture about the placement of the inscription. How about putting the two topics into two different paragraphs? Yes, this is actually how it is typed in the document. I can see why it would cause confusion and I should have transferred the original format here. The discussion of the placement of the inscription could also be more precise. I agree with you on this if I actually thought that this discussion should even take place. I don't think it should be there at all. What is the other "surface" where you suggest the plaque could have been instead of on the wall? What type of "damage" could occur? Is it the placement (wall vs. other surface) that suggest great seriousness or the mere existance of the inscription that indicates the seriousness of the offence? I agree yet again with your questioning which is why I would have dd delete it. This gives me clear indication that even though she exhibits facility with getting words down on "paper" her thinking is still very fuzzy wuzzy.

 

Thank you for your comments.

[Kuovonne]

I agree with you on this if I actually thought that this discussion should even take place. I don't think it should be there at all.

...

I agree yet again with your questioning which is why I would have dd delete it. This gives me clear indication that even though she exhibits facility with getting words down on "paper" her thinking is still very fuzzy wuzzy.

 

Does your daughter share your sense that her thinking is "fuzzy?" If you want to continue working on this piece, you can ask her these questions to lead her to think more deeply about what she wants to say. She may realize that discussing the placement of the inscription isn't important and decide to delete it on her own. Or you may discover that she has some valid points that simply aren't articulated well enough yet.

 

Thank you for your comments.

You're welcome!